After my son entered junior high school, I began to use these methods to cultivate a sense of relaxation and completely said goodbye to family internal friction
Author: The main creative group · Little Tomato
A friend's daughter is in her second year of junior high school this year.
She is the pearl in the palm of her friends, she has been at the top since she was a child, she has always been a good student in the class, and she also plays the piano well, and she has grown up in the envy of her neighbors since she was a child.
According to the route planned by my friend a long time ago, my daughter will take the art exam in the future, and it will definitely not be a problem to go to a good university.
But since last year, everything has gone in an uncontrollable direction.
First of all, her daughter failed the midterm exam, and her friend didn't take it too seriously, but when she didn't play well, she told her to take the exam next time.
Not long after, the teacher called her, saying that her daughter had been frequently distracted in class recently, did not pay attention to the lecture, and did not complete her homework carefully;
She couldn't help but question her daughter, but her daughter was very impatient and refused to communicate with her;
In the end, as soon as she spoke, her daughter lost her temper, yelled for her to go out, and cried that she didn't want to go to school.
She had no choice but to take her daughter to the doctor.
The diagnosis turned out to be: moderate depression.
The doctor told her that her daughter's heart had been very painful and she had fallen into serious "mental internal friction".
With this result, the friend also fell into anxiety.
She couldn't understand why her daughter, who was once so sensible and motivated, became like this;
What I don't understand even more is what makes my daughter's heart become full of holes, even indifferent and alienated.
My friend's story reminds me of a girl named Tan Tan that Jiefang Daily once reported.
Tan Tan, who grew up with his mother in the United States, returned to China to attend one of the best middle schools in Beijing, and his grades remained in the top 20 of his grade.
She is good at piano and opera, has read thousands of books, and is a perfect student in the eyes of her classmates.
Until one day, she suddenly became hysterical:
She refused to play the piano again, refused to go to school, refused to communicate with her mother.... He was eventually diagnosed with depression and had to take a break from school to stay at home.
She painfully confided in the doctor, it was because of her mother that she became like this:
"Because of my mother, I didn't have a childhood.
She is a postdoctoral fellow at a prestigious university, full of ambition but has many regrets, and I am her tool to eliminate regrets. ”
Because of anxiety and high expectations, many parents constantly try to control their children, ignore their emotional needs, and put too much pressure on their children;
In the end, the whole family is in a tense atmosphere, parents and children consume each other, and both are in pain.
It's just that the strings are too tight and will break one day; If a heart is imprisoned for too long, it will one day lose control.
Just like Tan Tan, the appearance seems bright and indestructible, but the inside becomes fragile in the long internal friction, and it will break with a poke.
The same goes for a friend's daughter.
As far as I know, she has been forced by her friends to play the piano for 3 hours a day since she was a child, with little time for herself, and even on weekends she has to go to several make-up classes.
She likes to draw and draw all kinds of beautiful dresses on grass paper, but every time her friends see her, they will scold her for not studying well;
On her birthday, a friend took her to eat steak and instilled in her while eating: "Mother saves money and gives you the best, you must know how to cherish it..."
In such a suffocating environment, I can imagine how many grievances, pressures, and guilt a child is filled with.
She was not suddenly depressed, but slowly collapsed after years of continuous consumption.
In fact, in the past 12 years of raising a baby, I also know the anxiety and difficulty of raising children.
Especially when my son first entered elementary school, it was simply the peak of my anxiety:
The son is slow to read and write, can't keep up with class, writes homework hard, and has no specialty, likes to play football after school, and plays crazy all over the yard... Everything makes me want to collapse.
Later, I slowly understood that most of my past anxiety was unnecessary, and I would only let myself and my children fall into internal friction.
Only a relaxed family atmosphere can give children a happy growth environment, and then harvest a healthy and loving parent-child relationship.
How can we create a "sense of relaxation" and give children a harmonious, warm and relaxed growth atmosphere?
Combined with 12 years of experience in raising children, I think the most important thing is to do these 4 points:
1 Allow everything to happen
When my son was young, I would try to arrange everything and try to make my education more "perfect".
I would go crazy because he was a picky eater and try my best to force him to eat something he didn't like to eat;
will also yell because he accidentally broke his knee;
He will also lose his temper because he grinds and learns things slowly.
Later, I found out that many things didn't affect anything, even if they didn't go my way.
Our anxiety about many things, such as anxiety about parenting, is ultimately a worry about the outcome;
But the problem is that this anxiety does not change the final outcome, and it can be transmitted to the child.
Therefore, I began to learn to accept and tolerate everything he had on the way to growth, whether it was a mistake or a sudden thought, I would say it was okay.
I think that allowing everything to happen, daring to face all problems, even if life is "derailed", this is precisely the beginning of cultivating a sense of relaxation.
2 Allow children to take their time
The poem "Walking in Your Own Time Zone" once wrote:
"Everyone in the world has their own time zone for development.
They are all in their own time zone, you are in yours, in your own time zone that fate has arranged for you, and everything is very punctual. ”
Every child has their own growth rhythm, and the more anxious and anxious you are, the lower the results.
I remember that there was such a hot news search, a father lying in the middle of the road crying for police detention, the reason was that his daughter did not understand math problems, 800 minus 700 equals 900.
In Gaozan's answer, an elementary school teacher told the truth in one sentence: It is normal that such an old child will not count this question. Just like third-graders can't count 20 by 30 because they haven't learned two-digit multiplication.
As parents, we are always afraid that our children will fall behind, but we forget that each child has its own time zone.
If parents have to project their survival anxiety onto their children, it will definitely destroy many children's own rhythms.
A family with a sense of relaxation, allowing the child to take his time and willing to give him time to sprout.
Like my son, although he will start later than others when he first enters elementary school, I never pressure him, but silently encourage him and comfort him behind his back.
As a result, since he reached the sixth grade, this kid seemed to have suddenly opened his mind, and his grades improved by leaps and bounds.
When you raise your child as a snail and accept the child's "slowness", the child will definitely return you a surprise.
3 Allow children to do useless gossip
Tsai Kangyong once said:
"My upbringing has made me believe that things that seem useless are often the treasures of our lives."
This is not an exaggeration.
Business tycoon Lee Kai-fu has liked to play since he was a child, and he is recognized as the most naughty of all the children in the family.
But his parents never interfered too much with him, did not want to review his homework, and even watched comic books; If you don't want to go to tutoring classes, you can also go fishing for fish.
He liked to read "The Complete Works of Sherlock Holmes", so his mother bought a whole set of books and gave it to him.
It is these seemingly useless idle things that make Kai-Fu Lee always maintain a strong curiosity about the world.
A relaxed and happy childhood, children should have some time to do what they like, less utilitarian.
For example, spend the morning observing ants aimlessly, running and jumping outside, reading some useless idle books, etc.
Let children enjoy more useless time and trivial things, their hearts will be filled with pleasure, and they will feel that life is meaningful.
After figuring this out, I stopped stopping my son from playing football, but stewed the meat and waited for him to come home, and when he came back hungry from playing, served hot rice.
I hope that in the current time of pressure and competition, children have time to do what they love and live for themselves.
4 Allow parents to be themselves
After becoming parents, many parents like to revolve around their children and lose their own life theme.
In the Taiwanese drama "Jasmine's Last Day", Jasmine's mother is a master in the United States, and after marriage, she gave up the opportunity to be promoted to professor in order to better take care of her daughter.
She pinned her expectations on Jasmine, and once her daughter did not meet her expectations, she would constantly emphasize the sacrifices she had made for her family:
"I gave up my great future for you, but you don't argue, if not for you, do you think I am willing?"
Finally, Jasmine became depressed, overwhelmed, and jumped out of the window.
If parents focus on their children, it will only cause psychological burden to children and constantly consume children's psychological energy.
In a relaxed family, parents can manage themselves well and enjoy their own lives.
Fudan professor Shen Yifei once told his own story.
In her household, everyone has their own duties, and no one revolves around whom:
The husband is mainly responsible for companionship, learning to let the children take charge of themselves, and she will take on limited household chores.
In the end, the rest of the time belongs to yourself, such as chasing dramas to relax and do something you like.
You love life, children will live poetically, you live a full life, children will strive to bloom.
There is a good saying: what hinders the growth of children is not poverty or busyness, but internal friction in the family.
In internal friction, children cannot feel the love and respect of their parents, do not feel joy and happiness, and it is difficult to become physically and mentally healthy adults when they grow up.
In fact, a free, warm and relaxed family atmosphere is the most precious gift we can give our children, far more precious than money.
It not only makes us feel good, but also gives the best nourishment to children.
Give him a sense of well-being, security, and the power to fight negative emotions.
May parents let go of anxiety, cultivate mentality, give them a tolerant environment and love, so that children can grow freely and happily.