Written by / First Psychology Writers
Editor / Tommy
I used to be very fond of my little nephew, who used to buy all kinds of toys for him, and would buy new clothes for him when the seasons changed.
Whenever I appeared, he always greeted me with a smile on his face.
However, as time went on, my sister-in-law and I had an argument over the issue of my parents' pension.
I advocated that each family should bear half of the cost, and my brother initially agreed to this, but my sister-in-law thought that we should pay more because of the better conditions of our family.
As a result, the relationship between the two families began to become strained.
Despite this, my love for my nephew never changed until one day, I noticed that he was no longer smiling at me.
On that day, I specially selected a gift in the hope of surprising him.
But when I handed him the gift, he simply said "thank you", and there was no longer the enthusiasm in his eyes.
At that moment, I felt an indescribable sense of loss.
After that, my nephew became more and more cold to me, and began to avoid the opportunity to be alone with me, and at family gatherings, he always talked to me in a perfunctory manner, and hastily ended the conversation.
I tried to get close to him, trying to restore our closeness, but each attempt seemed to fail.
Once, when I invited him to a movie in the hope of reliving the good old days, he coldly replied that he had other plans, and that the silence on the other end of the phone was like an invisible wall separating us.
I understand what the reason is, but I didn't expect this estrangement to come so quickly and so coldly.
This is the real experience of a reader.
I expressed my comfort to him that Chinese culture is deeply rooted in our hearts, especially when it comes to family relationships, and we attach great importance to the relationship between our loved ones, including parents, children and siblings.
We also care deeply for the next generation of our own family members.
However, we often overlook an important element in relationships:
A sense of boundaries
1. Hierarchical model of interpersonal relationships
Psychologist Mark S. Mark L. Knapp, in his book Lies and Deception, first proposed a hierarchical model of interpersonal development.
He believes that the development of interpersonal relationships goes through several fixed stages, and eventually forms a stable level.
Specifically, these relationships can be divided into four levels:
Intimacy, life, networking and socialization.
The innermost intimate layer:
Including family and loved ones, it is at the heart of our lives.
Living Floor:
This includes our regular contact with colleagues, familiar neighbors, and playmates.
Networking Layer:
It's our social network, and although it's not very close, it may contain some important people who can help us.
Outermost social layer:
This may be limited to phone calls or WeChat exchanges, but occasional social media interactions can also be counted as a form of contact.
The boundaries between these different levels are clear and there is no crossing.
In general, we invest the most resources in the intimacy layer, while we invest in the life, networking, and social layers in descending order.
This hierarchical relationship model helps us better manage and balance our personal emotional and resource inputs.
According to the hierarchical model of interpersonal relationships, we should not be overly close or deeply involved in the children of siblings to avoid blurring the boundaries between family members.
On the contrary, we should pay more attention to our children, not only as parents, but also to prevent relationship imbalances and emotional damage to children due to negligence.
We must be aware that kindness towards other children may be only superficial closeness, and that this relationship is often shallow and can cause feelings of distrust or anxiety.
Such a view caused widespread discussion, and many people began to express their dissatisfaction and distress.
In fact, if there is some kind of purpose behind your kindness, whether material or emotional, you may feel extremely disappointed when these children grow up if they do not respond to your kindness.
One might argue that their love is selfless and does not expect anything in return, but when this selfless love goes unreciprocated and encounters indifference and ruthlessness, it is equally hurtful and can be more serious.
2. Maintain the balance of relationships at all levels
Keeping a certain distance from the children of siblings has in fact become a common phenomenon.
As they grow up and begin to live independently, the close ties between family members naturally decrease.
Your nephews or nieces will have their own circle of life, and their focus will change, which means that you will have less contact with each other.
For siblings, we don't need to be overly committed, let alone put the cart before the horse.
We should focus on our own children, which is not only our responsibility as parents, but also an important part of maintaining family harmony and children's mental health.
We should avoid confusing these family relationships, ignoring that our own children can lead to relationship imbalance and emotional instability, which can cause harm to our own children.
At the same time, an adult's love for other people's children may often be just a superficial expression of intimacy.
From a psychological point of view, this superficial intimacy is in a superficial state of interpersonal connection, but it is also a passive state. i.e. pseudo-sexual intimacy.
In this type of relationship, people may genuinely feel distrustful, anxious, or insecure.
When dealing with family relationships, it is extremely important to maintain balance at all levels.
From close family members to broader social and networking, each layer has its own unique importance and function.
We should cherish and nurture deep connections with our loved ones, while also expanding our social circle in a reasonable way to ensure that we find support and happiness at all levels of relationship.
This balance helps us build a healthier and more harmonious network.
The End -
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
Keywords: interpersonal relationships, psychology
The picture comes from the Internet, please contact for infringement
WeChat public account: First Psychology