Families who have suspended school due to depression are behind the reason to warn parents: "The child is not rebellious, it is sick"
Author: Kaede of the main creative group
I once read 20 stories of teenagers who were depressed and suspended from school in "Liberation Daily".
Surprisingly, most of them are top students in key middle schools, and their future possibilities are infinite.
But one day, the children suddenly became anxious, tired of school, pessimistic, desperate, world-weary...
For example, some children were originally cheerful and talkative, but one day, he not only became emotional, but also began to have inexplicable pain; At its worst, he shouted at his mother, "I'm going to kill you!" ”
Some children were originally vigorous, but because they were afraid that they would not be able to get into a good university, they became irritable, crying and laughing inexplicably, sometimes manic, sometimes depressed, and have suspended school for 3 years and committed suicide by swallowing sleeping pills.
There is a girl like a flower who, when she feels uncomfortable, will uncontrollably scratch shocking scars on her hands.
According to the 2022 National Depression Blue Book:
There are 95 million people suffering from depression in mainland China, 30% of the total number of depressed patients under the age of 18, and 50% of depressed patients are school students.
What went wrong here?
The family environment "went wrong" and the child became ill
To get back to normal, the kids attended a teenage depression camp.
With the help of the instructor, they began to "complain".
19-year-old Han Qing has been someone else's child since she was a child, but she is very inferior and feels that she is nothing. "I've never decided on my own," she said. ”
Not only in study, but also in life, even if she eats a meal, the mother will give her daughter dishes that she feels are nutritious according to her own preferences, even if her daughter hates to eat them.
From beginning to end, Han Qing's likes and dislikes, feelings, and emotions were invisible to her mother; Therefore, her mother felt that she had given a lot, but Han Qing only wanted to escape.
Tan Tan, 13, attends a key middle school in Beijing and maintains his grades in the top 20 of his grade. She is also good at piano and opera, has read thousands of books, and has a "perfect character" in the eyes of her classmates.
But she said:
"Because of my mother, I didn't have a childhood. She is a postdoctoral fellow at a prestigious university, full of ambition but has many regrets, and I am her tool to eliminate regrets. ”
Like a puppet, she has always been chosen and arranged, she is "excellent", but she has no self.
Even, after Tan Tan was diagnosed with depression, the mother still couldn't control the child's psychology.
There is also a tall boy who runs to the children's toy counter in the supermarket every time he falls ill, because this is his only happy memory, which comes from early childhood.
Since my father took over the power of education, there was only one sentence on his lips: if you can't pass Tsinghua Peking University, you are social scum.
The boy's daily task is to learn, learn, and learn again. Until a month before the middle school entrance examination, the boy couldn't stop, crying and asking his mother for help:
"If Dad watched me do math problems again, I wouldn't be able to write a word..."
These children, all from Kochi families, are well cared for, but they slowly collapse in silent depression.
In fact, the original intention of parents is also for the good of their children, but why are children depressed?
Parents may not know that in an airtight learning environment, when grades become the only indicator of a child, it is difficult for him to have other sense of value and experience.
Therefore, when the grades cannot prove their excellence, and there is no outlet for internal anxiety, the child can only continue to attack himself inward, and finally suppress into injury.
Do not raise children in fish tanks
In life, there are not many such parents.
They mistakenly think that loving children means planning everything for their children and strictly urging them to move forward.
As everyone knows, their excessive intervention hurts the child.
In psychology, there is a famous story.
It is said that the small fish in the fish tank are carefully cared for every day, but after two years, the small fish is only three inches long. Until one day the fish tank was broken and the small fish were put into the pool in the yard. In just two months, the little fish has grown from three inches to one foot!
And this phenomenon of breaking the fish tank and making the fish grow faster and better is also known as the "fish tank rule".
Small fish need freedom to grow, and so do children.
A child in captivity in a fish tank, his world is narrowed to the square inch of the desk, there is no choice, no freedom, the road to growth naturally becomes particularly difficult.
Just like Jiang Jing in "Female Psychologist", a girl who has been "captive" by her mother for 30 years.
She has been forced to learn piano by her mother since she was 5 years old, and she has to practice for more than 10 hours a day, regardless of the cold winter and heat. Sometimes if I didn't play well, my mother would call over and over again on the side, and if I didn't play well, I wouldn't be allowed to eat.
Jiang Jing was slightly dissatisfied, and her mother bombarded: "Who can you show it?" Long ability to you? Who did you learn from? ”
Not only that, but Mom also supervises and controls her in all directions. Ask what clothes to wear, what hairstyle to comb, and what friends to make. Even though she is an adult, her mother has her room key so she can enter and exit at any time.
Once, she was secretly playing drums and was discovered by her mother, who came up and threw the drumsticks, asking her why she didn't tell herself when she went out: "You are the meat that fell from my body, you have to tell me what you do!" ”
Her mother's strong love forced her to breathe, and long-term depression caused her to suffer from binge eating disorder. In despair, she wrote a suicide note, smashed everything her mother bought her, and roared:
"I don't want to win any first prize at all! I don't want to play the piano at all! I don't want to live the way you want me to be, I don't want that life. ”
Finally, she asked her mother hysterically: "Why are you trapping me?" ”
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that a child, pushed by external voices since childhood, they cannot be real, so they can only give up themselves in despair.
Just like Jiang Jing, who seems so good to outsiders, the inner "self" is empty. She hasn't experienced what it's like to enjoy what she loves, or what it's like to "just make herself happy."
Her 30 years of life have been living for her mother's expectations, and this mother's kidnapping has exhausted her physically and mentally, and she even gave up her life to escape such a burden.
Raising a child in a fish tank is destined to be a tragedy, even in the name of love.
Because every child spends his life in order to get rid of his parents' expectations and become himself.
If parents cannot see the child's heart, and the child cannot break free from the control of his parents, he can only destroy his parents' "child" by self-abandonment.
There are no children with strong resistance in the fish tank
In the training camp, there is a girl named Yuan Ranran, she has a cheerful and lively personality and excellent grades.
But she suffered from a serious eating disorder because of a broken love, and finally became depressed in anxiety.
Her father said with great remorse:
As early as knowing that her daughter will develop psychological problems due to broken love, she should pay more attention to the physical and mental development of her children, rather than making up cultural classes all the time.
Yes, children kept in fish tanks, from an early age, are strictly controlled in terms of learning and are well protected in terms of life, and they do not have the opportunity to experience and experience life.
So a little setback in life may be a hurdle in his life.
I think of the story of a netizen.
Since childhood, her mother never let her participate in activities that have nothing to do with her studies, and she has hardly hung out with her classmates.
Even during the holidays, when her classmates traveled or participated in summer camps, she could only stay at home reading and studying.
The teacher and her mother reported that "the child is a bit introverted and unsocial", but the mother is not impressed, thinking that it is better for the child to focus on learning.
Growing up in this way, her grades are very good, but only good grades.
In high school, because her classmates said that her teeth were ugly, she never smiled again.
During the military training in college, she ran too slowly, was disciplined by the instructor, and she cried all night.
After work, she just had some conflicts with her colleagues, and she was stunned that she was not in a state for a day, thinking of simply resigning.
Because of her fragile and sensitive personality, she often runs into a wall at work, and wants to retreat and cry when things happen.
She is also afraid of all social interactions, even acquaintances who have not been in touch for a long time.
She feels very tired and tired every day, and has a deep sense of powerlessness about life.
"Some things are far more important than learning, but my parents never taught me," she says. ”
Yes, a child who cannot socialize, he has no way to build his own social support system, and he cannot gain social acceptance at work.
A child who can only learn is destined to not win the big test of human growth and running.
The difficult problems that children will encounter in the future are not answered in books.
Raising children in the fish tank not only limits the child's vision, but also narrows the child's life circle and weakens the child's courage to resist difficulties.
Instead of creating a "fish tank" for your child
It is better to create a "runway" for children
The first half of the child's life is accompanied by the parents, and the second half of the child's life has to go on his own.
So instead of building a "fish tank" for children, it is better to create a "runway" for children. Only when a child has developed a skill on the "runway" we have built can he overcome any runway in society.
1. Learn to let go three times and let your child be himself
Two days ago, a friend told me that his son was preparing for the independent admission examination of Peking University.
While envious, I was more curious about how she raised high-grade, confident and cheerful children.
Friends said that there was no cultivation, just let the child decide.
· Give your child choice
Things that children can choose independently, such as what interest classes to attend, what extracurricular books to read, how to allocate leisure time, etc., you give him choice, is to give him trust.
In order to live up to this trust, children are often more responsible for their own choices.
· Give your child the right to try
Things that children want to try, such as learning to dance, skating, participating in competitions, going camping with friends... When it is safe to do so, she supports her child to give it a try.
Only by trial and error can children continue to reap the power of growth.
· Give your child the right to decide
When it comes to children's choice of arts and sciences, what major to study, what kind of girl to choose to fall in love with... For these major issues in life, she only provides opinions without interfering, and fully respects the children.
"A child, only by being himself, can he be more responsible for himself," she said. ”
Oh, yes! Parents respect their children from the bottom of their hearts, and children tend to be more surprised by their parents.
2. Let your child go out and see the world more
Liu Zhenlian, the "Chinese model parent", advocated that parents should return a vast world to their children.
Since her daughter's primary school, she has insisted on taking her daughter to see the world every Sunday, allowing her to learn through experience and practice, enrich her heart and broaden her horizons.
When her daughter was under pressure from school, Liu Shenglian once took her to Inner Mongolia late at night, only to realize her daughter's dream of watching meteor showers.
At 4 o'clock in the morning, minus 15 degrees, on the empty wasteland, a family of three snuggled up to feel the shock of meteors cutting through the night.
It was a crazy decision, but if I had gone back in time, I would still have firmly chosen to take the kids. Because I know that such practical actions can better support the child's heart, which is far more effective than simple comfort.
Under the cultivation of Liu Shenglian, her daughter's mentality became better and better, her grades rose steadily, and she was finally admitted to Peking University.
A child, after experiencing the variety of life, will not be trapped in the current suffering, and will be more calm and atmospheric about the future.
As parents, only by allowing our children to have more contact with the world outside the classroom and enrich their hearts can they better fight the long sky and the distance.
The educator Montessori once said that every child is born with a spiritual embryo.
No matter how his parents "transformed", he still wanted to be himself in the end.
As the instructor repeatedly suggested during the treatment of these 20 depressed children, parents need to further withdraw in the growth of their children.
Because in a sense, the best help given by the family may simply be to be a "companion".
Only a child who has a sense of control over himself can walk out of his own good road.
As parents, remember that our children belong to tomorrow, to a tomorrow that we never dreamed of reaching.
The only thing we can do is to give him wings and let him soar in the sky of his dreams.