Your child will be grateful or white-eyed, just watch a video of picking up your child from school
A person's true happiness does not come from acceptance and pleasure, but from the process of loving others.
By controlling one's hand to clear all obstacles for the child, the child can enter the real world and understand the hardships of his parents.
Author | Coke Mama
Recently, I saw a video like this:
After a heavy rain, a lot of water accumulated in front of a school in Chongqing, and pedestrians walked particularly hard.
At this time, the two mothers who came to pick up their children took very different approaches:
Without saying a word, the mother of one of the boys squatted down and carried her son on her back, only to see her holding an umbrella with one hand and barely supporting her son's butt with the other.
I'd rather get wet myself than let my son's shoes and socks get a little water.
And what about the mother of the other girl?
She first took a tentative step forward, and after understanding the depth of the stagnant water, she took her daughter's little hand.
In this way, the mother and daughter held hands and carefully waded over together.
In this video, I also noticed a small detail that was heart-wrenching:
When the boy's mother crouched, the boy did not hesitate and skillfully climbed onto his mother's back, as he had done countless times before.
Wei Shusheng, who was the director of the Panjin Municipal Education Bureau, said sadly after seeing many parents who do everything for their children in life:
"The most tragic thing about you is not tired of yourself, but the heart of the habit of rebelling."
Some parents can't figure out why the child they have been raising hard and holding in the palm of their hands has finally become a white-eyed wolf.
Perhaps from the beginning, parents put their posture low, but the moment they held their children as "little emperors" was wrong.
Coddled children
Far more painful than we think
Professor Li Meijin shared such a true story in "Psychological Parenting":
There is a boy, the only son in the family.
His father worked far away and his mother was a full-time housewife.
From childhood to adulthood, his mother took care of him so much that he did not have the slightest ability to take care of himself.
Later, the boy enlisted in the army, but he often fell short of standards in organizing internal affairs and training activities, and it was found that he could not even fold the quilt.
The boy did not do well, and he did not allow others to say, whoever criticized him, he remembered who he hated.
On one occasion, the boy was criticized by the new deputy squad leader, who was still one year younger than him, for his irregular standing behavior.
During the lunch break that day, the boy rushed to the bed of the deputy squad leader with a knife, stabbed the other party like crazy, and stabbed him 56 times in a row, and in the end, the deputy squad leader died of serious injuries.
In the detention center, this big boy, who was in his twenties, cried like a child, and he said to Professor Li Meijin:
"I'm really in pain, I want to go home, I miss my mom..."
The poet Yu Ge once said that you can give anything to your children, but for the experience of life, joy, anger and sorrow, success and setbacks, you cannot give your children.
Coddling is like a saw coated with anesthesia to painlessly amputate a child's limb.
Once he stepped out of his parents' umbrella, a breeze in the real world was enough to blow him down.
Remember Yang Suo, the "world's first lazy man"?
He has been smart and beautiful since he was a child, and his parents love him very much, so in order to keep his only son by his side forever, he specially named him "Yang Suo".
Yang Suo's family conditions are not good, his parents are farmers, but they have never been willing to let him do farm work.
Over time, he got used to the life of clothes to reach out and food to open his mouth.
After his parents died of illness one after another, Yang Suo, who had nothing to do, lay at home all day, too lazy to work, and even too lazy to cook.
In this way, a young man with an online IQ and able-bodied limbs was starved to death in his home five years after his mother's death.
American psychologist Rand Newman said: "People who have very happy childhoods often have unfortunate adulthoods."
Many parents always think that carrying all difficulties for their children, clearing all obstacles, and eliminating all risks is love, and their children will live happily.
But it is ignored that difficulties and setbacks are the norm in life.
Studies have found that people who have been doted on in childhood have a hard time feeling loved.
At the same time, they are more likely to have psychological problems such as overeating and self-abandonment.
Parents can participate in the child's development, but they cannot replace it.
The greatest sadness of parenthood is that they carry everything for their children, turning them into waste firewood with no ability to survive and good qualities.
Responsive parents
Only selfish rebels can be raised
I have seen such a picture:
A child holding a game console in his hand rightfully enjoys the care of his parents, but ignores his mother's hard work.
This is how white-eyed wolves were raised.
The "Beber's Law" of psychology tells us:
If you are too good to a person, instead of getting the other person's gratitude, it will make him get used to it, and even squeeze the last drop of your flesh and blood harder.
"Life Morning News" once reported such a story:
In Taiyuan, Shanxi, a family gave birth to a baby boy, named Liu Yu (pseudonym).
Because he is the only son of three generations, Liu Yu has been a collection of thousands of favors since he was a child, and even if he makes a big mistake, he can be forgiven.
As a child, he pushed his grandfather down and snatched money from the old man;
When he grew up, he didn't do his job, and he knew every day that he was fooling around.
However, the connivance of the whole family did not bring the rebellion back, on the contrary, he became more and more selfish and indifferent.
When Liu Yu was 35 years old, he once had a verbal altercation with his mother, making his mother angry to the point of having a heart attack, and he actually walked away directly.
My mother fell to the ground and passed away in pain.
Because there was no one to take care of her, her elderly grandmother died soon after.
His father, who suffered from cerebral infarction and was paralyzed for many years, was starved to death in despair and regret...
Liu Yu, on the other hand, was arrested by the police on suspicion of abandonment.
Writer Liu Yong said: "Children do not know how to cherish because they have become birds in a cage, waiting for you to feed them every day." He can't be independent, feels that you owe him, and you should feed him then. ”
In the end, the child's attitude towards the parents is allowed by the parents.
All arrogance and indifference have a long-term response to requests.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong mentioned a 20-year-old girl, Xiao Yan, in "Why Home Hurts".
She dropped out of school and returned home because she could not adjust to school life.
At home, she often loses her temper with her parents, and sometimes even fights them.
After each action, she blamed herself so much, crying and begging her parents for forgiveness, and vowing never to do it again, but it didn't take long for it to happen again.
Wu Zhihong explained that this is because the girl subconsciously understands:
I can't stand the setbacks, largely due to the excessive doting of my parents.
And she tortured her parents, also expressing:
"You used to be able to help me settle everything, but now, why can't you continue to help me solve the problem?"
Not everything, the more the better.
Some things need scale, otherwise it will be counterproductive, such as the love of parents for their children.
Qualified parents will never kneel on the ground to grow up for their children, but will take a step back and give them enough space to become the master of their own kingdom.
Good family
Never put children at the center
Zeng Shiqiang, a master of Chinese studies, once said:
"There are two kinds of children, one to take revenge and the other to repay grace.
If your child is here for revenge and you are in good health, he can you off; Your family is rich, and he helps you to lose; Your business is good, he brings you down, this is the typical loser.
The other is to repay the favor, the parents are not in good health, he takes care of you wholeheartedly; The parents are poor, he will earn money to subsidize the family and make you have a good time; Even if your parents' reputation is not very good, he can help you reverse it. ”
In fact, whether the child comes to take revenge or repay the favor is determined by the parenting style.
If you don't want your child to become a white-eyed wolf and a loser, parents can't just treat their child as a child, but see him as a member of the family.
Remembering a news item I saw recently:
When he was 10 years old, the mother of the boy Yang Zhiyang was diagnosed with frostbite.
Because Dad has to go out to earn money, the main responsibility for taking care of his mother falls on Xiao Zhiyang.
In this way, he gradually learned to help his mother wash, feed, massage...
And the days of taking care of my mother are 12 years away.
Today, Zhiyang has also grown from an ignorant little boy to a responsible man.
In order to help his mother regain the joy of life, as a sports student, he also learned to make up and tie his hair.
From time to time, he would also take his mother out to go shopping and eat hot pot.
Zhiyang said:
"My mother was only 21 years old when I gave birth to me, and I was reluctant to take the bus to work every day, just to save money to buy me better milk powder, (now) what reason do I have to put my mother down?"
Unpretentious words, but let people understand what two-way love is.
Many times, our children are not as vulnerable as we think.
On the contrary, if we can let go and give the child a chance to give and let him learn to share the responsibilities of the family, he will return us a big surprise.
Before, there was another video that impressed me:
A 7-year-old boy expertly packs, boxes, and hands things to guests, as he helps his mother pack and box the stewed vegetables.
On a hot summer day, the boy stood in the market without air conditioning, sweating profusely from the heat.
The mother said that the child has been helping since he was 4 years old, and she has always felt very indebted to him.
But in reality, this mom doesn't need to feel guilty at all.
Every child desperately desires to grow up and one day share in the hard work of their parents.
The busy little boy, his eyes showed not exhaustion, but the pride of becoming his mother's right arm.
As Bi Shumin said:
"Parents in the world, if you love your child, let him start to love you and the people around you from the time he can.
This is not adult selfishness, but foresight for the sake of the child. ”
You know, a person's true happiness never comes from acceptance, but from giving.
In the Grand Canyon of Colorado, USA, there is a strange sculpture.
After giving birth to the small eagle, the adult eagle will fly two hundred miles away in search of a hard, thorny branch to build a nest, and then spread feathers and weeds on it to prevent the child from being stabbed.
However, as the young eagle grows up, the mother will deliberately remove the feathers and weeds from the nest.
When the young eagle feels stung, it will desperately flutter its wings.
And a magical scene happened:
After a painful struggle, the young eagle gradually learned to fly.
Birds can still ruthlessly break the comfort nest and let children grow up in bumps, why can't humans do it?
As parents, we cannot be an umbrella for our children all our lives, suffering for them and saving them from suffering.
In that case, you might as well take back your hands to do everything early, let the child adapt to the real world, learn to share, and learn to walk through the mud with the family.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage you parents.