Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
The "seven-year itch" is a widely accepted concept that usually appears around the seventh year of marriage.
At this time, the relationship between husband and wife may encounter severe challenges, and the relationship may reach a low point and be prone to crisis.
In order to keep their marriage as fresh as possible, many couples struggle to find a mutually acceptable mode of getting along.
For example, many wives believe that it is an effective strategy to keep their marriage.
Many husbands, on the other hand, enhance their relationship by constantly offering romance and surprises to satisfy their wives' preferences.
Marriage, although based on the feelings of both parties, is not exactly the same as the emotions themselves.
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We can refer to the conclusions of some long-term studies to explore this question.
In the field of marriage and relationships, John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and director of the Seattle Institute for Human Relations, is known as an authority in the field and is often called.
He has spent forty years researching and observing more than 700 couples, and has completed books such as "Happy Marriages" based on a large amount of data, and has gained an in-depth understanding of how couples get along with each other.
Gottman's research found that despite the apparent harmony of 69% of couples, problems still exist between them, and these problems are often long-term and difficult to resolve.
However, these couples do not deny the importance of each other in their own lives, and they are willing to accept a marriage with problems.
Gottman further analyzes that the relationship between husband and wife is not simply a direct addition, but a process of how two different individuals merge into a harmonious whole.
It may be that before getting married, two people have their own shortcomings, for example one person may be 0.3 and the other is 0.7, but after the combination, they together form a complete "1".
This is where the value of marriage and the goal of husband and wife come together.
Gottman's views are instructive for us, and of course, the concept of marriage and love is also different in different cultural contexts in the East and the West.
For example, in today's Chinese society, people's concept of marriage and love has changed significantly compared with the traditional one.
According to data released by the mainland's civil affairs department,
From 2003 to 2019, China's divorce rate has been on the rise for 17 consecutive years.
By 2019, the number of divorces in China had reached 4,700,600, an increase of 5.4% over the previous year, and the divorce rate was 3.36 per thousand. If we compare the number of marriages over a period of time with the number of divorces during the same period, we can see that the increase in the number of divorces is very significant.
In 2020, for example, there were 8.131 million marriages registered and 3.733 million divorces registered nationwide, which means that almost one out of every two married couples divorced, and the divorce ratio reached 45.9%.
Entering 2021, the number of single young people of school-age in China has exceeded 200 million, and many young people have a fearful or disdainful attitude towards marriage or even love, and choose to remain single.
By 2023, according to the statistics of the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the number of marriage registrations nationwide will be 7.68 million, and the number of divorce registrations will be 2.593 million.
Behind these data is the changing attitude of contemporary people towards marriage and love relationships.
Nowadays, many people gradually stop seeing love or marriage as a necessity of life for a variety of reasons, and single life is more attractive to them.
However, there are some key elements to be aware of in order to overcome long-standing headwinds in married life and continue to maintain the marriage.
In general, to maintain a long-term marriage, you need to do at least the following three things:
1. Continuity of Mutual Attraction:
For today's young people, their lives are almost a transition from schooling to work, and in the process, their main social activities are often confined to their peers.
The best chance of falling in love is often in college.
When you enter the workplace, it is relatively unrealistic to develop a relationship with a colleague.
However, no matter how you know each other, once you enter into a relationship or marriage, it is very important to maintain mutual attractiveness.
If, after getting to know each other deeply, you find that the other person has their own unbearable shortcomings, then it is wiser to separate early.
夏洛蒂·勃朗特(Charlotte Brontë)在《简·爱》中写道:
"Love is a game, and only when both sides are evenly matched and do not have an advantage over each other, can they rely on each other for a long time. An opponent who is too strong can be annoying, and an opponent who is too weak can also lose interest. ”
2. The Role of Economic Factors in Marriage:
In the past few decades, when choosing a spouse, people no longer only pay attention to the other person's character and behavior, but also pay more attention to the other party's work income, family background and even the amount of bride price.
This is because in modern society, it is often difficult to succeed by individual efforts alone, and the idea of "changing fate" has led some people to see marriage as an economic opportunity.
Many young people have the habit of spending ahead of time due to the influence of consumerism, but after marriage, the husband and wife must have the same view of consumption.
Whether it's frugality or pleasure, as long as it's consistent, it's usually not too much of a problem. Especially after having children, if the two parties do not agree on the concept of consumption, it is difficult for the marriage to last.
3. Respect each other's personal values:
In the traditional concept, it is often believed that if a woman can marry a good person and become a good wife and mother, she will realize the value of life.
But as society evolves, especially with the social and cultural status of women, they are becoming more aware that they should not be just dependent on others.
In a marital relationship, if the man is too macho and ignores or suppresses the woman, it will make it difficult for the woman to satisfy her personal value, and eventually the relationship will be difficult to maintain.
Women also need to realize that they are not vassals of the man, and they do not have to always be dependent on each other, but should find their own independent personality and value.
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Keywords in this article: marriage, psychology
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