Why "as soon as the child cries, I get irritable and can't help but lose my temper"? Psychology tells you the answer

Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Ma~

In the process of parenting, I don't know if you have ever had such an experience:

As soon as the child cried, the adult became upset and couldn't help yelling at him: "Stop crying!" ”

Watching the child cry, the adult first couldn't control his emotions and couldn't help but lose his temper with him. The more the child cries, the more irritable the adult becomes.

I also had this situation when I was a little boy. I knew that the child crying at him would not work, but I was inexplicably irritable and couldn't control myself.

Why do children get emotional and we adults collapse first?

One: "Arousal"

In psychology, there is a word called "arousal."

For example, when I watched TV, when Sister Mei died, Huan Huan stumbled out, using all her strength to grieve. Every time I watch this clip, I can't help but cry along with it.

Her movements, her eyes, her facial expressions, her infectious power, all resonated with me, and I couldn't help but grieve with her and sad with her.

This state of "seeing emotions from others, we will feel them inside" is arousal.

It can also be said that what you see, you become.

You see the child crying, in fact, you also see his emotions, you see his helplessness, his sadness, his sadness and pain.

Since we know that the child is sad when crying, why are we still crazy and irritable instead of patiently helping him?

Because we ourselves lack the experience to deal with this emotion correctly.

And the more the child cries, the stronger the emotions he "evokes" our unease, and the easier it is for us to be overwhelmed by them.

So frustration, powerlessness, and even fear make us just want to drive away this bad feeling, so we stop the child by throwing tantrums or yelling: "Stop crying! ”

Look, the crying stopped. We don't see the child's sad emotions, and the emotions that "evoke" our own pain disappear with it.

Simply and rudely stop and do not allow children to cry and lose their temper, although it is quiet at the moment, but the impact on children is far-reaching.

Two: We communicate with our children using body language

There is a very interesting phenomenon, I don't know if you have noticed - our communication with children, most mainly through the body to the body.

Children to us: hug if we like it, pout when we are dissatisfied, stomp our feet when we are angry, bow our heads when we are afraid...

We treat children: kiss if we like it, smile when we appreciate it, push it away when we hate it, glare when we are angry...

Especially for younger children, when his expression ability is not enough, all his negative emotions are almost expressed in body language such as crying.

And children's perception of us is almost always obtained from body language.

When a child cries, we get angry, frown, push him away, and have an emotional outburst. Then he will feel that crying is bad, crying will cause pain to others, crying is shame, crying will hurt his mother.

Then in any relationship in the future, he will be easily overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety.

And if, when the child is overwhelmed by emotions, we allow him to cry, lose his temper, hate, and contain and deal with this emotion, and then return it to him in an "easily digestible" form.

Then he will know in the future:

If you feel uncomfortable, you can reject others without guilt;

If others do excessively, then they can lose their temper and will not "permanently harm" others;

Even if negative emotions are expressed, others have the ability to tolerate them; Emotions can be controlled and do not destroy oneself or loved ones.

So what can we do to return the child's uncontrolled emotions in an "easy to digest" way?

Three: holding

Winnicott came up with a very, very important word in parent-child relationships – holding.

How to understand this word? It can be mastery, tolerance, understanding, inclusion, acceptance.

In fact, to put it more colloquially, it is "together".

Take an example.

Bunior fell on her bike, sat on the ground and cried.

I didn't show impatience and rushed to stop her: "Okay, okay, don't cry." ”

Nor did he deny her feelings: "It doesn't hurt when you fall, what's there to cry about?" ”

He also did not accuse her: "Who can blame for falling by yourself?" ”

He didn't threaten her: "I'll ignore you if I cry again." ”

He didn't humiliate her: "Is it shameful to cry when such an adult is still crying?" ”

I just took her in my arms and gently stroked her back while she slowly calmed down on her own. I told her in this silent, but accepting and inclusive way: "I am with you. ”

Let's give another example of a friend of mine.

There is a child in the garden, every time he wakes up from sleep, he feels lonely and misses his mother very much, and he secretly lies in bed and cries.

After she knew it, she held the child in her arms and comforted her softly: "You miss your mother, you have been separated from your mother for so long, you will miss your mother, and the teacher can understand you." If you want to cry, cry, I will accompany you. ”

When the child calmed down, she told him: "Next time I miss my mother, you will come and hug me, I will always be here." ”

When a child is in a mood, we don't get out of control first to make the situation worse, and that's taking control of the situation. We have peace of mind, understanding, accepting, and tolerating his emotions, which is "together".

That is, when the child encounters unbearable emotions, when we are "aroused" by the child strong feelings, we are able to accommodate, understand, and "return to him" again in a gentle, digestible form.

Then one day, children will learn to control these emotions on their own in such a relationship, and learn how to deal with and alleviate pain, without losing control and feeling sad at every turn.

Many mothers will say, when I see my child crying, what if I can't do peace of mind and accept it calmly?

It may be that in our life experience, when we encounter unbearable emotions, we rarely experience the feeling of being "together", and few people can "return" this emotion to us in a gentle way.

Then what we need to do is to change little by little, to accept little by little.

Even if we don't know how to comfort and understand our children, we must at least "control the situation." Even if you accompany him silently, don't make the situation worse, and allow him to vent his emotions, this is also a kind of "holding", a kind of "with you" support.

A little change, with a little persistence, you will find that the child will change dramatically~

As soon as the child cries, we adults first lose control of our emotions, have you encountered this situation?

[Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion]

About author:Cuckoo mother, psychological counselor, family education instructor, marriage emotional counselor, focus on children's psychology, read children's easy parenting, like it, pay attention to it~