When a family is sick, the child becomes a "problem teenager"

Key points of study:

• 1

  For children with rebellious emotions, the first thing parents must do is to control their emotions, emotions cannot come out, reason cannot enter. First really understand your child's needs, let your child feel your support, and then slowly let him get out of these bad behaviors and get back on track.

• 2

  Studies in psychology have shown that if a child suffers school bullying in middle and high school, the probability of mental illness in early adulthood is very high. If the child suddenly changes from lively to silent, the first thing parents should consider may be whether he is isolated by a small group or even bullied in school.

• 3

  When the child is bullied, the parents first care about the child's physical and psychological situation, give him support and the strength to face together, and then ask the child the ins and outs of the matter and take corresponding countermeasures.

How can a well-behaved and obedient child become a "problem teenager" with teachers and classmates at school? When a child is bullied at school, becomes silent and afraid to go to school, how can parents help him? Tencent News Education Channel has launched a series of roundtable dialogues entitled "Parents Study Club", the theme of this issue is how to help children who have lost their way get back on track.

Guests of this issue:

Fang Ling丨Child Psychological Counselor

Shen Chenyu丨Attending physician of the Department of Mental Health, Yuquan Hospital, Tsinghua University

Wang Xinmin丨Adolescent psychological counselor

Fang Ling: There are some children who were well-behaved and obedient when they were children, but when they grow up, they become bad children in the eyes of classmates and problem teenagers in the eyes of teachers, they make trouble in class, fight and bully classmates at school, what changes them?

Shen Chenyu: When we look at the so-called "bad boys", we will find some problems - their families are actually not particularly good. A child has problems, these problems are often a condensation or embodiment of the family, we have to understand what his growth environment is like, to know why he became the way he is.

There is also a group of children who may want to show their uniqueness and sense of worth through being different from others. Unless the child is born with antisocial personality problems, the vast majority of so-called "bad kids" have a reason behind them. If we do not discover this reason and remove it in time, but only criticize and correct it on the surface, it will not help the child much. Because the root of the problem is still there, the child will still show a rebellious state. If teachers and parents do not find the child's inner appeal, it is difficult to correct it at the behavioral level.

Wang Xinmin: Rebellious children, one wants to get the attention of their parents; the second is to fight for rights; Third, retaliating against parents; Fourth, self-defeat. Adolescent children also do things out of the ordinary out of excitement and superiority, as well as for the acceptance of their peers. In such a situation, the first thing parents must do is to control their emotions and deal with it coldly. Wait until the child has no emotions and then communicate with the child, emotions can't come out, reason can't go in. First really understand your child's needs, let your child feel your support, and then slowly let him get out of these bad behaviors and get back on track.

Fang Ling: When we suspect that their children are being bullied at school, how can parents help them? What should I do if I find that my child is bullying others?

Shen Chenyu: There are some psychological studies that show that if a child suffers school bullying in his middle and high school, then the probability of mental illness in early adulthood is very high. If the child was very lively and expressive before, but from a certain node, especially after changing the environment, he suddenly became silent, the first thing parents or teachers should consider at this time may be whether he was isolated by a small group, or even encountered school bullying.

For the response to school bullying, the most important thing is whether there is a sense of trust between parents and children, and whether there is a good parent-child relationship. When a child encounters a problem, his first thought should be: I have to tell my parents about this. Adults' coping strategies are obviously richer than those of a minor, and of course, all this presupposes that you have a stable parent-child relationship.

We found that many children who have been bullied in school, his parent-child relationship is problematic, for example, some children grow up in single-parent families, some children's parents usually quarrel very frequently, do not spend a lot of time with their children, parent-child relationship is very distant, and even some children grew up in the environment of domestic violence, he does not have any sense of trust in his parents, in this context, he naturally does not want to tell his parents about his bullying. Children who grow up in this kind of native family, he may also have a natural sense of rejection for other adults, so he will not tell the teacher.

For such children, the school's psychologists can use their own technology and professional care to establish an effective connection with the child, let the child tell the real situation, and then feedback this information to his class teacher and parents, so that the child can get real help.

If their child is the bully, I think parents need to do more self-reflection - what the child has gone through and why he feels self-worth in the violence. Adler said in "Inferiority and Transcendence" that each of us may have some inferiority mentality, and each of us wants to develop some transcendent skills from low self-esteem, affirming that we have self-worth in this aspect, and self-confidence is more from this part to build.

A good way to build self-confidence should be to learn skills, help others, do a thing, etc., but there are some children who go astray during adolescence, and at this time there is no corresponding guardian to correct his travel route, slowly, these children are very likely to gain value and gain a sense of order in the process of bullying others, such children grow up a little longer, it is very easy to become a violent group.

Children are a microcosm of a family. But whenever we find such a situation, we must first understand how the child's growth and development process is, whether the family's support is enough, if this point is not really solved, purely from the perspective of the child's personal behavior to correct, this matter may not be so easy to solve.

Wang Xinmin: Whether they are bullied or bullied others, both types of children need to intervene.

The bullied child has no power, what parents have to do is not to let the child fight back or solve it for the child, you solve it for the child, it will make the child lose the ability to protect himself; If you let him call back, he may not have the courage, and he will not dare to tell you in the future. When the child is bullied, the parents first go to hug the child, first care about the child's physical and psychological situation, give him support and the strength to face together, and then ask the child the ins and outs of the matter and take corresponding countermeasures. In addition, teach children how to avoid harm when encountering similar things, and encourage children to protect themselves.

There are two types of children who bully others, the first is insecure and the second lacks love. Parents must give love to their children, understand what kind of needs their children have, control their emotions and deal with problems correctly in daily life. In addition, whether it is a conflict between the child or the husband and wife, do not solve the problem through violence, set an example, let the child treat the problem from primary school, the correct way to deal with the problem, so that he can get love and security, which is not only conducive to preventing bad behavior, but also helps him get out of bad behavior.

Editor: Liao Xi Mian

Reviewed: Ambergchen

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