The whole network is scolding, but I also want to remind you that raising a baby is most afraid of this kind of thinking trap

When I heard that Barbie Doll was a live-action movie, my first reaction was to take my daughter to see it, and she once liked this delicate, beautiful doll that could change into beautiful clothes, just as she liked princesses.

As a result, before I bought a ticket, I was brushed by various jokes on the Internet that "Barbie" turned out to be a "big heroine battle movie".

I thought, why don't you see for yourself first. 

Sure enough, while watching the movie, I heard the young couple sitting in the back row of me, the boy cursing, "What a silly X thing~"

Thinking of the scene just now, I can't help but laugh, it turns out that the online jokes are true, saying that watching the plot of "Barbie" is general, but the stinky face of the man watching the movie on the scene is more interesting. Even 90s and 00s said that the current boyfriend should not follow, first take him to watch "Barbie" to try.

What about me?

I'm almost 40, I actually have my own understanding of "men and women", I don't need a movie, a book to "awaken", and of course I won't quarrel with friends and netizens for the movie.

However, I suddenly thought that my daughter is only 9 years old, and my small team is almost all girls, but the boys in the family are the youngest 2 years old and the oldest is only 11 years old...

How do these children view the social relationship of "male and female"?

As mothers, what do we want them to think?

01

More important than "male and female"

It's "everyone is the same"

When many people mention "Barbie", their first reaction is that this is a feminist movie, and even add a sentence, "Emphasize the opposition between men and women." ”

Actually, I don't think so.

Let's take a serious look at the plot of the movie -

At the beginning of the movie, it is the "classic Barbie" who lives in Barbie Paradise, she has a perfect figure, perfect image, lives a perfect life every day, and is happy every day.

Suddenly, one morning, she woke up and found that everything had changed, because she thought of "death", and this thought made her have flat feet, drink expired milk, and have orange peel on her thighs, which is not her "perfect" life.

In order to continue this "perfect" life, she had to enter the "real world" and embark on a new journey.

Please note that Barbie discovered that "the truth of life includes death", and it turns out that his perfect life is just a fantasy, so he has all the following stories.

Change the hero here, won't the story be the same?

People face death, and most of the seemingly perfect lives are only short and illusory - this is the truth of life, and the truth is the same regardless of men and women.

For me, this "authenticity" is more important than "gender", which is what really motivates Barbie to act.

And this is also the most important thing for me to raise children, grasping those "life is the same" principles, naturally can fight against the binary opposition of "boys must be like this, girls must be like that".

Children will definitely encounter such feedback on the road to growth:

Mom, they say boys can't play with girls

Mom, they say girls shouldn't play basketball

Mom, they say the boy is a bit of a mother playing the guzheng

I had a period of confusion when I either chose to believe this conclusion or did my best to prove it wrong.

But after going around in circles for so many years and seeing more people in more places, I realized that it is easy to step into the trap of casually replacing a specific person with "male and female".

When children begin to use such simple "male and female" generalizations, we should be wary of such "dualist" thinking.

For younger children, I will ask this question to help children see "reality" through "gender".

Q: "Boys can't play with girls"

A：

--You're a boy, how can you play with your mom too?

--You're a girl, do you like to play with every girl in your class?

Do your boys/girls also like to play with someone of the opposite sex and not like someone of the same sex?

You see, who you play with has nothing to do with gender,

The key is what that person is like, whether you want it or not

Q：

"Girls shouldn't play basketball"

A：

--Why do you think they say that? There are more boys playing basketball in school, and are there any girls who play basketball great? Yes, there are women's basketball players.

--You are a girl who likes to play basketball, your good friend is also a girl, you like to play basketball, but she doesn't like it, right? Your brother is a boy, he doesn't like to play basketball, you see, not all boys like basketball.

So, any sport is gender-neutral, but everyone can have their own preferences.

For little dolls, the most real-life examples are the best way to deal with the gender label of "others say" and any other label.

For older kids, I'll introduce a "logical upgrade."

Q: "Boys can't play with girls"

A：

--Are boys human? Oh, yes

--Are girls human? Oh, yes

--Can people play with people? Absolutely

--Of course, boys can play with girls

Q：

"It's very good for a boy to play a guzheng"

A：

--Are boys human? yes

--Is the guzheng a musical instrument? yes

--Is it okay for people to play musical instruments? Of course

--Is there anything wrong with that boy playing the guzheng?

--But some people say it looks very girly

--Is his mother bad? I think it's bad

--Who thinks it's bad, don't play the guzheng, I think it's very good, boys play girls are very good, what do you think?

This is to further guide the child, not stuck in a certain perspective to be "simply implanted", we can think about anything from multiple angles, especially the value judgment of "good or not, can it, right or not".

We need to acknowledge that everyone's upbringing will make us have presets, and once we do, we are far from the "truth". Just like watching a movie, we are also prone to preconceived notions without actually watching what the movie is about.

Then raising children is the same, learn not to use "instinct" to respond to some external shocks, but think about how I can ask questions and guide, help children is also to help ourselves, to "seek truth".

02

The topic of gender is at the end of the day

In fact: take care of yourself first

I've mentioned to you several times that I'm a true love brain. Watching Barbie also made me rethink this question.

The film is set with Barbie and her boyfriend Ken.

At the beginning, Ken, as the second protagonist, is a male protagonist attached to Barbie (I estimate that many people mention him, and they don't even know his name, they know that he is Barbie's boyfriend).

Ken will not do anything, the meaning of his existence is to accompany Barbie and gain Barbie's like.

But when the two of them came to the real world, it all turned around. Ken saw that in a "patriarchal society", men are the masters of everything, and women exist to gain the love of men.

So, after Ken returned to Barbie Paradise, he overturned the past Barbie world and let Barbie start revolving around men.

At the end of the movie, Barbie recaptures "Barbie Paradise", and she encourages Ken to find himself instead of being Barbie "and Ken" forever. Ken cried, but gained strength from it and decided to get his subject back.

This plot is actually quite classic, that is, "we still have to be together, love is love, but do we have to fight over who obeys whom"?

I have written before that my daughter can not get married or have a baby in the future, I support it, but whether it is married or not, whether it is a baby or not, I estimate that every child grows up, how many times will have to fall in love and have a few intimate relationships.

What kind of relationship do you want your baby to fall into?

Parents of girls, will you encourage the baby, talk a few more times to see the boy, or "except your father, all the men in the world are bad guys and want to take advantage of you"?

Parents of boys, how will you tell your sons, "Don't bully other girls, let as much as you can", or "This girl wears such a short skirt, she won't do housework well in the future"?

Regarding how to find the "right" person, I once wrote a lesson (poke the blue words below to see the old article) I will not repeat it here.

To put it bluntly: How much dowry I saved for my daughter, and how much dowry I plan to receive

Let boys have responsibility, girls do not lack love, and grow up to have the ability to "prevent slag"

The process of pursuing love in "Barbie" reminds me of what was said in the book "Intimate Relationships", the purpose of a relationship is not to give and receive love from each other, but to help you understand the love you have been looking for, and finding true love is the process of finding your true self.

This is the second tip for me, every child has to fall in love, to establish intimacy, our advice to the baby, not to "target others", but to "think about yourself", as much as possible to stimulate the child's "subjectivity".

How to stimulate "subjectivity"?

Encourage children to express their emotions more, reduce parents' preconceived expressions at the first time, "I'm happy for you", try to ask more, "How do you feel?" What do you think"?

When a child expresses that he "likes" a friend, or even claims to have a "boy/girlfriend", avoid judging education at the first time and try to ask, what do you like about her? Visualizing the liking for a person can better help children understand the "needs" behind my liking.

When children are frustrated and quarreling because of intimacy, don't rush to stand in line to persuade them to analyze the problem, remind them to take a step back and take a look, behind the accusation is what their needs are not met (for example, I always said that Little D's father does not bring a baby, in fact, behind me I feel the needs that were ignored after giving birth to a baby), directly communicate and express needs, rather than constantly quarreling around a certain issue.

In the end, we must let children understand from an early age that everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and everyone's happiness must not depend on the external environment or a person.

After understanding this, we can better solve the problem, or have the confidence to leave a person, a relationship.

03

Be wary of verbal brainwashing

Be a buffer for children

In the second half of "Barbie", the awakening of many characters relies on language.

There is a 3-minute paragraph in it, which is very preachy and has been forwarded by many friends.

And the words "brainwashing" and "anti-brainwashing" are not shy in the movie, I understand the way the film is handled, but such a straightforward and exaggerated way is actually not constructive.

For example, recently, a large number of people on the Internet have used the excuse of online fraud in northern Myanmar to rape a movie actor and his wife, and even scold their children.

The reason is that movies are all deceptive, it is clear that there are people in northern Myanmar who deceive Chinese, and people who play heroes, why not eliminate fraud gangs in northern Myanmar.

I personally really didn't understand the logic of this kind of online violence, I believe everyone has also found that the more emotional the scolding, the less logic is needed.

Are those people really patriotic?

Or will they really do something to actually help victims in northern Myanmar and punish fraud and crime?

What there is nothing is pure venting, venting for the sake of venting.

The reality is that whether we like it or not, this kind of inciting emotions, brainwashing and then counter-brainwashing and other things, the Internet is really overwhelming, the baby just doesn't want to see it, and will definitely see it in the future, for the "gender contradiction" in the real society, the baby will also see, and even experience.

As a parent, I have always had a view that "parents act as buffer zones for their children" for these things that have become flooded and cannot be avoided.

Writing "Barbie" today, my team and I are talking about it.

Sooner or later, my daughter will also know that this is a patriarchal society, so I need to tell her: this is a patriarchal society, so you have to fight desperately for your rights?

And the sons adopted by the friends, tell them: women are weak and need to be protected, you are a man You are a strong person, do you want to let women?

These are really two good questions, what do you all think?

To be honest, this question stumped me for a while, because I lived to be 39 years old, and it is impossible to say that I did not feel the disadvantages of women in the workplace and the burden of women in the family.

But deep down, I don't want my daughter to be a fighter at all, and the "more equal and friendly society" we want, this expectation can be realized by the model of "the big heroine fights to the end, either you die or I live", I express great doubts.

After thinking a lot, I finally got the answer:

I will tell my daughter that this is a patriarchal society in which men may live a little easier than women in many ways.

But it's not that men want the world to be like this.

It is determined by productivity, and men in agricultural societies do work more to produce products, so this situation is formed.

It has been formed for thousands of years, and then people found that we have advanced science and technology, and we do not need pure physical strength anymore, so we are slowly changing the structure of the patriarchal society.

If you want something in the world, work hard.

If it's a little harder because you're a woman, ask, do you really want to either, and if so, pay a little more to fight for it.

But we can work together, constructively, not just militarily, to create a world where women live equally, and invite more men to work together.

What about you? My dear cloud friends,

What kind of answer would you give to your daughter, your son?