Mother yells at the child on the street "Your ears are deaf": why can't parents always talk well?
That day I went out to buy vegetables and saw a mother in the fruit store shouting at her children:
"You buy this snack and eat it in a while, it's still so expensive, put it back, don't buy it!"
The child stared at the snack in his hand, standing there, and the mother raised his voice again when she saw that he did not respond:
"Can't I hear you? Deaf? Hurry up and put it back."
"Every time it's because you're over budget and overspending"
Is this scene familiar?
Mothers who use the "yelling" method to solve the problem of bringing a baby are not a minority.
It seems to be able to quickly deter the child in a short period of time, but it actually breeds many negative feelings in the child's emotions and psychology.
There are even children who grow up to become parents,
As soon as a difficult or unsatisfactory situation is encountered, the emotions become very excited, and the volume multiplies when he speaks.
The art of communication is not only embodied in adults and adults, but also in family education.
Speak well, slowly, whispered education is far more useful than loud suppression.
Why do parents always lose their temper inexplicably?
Even the matter itself is not so serious, but the level of anger is far more than that.
In psychology, this way of dealing with it is a psychological defense mechanism.
It is used to cover up one's own anxiety and weakness.
Every parent who likes to yell and solve problems has "weaknesses" that even they are unwilling to face.
The father in the animated short "Gone with the Wind" is like that.
One time while out playing, he accidentally noticed that his son was different from other children, and his child could fly.
The father could not bear the strange eyes of his neighbors, so he forbade the child to go out.
As my son got older, he became more curious about the outside world.
At this time, his father could no longer keep him at home as easily as before.
In order to prevent his son from flying again in public, he would put a large stone in his son's bag,
Or take a rope and tie your son to him.
Seeing the wonderful world outside, the son forgot everything that his father had prepared before.
After entering the playground, he felt excited and free, but his body involuntarily floated again.
In front of everyone, some were surprised, some were afraid.
When the father saw it, he immediately ran over and dragged the child's clothes out of the playground.
The boy struggled angrily, his strength was great, and he was no longer the same as when he was a child.
Suddenly, the father's collapse and anger gushed out of his eyes:
"Can't you be normal!?"
The child was frightened by his father's appearance, and he wrapped his head tightly with the hat on his clothes, closed his eyes and was silent.
The most direct cause of the father's anger is that he can no longer control his child's powerlessness as before.
His relationship with his children can no longer be controlled by him.
The hideous roar is a catharsis of one's own incompetence.
Just like the mom at the beginning of the article,
Her outburst was because the child did not respond to her orders,
At that moment, the "authority" failed, which inspired her new solution: loud suppression.
Does loud suppression really work?
The two children, who have used this skill by their parents, almost all have the same phenomenon: they do not speak and are depressed.
It does not solve the substantive problem, but repeatedly affects the child's mood.
The famous American children's scientist Adele Farber said: "Never underestimate the impact of your words on a child's life." ”
For children, positive words are invisible encouragement, while negative words are like cold water thrown on the head.
My friend who just gave birth shared,
When the child was more than four months old, she held the baby and quarreled with her husband a few words, and the voice was very loud.
Originally, the child's small eyes looked here and there, but suddenly froze.
Later, it was mentioned that she particularly regretted:
"Don't fight loudly in front of your children, even young children can feel it. Yelling is also a kind of verbal violence for children. ”
Language harm is more impressive than corporal punishment, and the World Health Organization has called for resistance to any language-related excesses:
Although language radicalization does not have the characteristics of violence on the surface, its negative impact on the personality development and psychological development of young children is long-term, immeasurable, and even irreparable, and the regurgitation damage will even lurk into adulthood.
A netizen was often yelled at by his parents when he was a child,
Parents would always contradict her: "Children still have to use beatings and scolding to be effective." Talking well is simply not enough. ”
After she left her family and went to other cities to go to college and work,
She found that she was always on the weak side in interpersonal relationships, and when she clashed with her classmates, she was the one who couldn't win.
As long as the other party speaks loudly, she does not dare to be angry:
"That feeling is that a lot of words come to the lips, just can't say it. Fear that after fighting back, it will be more difficult to end. ”
"I can always feel similar to when I was a child, and when others have a loud voice, I automatically default to myself who is wrong."
Reason is not in the voice, let alone in the sharp language.
Before parents convey information, learn to say things themselves, not with emotions.
There is a way of education called whispered education:
It means that when parents are educating their children, do not yell and yell, learn to lower their voices, and talk well with their children. A low voice can make people more rational and emotionally calm, and can also relax the child's resistance and rebellion.
To apply whispered education to daily life, we must pay attention to the following points:
First, reduce the tone of command criticism when educating children
When your child makes a mistake, don't make personal attacks, such as:
"It's not going to happen, are you a pig?"
"I've told you several times, are you deaf?"
"Still don't understand? You have a problem with your brain, right? ”
These words are not only useless, but also make children demean and resist.
If you are very angry at the moment, you can say: "You XXX didn't do a good job, I'm really angry and sad, because I have already told you before, it can be seen that you did not take your mother's words to heart." ”
The child will feel that when doing something wrong, the parent does not dislike him/her, but cares about him/her.
Second, make rules in advance, and make mistakes and be punished accordingly
Many parents always complain that they talk to them well, they have never heard of it, and they are forced to use extreme methods.
It sounds like parents are very wronged, but children who show this behavior are often bad habits that they developed when they made mistakes in the past without punishing them in time.
Raising a baby is very similar to clearing a game, if you want to advance smoothly all the way, you must make good rules at the beginning.
What can be done and what cannot be done. Once a foul is committed, it must be punished as agreed and cannot be excused or cancelled for any reason.
Respect for punishment can establish a true sense of majesty in the child's heart.
When subsequent children make mistakes, education can be done without effort.
Third, do not vent your emotions first, but express the event information well
There is something wrong with the child, parents should learn how to calm their emotions before education,
Many parents can manage their emotions well when dealing with outsiders, colleagues or friends, and only let go of themselves when dealing with their children.
Teach children to learn to express emotions, not express them with emotions.
Help the child to point out what he is doing about something, why it is wrong, and what the right thing looks like.
Every adult has been a child, and when we were young, we didn't like our parents to treat themselves in extreme ways.
Don't use momentary emotions to tear your child's self-esteem.
In the event of an emergency, even a little gentle and calm treatment can make the child feel very safe.
May every parent be like water, calm but powerful.
Speak slowly, speak well.