Teaching is more important than words? Sometimes, you don't have to force yourself

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The phrase "teaching is more important than words" can be said to be the most reasonable saying in the parenting circle.

For a while, I was strict with myself. Every time I encounter something and want to retreat, I tell myself in my heart that I can't be an example for my baby!

After a long time, the sense of achievement has not increased much, but it is really tiring.

However, after relaxing, I found that children can become quite brave without being a strong self.

Last week, Wa went to her first piano competition.

On the day of the competition, although I was out of town on business, I was still worried about her, and I was even inexplicably nervous.

After the game, I couldn't wait to ask about the situation of my husband and child, and the reply was that he was not nervous at all, relaxed the whole time, and in very good condition.

I felt impressed at the time.

Back then, no, not only then, but now, whenever I met the need to do things in front of everyone when I went on stage and made a speech, I was so nervous that my stomach hurt. But Wa seems to have nothing, this child is better than me!

In addition to sighing at the power of the baby, what makes me feel more gratified, or relaxed, is that I found that even if I am not very good, the baby can be very brave, and I can finally be the somewhat intimidated self with confidence!

Get rid of the "role model for children" persona

For a while, I had high requirements for myself, asking myself to learn this and that, enroll in various classes, and participate in various activities.

But the motivation for this is not simply because I want to be better, but because I believe that parents are the ceiling of children, and if I want my children to grow better, I must be better.

At that time, I imagined myself as a dome, and the child grew up under the dome, and I had to keep getting taller and bigger in order to give the child more room for development.

However, then I suddenly realized that my perception was really very wrong.

First, if this is really the case, then no matter how much the child grows, it will only grow up in a limited space. You think you're making a way for her, but it's actually a limitation, and it looks like she has plenty of space, but in reality, it's a lot less likely.

Second, if we want our children to do better, we must do it ourselves, and we may need to make ourselves an all-round person. Do not shrink or be afraid in the face of anything, always be highly disciplined and love to learn. But as an ordinary person, I really have limited cognition and limited ability, and I demand that I be all-powerful, and in the end, I can only exchange it for one sentence - concubines can't do it!

Third, in some aspects that obviously cannot be done, forcing yourself to put away weaknesses and fears, pretending to be strong and "I can", seems to be doing positive transmission to the child, but in fact, the child receives not only strong and good, but also fragile and shameful. When a person is not allowed to be vulnerable, it is actually difficult to become strong.

Don't be a role model, and don't be a ceiling

Be honest about your limitations

I used to think that if I wanted my children to do something, I had to do it first.

So, every time I encounter something and want to scream and retreat, I say to myself, calm down! Be an example for your child.

However, this matter will not last long. Because there are some things that you instinctively want to escape, there will be a physiological reaction when encountered, and it is difficult to overcome it in a short time by reason.

Last summer, I took my kids to a water park.

Since I can't swim, I chose an area of only 0.9 meters to play with my children. For me at 175 tall, 0.9 meters felt like a small case, and I thought I could handle it.

But when I really got into the water, I was provoked.

It was a circular waterway, and although it was only 0.9 meters, it was not completely still water, and the bottom of the waterway was curved, so it was not as easy to walk as expected.

After the first lap, I gave up. What an example, what to lead by example, it is important for the old lady to save her life first!

I decisively rented myself a lifebuoy and curled up in 0.9 meters of water and walked cautiously.

I originally thought that my mother, who was so intimidating in swimming, was not destined to bring out a girl who was like a fish in water. However, it wasn't what I thought.

After playing for a while, the girl suddenly said that she wanted to learn to swim.

I didn't hesitate and told her very directly, I'm so sorry, I'm a little afraid of water, I probably can't help you with this.

So, she could only watch others swim, and began to try to stick her head into the water to hold her breath.

At first, I lifted my face when I touched the water, and then I could slowly plunge into it for a while, and then I could stick into it, gesturing with my hands and feet.

Of course, she didn't learn to swim in the end, but it inspired me a lot.

According to my previous thinking, I need to constantly improve myself in order to give my child more space, but why is it that in my obvious shortcomings, my child is not limited, but has his own desire and action to achieve.

Later, I wanted to understand whether I would become an obstacle to my child, and the point was not whether I could do it, but my attitude towards what I couldn't do.

If you are honest that you can't do it, and define this thing as being weaker in this regard, then for the child, this is just our experience and feelings, not the thing itself difficult or terrible.

We can't do it, and it doesn't mean that children can't do it, they can choose to do or not do it according to their own judgment.

But in reality, it's easy to turn the process of raising children into a process of finding allies.

That is, what I feel about one thing, and let the child experience that feeling.

What parents themselves feel afraid of, they must also make their children feel afraid; What you don't like, let your children feel annoyed.

Such an approach deprives the child of the opportunity to experience it himself, and it is likely to cause the child to never experience it, but has been indoctrinated with the idea that this thing is not good and cannot be done.

Being honest with their limitations and admitting that some things they really can't do is not only true for children, but also makes them understand that it is normal to do what they can't do, but gives them more opportunities and ideas to explore.

Our world is not the world

In the movie "Summer Friendship Day", the little sea monster Luca and his family live in the sea near a small fishing village.

His day-to-day life is herding his small fish.

One day, Luca discovers alarm clocks and cards that have fallen from a human ship. He especially wanted to know, what is the world of humans like on the sea?

Back home, he couldn't wait to ask his parents. Unexpectedly, not only did it not answer, but it also caused panic among parents.

While they persuaded Luca not to think about these things, as long as they did not think about it, these things would not bother them; While contacting distant relatives, he wanted to send Luca to the deep sea.

Because he didn't want to go to the deep sea, Luca accidentally hit the ground and landed. He saw a completely different world from the sea, made new friends, and had a new life.

Of course, throughout the process, he also faced difficulties, felt the malice of others, and experienced his own helplessness.

But all these experiences taught him what the human world is really like. It's not as beautiful as my friends said, but it's not as scary as my parents described.

Looking back, why were Luca's parents so panicked about him stepping into the human world? Is it because of their own horrible experience?

On the contrary, all their rejections are because they have never experienced it, and their understanding of the human world depends entirely on the description and imagination of others.

When we grow up, it's easy to imagine the world we are exposed to as the whole world, or in other words, the reasonably good world.

The parts that we have not experienced and have not seen before, like a flood beast, make people not feel at ease and reassuring.

With our children, it's easy for us to be like Luca's parents and want them to live in a field they know.

When the child is young, we want to grasp all the whereabouts of the child and catch any clues to prove that he is doing well; When he grows up, we want them to do the work they have seen and are familiar with, even at the expense of their children's preferences and interests.

We expect our children to be brave so much, but we are so afraid that they will "lose control." We completely forget that the world we have seen is like the small meadow where Luca's parents live, and the outside world is the vast sea.

Admittedly, we can't give our children the whole sea. But we can give him the courage to set out for the whole sea.

Because what really limits children is not how much we have seen and how much we know, but our cognition and attitude towards the unknown world.

If we choose to characterize and distance ourselves from the unknown as Luca's parents did in the face of the human world, then no matter how "successful" we are, our child's growth will be limited to a corner in front of us.

But if we can keep an open mind, be a little curious about things we have not seen, and reduce some judgment, we will open the door to new worlds for children, giving them the courage and strength to explore.

Let go and create opportunities

The other day, I accompanied my kids to an audition for a show.

I don't know if the child is nervous or not, but I am indeed very nervous.

As I sat in the hall waiting, I could already feel my heart beating faster, and I felt the urge to repeatedly check with my child that I was ready (but resisted).

That day, I just had some work to do. I don't know if the child felt my nervousness, or just because he wanted me to work, the child said to me, Mom, you go to work, daddy is here with me.

I wanted to stay with her for a while, after all, this was her first audition, and I wanted to see her grow. But later, considering that there was indeed a lot of work, and I stayed by myself, if I didn't resist asking questions, I would spread my nervousness to my children, so I left for the unit.

Later, my husband sent me a video from the scene, and the child performed very well, was not nervous, and passed the audition smoothly.

Because there is no parallel universe to verify, I can't judge whether my departure has a positive impact on the child, but it makes me think that proper withdrawal is actually creating more possibilities for the child.

Recently, my children have always refused my company.

In addition to this audition, sometimes practicing the piano or writing homework, she would also say, let me do something else, she can do it herself.

For parents, we will feel that we put down our own affairs to accompany our children, which is a support for our children, and even choose to sacrifice ourselves and even ourselves for the sake of our children.

But whether we really want to support our children, or is it just to meet our own standards for a good parent; Whether it can really help children or is just self-touching is actually a question we need to think about.

What is good support for children?

When children need it, companionship is support, which can help them drive away bad emotions and gain strength; But quitting is also good support when the child doesn't need it, telling the child that they deserve to be believed and have the ability to implement their ideas.

Accompaniment is like doing addition, withdrawal is like doing subtraction, for parents, addition is easy, subtraction is difficult, accompaniment needs to squeeze out more time, but withdrawal requires stronger psychological strength.

However, for children, withdrawal is sometimes more meaningful than companionship.

Our temporary departure not only reduces the interference of personal emotions on children, but also removes obstacles in the way for children, allowing them to have more freedom to move forward.

I suddenly understand now that the so-called teaching is more important than words, not requiring us to be brave, hard and strong at all times, but to be a true self, a person who has the ability but also limitations, hard work but is not perfect.

Only truth can release the shackles on us and give children the courage to move forward.