When children are always required to learn "other people's children", they must first become "other people's parents"

Comparison, criticism, and fault finding fault are often thought by parents as a way to spur their children's growth. As everyone knows, the harm to the child is far greater than the promotion.

When we always ask our children to learn "other people's children", we ignore that the premise is that we must first become "other people's parents".

Author: Lizheng Mama, Senior Children's Emotional Intelligence Management Guidance Consultant of the Ministry of Human Resources and Social Security, Children's Reading Promoter of the Chinese Library Association. ........................................

Chinese children have a common imaginary enemy from an early age - other people's children.

This other people's child can be called "angel baby", since childhood, do not cry or make trouble, especially good to bring, talk early, walk fast, eat well, can memorize ancient poems at the age of three, can do oral arithmetic problems at the age of four, after going to school, the homework is A+, and the extracurricular piano and chess calligraphy and painting are all incomprehensible.

You don't need your parents to worry about it, you can be admitted to a first-class university, by the way, you can take a graduate school, read a Ph.D., and after graduation, you will be rushed to ask for it by a high-paying unit, and you can easily marry a Bai Fumei or marry a rich and handsome, and hurry up to give birth to a son and a daughter after marriage, so that the elders can't keep their mouths shut...

"You look at other people's children" is a mantra that parents have been on their lips since childhood, and it is also the most hated thing to hear in all children's childhood.

In the eyes of his parents, he is inferior.

Living in his shadow since childhood, in addition to looking up at his light, lamenting and lamenting, there are more full of grievances and unwillingness.

There's a kind of harm called "look at other people's kids."

In Hunan Satellite TV's "Youth Said" program, a girl once bravely stood on the stage and "accused" her mother, always comparing herself with her girlfriend Wu Di, who was "first in the class, first in the whole grade, and first in the league", which hurt her very much.

But even though the girl cried tearfully, her mother still didn't hesitate to find fault-

"I think your character needs some blows, otherwise you will be a little floating."

However, who would have thought that the girl's best friend Wu Di, the "other people's child" who everyone said would always be the first in the exam, would also be treated by parents at home with the same debasement.

When she stood on the rooftop, she shouted loudly, but she was disgusted with "all kinds of nos" - her mother always criticized her for failing sports, not being cheerful and generous enough, and thinking that she was not good enough.

And the girlfriend who was disliked in front actually reversed the plot and became what her mother called "someone else's child".

Criticism, comparison, and fault finding fault are often thought by parents as a way to spur their children's growth.

As everyone knows, the harm to the child is far greater than the promotion.

The child summoned up enough courage to shout out not only the voice of grievance, but also the humble voice of asking for mercy.

Compared with parents who only know how to condescendingly criticize their children, the frankness and rationality of this little girlfriend are much stronger than the parents who stand still.

The girl in front, in the face of her mother's step by step in the audience, she still expressed her demands very clearly - "Can you give me more encouragement and less blows." ”

She can understand her parents' painstaking efforts, but she also has the courage to express her own ideas. There is a warm, inclusive, strong and beautiful part of the character.

And the latter one, the girl's best friend, is also sincere and loving, understanding, not unsociable as her mother thinks.

When a friend is sad and painful, he will take the initiative to wipe away her tears and gently comfort her - "My mother always praises you, you are also my other people's children." ”

Will be in front of everyone, really praise -

"She's the kindest and boldest of all our girls, and I can't compare to her. She has a natural passion that infects all of our classmates and teachers..."

At the end of the video, the two look at each other and laugh, that sentence - "You are irreplaceable, right?" ”

It made people cry and embarrass their parents.

The simple and kind hearts of the two junior high school children broke through the shackles of "comparison" and awakened everyone on the scene to re-examine the definition of success with love.

Behind the parental love comparison is high expectations

"Since I had a child, I always wanted to give him the best things in the world." This is the most selfless but also the most demanding wish of every parent.

Because, often alone, the mentality of throwing in one's own investment hides unaware high expectations.

I gave everything for you, and naturally I hope that this dedication will be rewarded - you must grow up healthy, have excellent grades, be good at sports, and be able to do housework; Dignified atmosphere, noble conduct, filial piety to elders, good interpersonal relationships, but also have outstanding height, good appearance, and be well-rounded in the world.

This is the law of conservation of energy, but it is more human nature.

According to a survey by the China Youth Daily Social Survey Center Joint Questionnaire Network (wenjuan.com):

83.4% of the interviewed parents frankly said that they would envy the excellence of other people's children and would often compare their own children with other people's children.

The philosopher Martin Buber said: Once you see the other person as an object and a tool to achieve your goals. Well, no matter how great your goal may seem, you have done harm to that person.

When we look for a life partner, we will not ask our other half to be as rich as Bill Gates, as wise as Einstein, as athletic as Messi, and as good looking as Andy Lau. Because reason will tell us that it is the dragon and phoenix among people, and the probability is very small.

However, when we raise a child, we unconsciously hope that the child will be outstanding.

Yukun Zhao, a master's degree in psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, once attacked the "greed" of contemporary parents in the book "Self-Parenting: The Way of Parents in the Age of Anxiety".

"Someone else's child" is a fictional character like the dream lover, Prince Charming.

When you buy a car, you don't ask for the safety of a German car, the fuel efficiency of a Japanese car, the spaciousness of an American car, and finally the price of a domestic car.

But when it comes to children, it is reasonable to compare his grades with the top in learning today, his body with the top in sports tomorrow, and his emotions with the "good" children the day after tomorrow.

You know, except for "my children", all of this world are "other people's children".

This is equivalent to letting the child win the whole world alone. Is this fair? Can the child stand it?

Behind the comparison that cannot be put aside is vanity that cannot be hidden.

Even if some aspects are already excellent as "other people's children", they will still be compared, belittled, and blamed because of the obsessions in their parents' hearts.

Because parents want not just one aspect, but perfection in all aspects.

Soul Torture: Are you "someone else's parent"?

There is a good saying - you are always afraid that your child will lose at the starting line, but in fact, you are the child's starting line.

On Douyin, a video of a little girl refuting her father has received countless likes from netizens.

When Dad asked her angrily why she didn't study well - "Do you not have a pen, or do you not have a book?" ”

As a result, the little girl cried, wiping her tears with her sleeve while shouting out the soul reply - "I don't have a good father."

"Other children need the hard work and companionship of their parents to be so good, unlike their fathers who are half-hearted."

In the comment area, netizens praised "The little girl said what I didn't dare to say when I was a child."

There is a widely circulated "Parents Double Standard" essay on the Internet, the content is too real and the sense of picture is too strong, so that many parents are full of embarrassed smiles after reading it, and there is nowhere to stomp their feet.

Parents hold their mobile phones every day to watch dramas and play games, but ask their children to stay away from electronic nannies.

Parents can't touch the cover of a book once a year, but they ask their children to love reading and read a lot of books.

Parents are often flammable, irritable, irritable, and scold when they don't agree, but they require their children to be knowledgeable, humble and gentle.

Parents either collapse on the sofa or squat in the toilet at home on weekdays, but they require their children to jump rope, run, and exercise more every day.

Just as it is okay for parents to be reasonable, children are to talk back when they are reasonable. Children are required to be as good as "other people's children", but they cannot do the same dedication and example as "other people's parents".

"Only the governor is allowed to set fires, and the people are not allowed to light lamps." Such a double standard requirement, over time, will inevitably make the "words of parents" lose its authority and cause children to resent.

There is such a story: a mother was angry that her child's grades were not good, and she couldn't help but scold a "stupid bird".

The child said unconvinced: "There are three kinds of stupid birds in the world, one is to fly first, and the other is tired and does not fly." ”

Mom asked, "What about the third one?" ”

The child said: "This is the most annoying, you can't fly, just lay an egg in the nest, and ask the next generation to fly hard." ”

Writer Baldwin said: Children will never obediently listen to adults, but they will secretly imitate adults.

What children need is not the stimulation of "other people's children", but the guidance of "their own parents".

Parents are the mirror of your child, and what you want your child to look like, you have to be that role model first.

There are no perfect parents in this world, and there are no children with perfect scores.

Instead of blushing at "other people's children", it is better to become "other people's parents".

Instead of talking about the child with your mouth every day, it is better to use words and deeds to subtly lead the child.

Without comparison, there is no harm

Recognizing the drawbacks behind blind comparison and learning to motivate you is the panacea for children's growth.

Let's take a look at what exactly is the right thing to do on the parenting road.

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  Mistake: Conveying anxiety and bringing harm to the child's heart

Parents always try to compare "other people's children" with "their own children", hoping to make "their own children" shameful and courageous, but the effect is more that "their own children" will be inferior and retreat.

Under the long-term debasement, children also become anxious one by one, not because they are not good enough, but because they always have better children around them.

If a child's happiness is built on comparing with others, then the future of this little life will become difficult from then on. As soon as I opened my eyes, I thought that I was lagging behind, and my smile could no longer be bright.

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  Correct: Respect differences and compare others to yourself

Children are not products produced on the assembly line, and everyone's cognitive level, learning ability, personality differences, and talent preferences are different, which cannot be compared and are not comparable.

Parents should respect differences and let their children "compare themselves with themselves" and not "compare with others".

Compare your child's results this time with the last one, and compare your child's strengths and weaknesses. Compare his past to his present. See every progress of your child, give encouragement in time, and stimulate their self-confidence.

Every child has their own strengths, and homeopathy education is the most effective education.

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  Mistake: Don't label yourself to solidify your child's perception of themselves

Because the child is inferior to others in some aspects, it is easy to label the child as "useless", "timid", and "poor student", and hates the iron and hopes to use negative stimuli to stimulate the child's fighting spirit.

This kind of indisputable dissatisfaction due to anger, comparison in the name of love, and humiliation without swear words not only bring inner harm and frustration to children, but also easily make children lose confidence in themselves and feel that everything is inferior to others, resulting in inferiority and even self-defeat.

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  Correct: Children need encouragement, just as plants need water

The American scholar David Lewis wrote in "Forty Rules for Educating Children": "Never tell a child that he is worse than other children." ”

The purpose of education is for children to find themselves and become a better version of themselves, not to be the child that every parent envisions.

Children have their own path to growth, and parents do not need too much encouragement, but only provide care when he needs it, and give him timely assistance when he can't figure out the direction. Give him encouragement when he falls as a toddler; Give him advice when he has a problem.

What children need is the warm love of their parents, not the cynicism that has long been in the name of love.

Blind criticism will not bring forward momentum, more recognition and praise, will not make a person become stagnant, but will make people dare to face difficulties and face greater challenges.

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  Mistake: Blind vanity makes it easy for children to lose themselves.

Social psychologists say: "Comparison has two important functions in a person's psychological development: first, to know oneself; The second is to understand yourself. ”

Children who are frequently devalued are easy to beat themselves up, and children who are constantly praised are prone to blind vanity. Once you can't find your position, it's easy to lose yourself, either over-conceited, or too poor in pressure resistance, and can't accept setbacks.

"Unconditional Parenting" writes - "Children need to be loved because they are themselves." ”

What parents need to do is to accept their children unconditionally, not to blame for being backward, not to be proud of being ahead, so that children can maintain a calm and relaxed heart in the ups and downs of life.

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  True: Competition is possible, but incentives are good

In fact, we are not blindly opposed to competition, healthy competition can also bring beneficial growth to children. Participate in sports activities, summer camps, community activities, etc., so that children can participate in their peers and strive to complete every activity and task.

Encourage children to play to their strengths and improve with other people's children. Tell children that friends and opponents are not contradictory, and guide children from a positive perspective, "other people's children" can also be a magical existence that is also a teacher and friend, as well as an idol and a relative.

Provide care in his hour of need and provide him with timely assistance when he is unable to discern his direction. Give him encouragement when he falls as a toddler; Give him advice when he has a problem.

The care of spring breeze warmth is better than the cynicism and high-pressure strict management in the name of love.

Love, as He is, is not as you wish

Someone once asked - why do parents always say "other people's children", but rarely hear children say "other people's parents"?

One of the answers received high praise - because I felt sorry for them and didn't want them to be sad.

We often say, love children unconditionally. But in fact, the real unconditional love is precisely the love of children for their parents.

Seeing the imperfections of parents, still tolerant, still accepting, still loving.

Children can't bear to use "comparison" to hurt their parents, how can we bear to stab back?

True love should be—as He is, not as you wish.