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I have seen such a topic solicitation on the Internet: After getting married, what do you understand?
A netizen sighed at the bottom:
"I knew that a hasty marriage would be so bad, and I shouldn't have jumped straight to love and get married." At first, I thought that it was better for two people to live together than to drift alone, but I did not expect that so many problems would be exposed over time. Now I have also thought about divorce, but I am still not sure whether to leave or not, and I have been stuck in a state of entanglement. ”
In fact, everything in the world has its corresponding order, and love also has an order that needs to be followed.
So, what is the order of a happy marriage?
01
A reader once told me that out of hatred for marriage, she chose to marry a person who was not ideal, but was the best candidate.
However, less than half a year after marriage, she noticed that there were great problems between each other, such as the other party's academic qualifications were fraudulent, the salary changed from 6,000 yuan to 4,500 yuan before marriage, and the daily expenses were always rejected on the grounds of economic tension.
In this marriage, neither of them met each other's needs.
When she first got married, she wanted to find a dependency and hoped that the other party would be good to her, but she did not expect that the man also had to rely on thinking, hoping that she would not rely on herself and share the pressure of life with herself.
Therefore, they often quarrel over these problems in their lives.
Her parents had advised her to make it up, saying that getting married was to live together as a partner, and it didn't have to be too real.
Until one day when they went out together and forgot to swipe the bus card for her husband, her husband talked to her about it for 1 hour.
At that moment, she had the idea of divorce, and despite the persuasion of her parents, she resolutely decided to leave.
I have seen many girls who, due to age or social pressure, toss and turn at night to define themselves as older single young women, anxious to get married, feeling anxious and painful.
But today, through this typical story, I will tell these girls a truth:
Don't hate marriage, don't make the decision to get married because of age, and don't blindly make decisions because your parents or other people are asking for your mate.
This story is an excellent negative example, and we should take this as a warning.
We must not hate marriage, and we must never do anything because of external conditions.
If the pain of a person who hates marriage is one hundred points, then because he hates to marry someone, the pain may rise tenfold and become a thousand points of pain.
If you have to have a child because you are already married, the pain may be tenfold greater and become extremely painful.
Many times in life, it is like this, one wrong step, and then one wrong step.
Marriage can make two people who love each other happier, but it will never make two people with different frequencies fall in love for a long time.
Therefore, even if you can find someone who matches you in a short period of time, you need to think carefully if you want to enter the palace of marriage.
Marriage is not a child's play, and it should not be tempted with a risk-taking mentality.
We must slowly understand each other in the process of getting along through love, and test whether the other party is suitable for spending the rest of their lives with them.
The other party's personality, personality, family environment, growth experience, three views, etc., these are all things that take time to understand.
In the process of understanding, it is more accurate to confirm whether the other party is willing to take on the responsibilities in marriage and the burden of life with themselves.
Falling in love is actually the process of making multiple choice questions, and this multiple choice question often determines the future marital happiness.
So, don't rush to make a decision for fear of wasting time, and the final choice must be carefully considered.
Falling in love first and then getting married can ensure the happiness index of marriage to a certain extent.
02
I have summarized past counseling cases, and the reasons for divorce thoughts are usually weak emotional foundation, domestic violence, infidelity, lack of communication, etc.
But do you know which causes the highest divorce rates?
The trivia of everyday life.
There was once a reader who had a good relationship with her husband during the relationship, and the other party was very gentle and considerate and patient.
Before the relationship was confirmed, she expressed that she would not live with her in-laws, and that there were no requirements for a marriage house, location and area, and her husband had always said that there was no problem.
However, the man's family has been delaying the marriage room, and finally pressured the other parents to talk head-on, and then promised to buy a house after two years.
So she agreed to register first, and after marriage, the two rented a small house near work to live temporarily.
It was at this time that she found that many things after marriage were different from when she was in love.
The two often quarrel over issues such as housework and financial expenses in their daily lives.
Although the two have now reconciled, the surge of contradictions after marriage and the plummeting decline in quality of life make her anxious about the future.
Getting married and falling in love actually means two different lives.
The period of love is the honeymoon period, but when you enter marriage, two people begin to live a formal life, and it is very common to have a sense of gap.
Because falling in love only needs to face romance, and marriage has to face chai rice oil and salt every day, which are two different modes of life.
Therefore, marriage requires a process of talking about marriage and marriage, and some consensus to be reached between the two parties.
The most basic consensus is as follows:
1. Do you live with your in-laws?
Due to the different lives and ideological concepts of the two generations, it is inevitable that there will be some bumps in the daily life, and they will also feel uncomfortable.
Therefore, people who care a lot about this problem are best to discuss it before marriage.
In addition, there are also issues such as the power of the family after marriage, the education of children, and financial intervention that need to be clearly asked.
It is better to talk about ugly things before marriage than to have a disagreement after marriage and cause unhappiness in both families.
2. Establish the basic role of husband and wife, and recognize what kind of role each other plays.
Clarify their respective roles:
Is it the male protagonist outside the female protagonist? Or is it a peaceful and friendly family with equal rights, duties, or other types? How are the responsibilities of the family distributed? What is the other party responsible for, and what is he responsible for?
Be sure to make it clear before marriage that family responsibilities are very important, and unclear responsibilities will lead to mutual ridicule in the end.
The other party is like that, he is like this, and in the end, he pushes back and forth, can't solve the problem, and can't reach a consensus.
I met many female visitors who complained that their husbands became hand-off managers after marriage, never helped themselves with housework, and only played with their mobile phones every day when they came home.
They feel angry and feel unfair.
In fact, these problems are said well before marriage, rules are made, and agreement is reached, and there will be a lot less trouble after marriage.
3. Money problems often encountered in conflicts.
Money relations are problems that two people must solve when talking about marriage.
Be sure to clarify the family's expenditure and who is in charge of the money.
If two people don't discuss the issue, it raises more questions.
Both sides want to establish who will spend the family money, and how?
One of the easier ways is to share the cost of living and put money into a public card together.
If it is not a joint burden, it is borne by the other party, then we can directly make a plan for his salary card.
Be careful not to be happy just because you manage your pay card.
Remember one of the most basic rules:
Money is a right, but it is also an obligation, and it is necessary to keep good accounting records for every day.
Be sure to keep an account, even if you just buy a bag of salt, take a car, and record all the expenses.
Every month, you have to give your other half a look at the month's expenses, income, expenditure, expenditure structure, budget, this is an important part.
If all the details can be done in place, men will be willing to hand over the economic power.
The way you enter into marriage often determines what kind of marriage you have after marriage.
03
"Pregnancy without marriage" was once a phrase that people avoided, but it seems to be becoming more and more common today.
Of course, getting pregnant before marriage is not a shameful thing.
Two people come together because they love each other, and it is natural to try marriage and live together.
But getting pregnant before marriage is a big gamble, and no one can make sure that the bet is right after the bet, and the rest of your life is happy.
The story of the same female reader:
Her relationship with her boyfriend has always been good, because of the unexpected pregnancy, marriage is on the agenda.
However, when the parents of the two sides talked about the bride price, the man's parents did not show up for a long time, and cried that there was no money in the family.
Her parents promised on the spot that the dowry would be for them to give them two smaller mouths, and would also give them a corresponding dowry, but they still broke up unhappily.
Her boyfriend blamed her for not speaking for herself when she talked about the bride price, and called the next day to mention the breakup.
Her father was angry for a moment, and went to the man's house, but he came back humiliated and said, "Son, we are not married in this marriage, okay?" ”
Unmarried pregnancies usually have a problem: they are killed when it comes to bride price.
The pre-marriage bargaining is essentially because of the inability to be willing and the determination that the other party will not leave.
To put it bluntly, the boy believes that it is not worth giving the other party such a dowry money, or even if the dowry is not given, there is no substantial loss.
Because he knows that this is also difficult for the other party to accept.
Just like the story above, it can be summed up in one sentence:
A girl gives a boy a marriage problem, so the boy gives the girl a difficult marriage condition.
In the process of pre-marriage bargaining, the boy's biggest statement that "economic conditions are not allowed" is "I don't want to get married like this.".
In addition, I don't know if everyone realizes a heartfelt truth: getting pregnant before marriage, in fact, it is the parents who are embarrassed.
It is obviously a discussion between two families, but the parents have no chips in their own hands.
In the end, parents often remember the identity of their daughters, so that they can swallow their anger and put down their dignity to accept all this silently.
It is never a woman's fault to conceive without marriage, but all the consequences of this mistake need to be borne by women.
Therefore, no matter how much you love each other, the order of first falling in love, then getting married, and then getting pregnant must not be reversed.
Although marriages that follow this order are not necessarily happy, and marriages that do not follow this order are not necessarily unhappy, at least you can ensure that you are not in a passive situation and isolated.
Regardless of the final ranking, hopefully everyone will eventually meet happiness in their marriage.
Author Nannan, focus on the field of emotions to create and share, with emotions to communicate with you and my soul, but I hope you and I know each other here, like please pay attention to me.