The most suffocating parent I've ever met is that the child always owes them a debt
The relationship between us and our children is not a transaction, but an encounter of life.
If parents do not have a sense of sacrifice, children will not have a sense of indebtedness.
Author | Maple
Recently, I swiped a video with 2.46 million likes on the Internet, and I was full of emotion.
On the dinner table, a table was full of dishes, but my mother only ate shrimp heads.
The daughter picked up the shrimp meat and was about to put it in her mother's bowl, but her mother refused:
"I don't like that stuff, there isn't much in total, I'll just eat some shrimp heads."
The daughter is puzzled, isn't there a lot of more?
"Isn't that eating one piece less? Just leave everything good to you, and I'll eat some of your leftovers." ”
Seeing that her daughter was silent, her mother said again:
"Isn't it all for you, do I want to eat so well at home on my own? Can I buy shrimp..."
Just 1 minute, full of suffocation.
The comment area resonates even more.
"The meat, eggs, and milk on the table never touched it until the dish was hot one after another, and she ate it all by herself."
"For my mother-in-law's birthday, I specially ordered a large table of dishes, but she only took a steamed bun and dipped in vegetable soup to eat, and she couldn't stop it."
……
I can't help but think of a passage that Huang Zhizhong said:
The relationship in China is very strange, we have to sing a sentiment called "you want to sacrifice, he wants to repay the favor".
But in fact, parents kidnap their children with their sacrifices for a lifetime, leaving them to live forever in guilt.
This kind of education that makes children feel guilty through complaints, misery and even self-abuse and thus gain control is actually indebted education.
Children who grow up in this education model cannot escape the "sense of indebtedness" to their parents throughout their lives.
Not long ago, a video of a father educating his daughter went on the hot search.
In the video, Dad is naked, with a cigarette in his mouth, stepping on a stool with one foot, and saying bitterly:
"Dad slept only four hours in two days and ate only one meal a day;
Driving to the factory, after stopping the car, the air conditioner was reluctant to blow, and I could only run to someone else's warehouse to sleep for a short time, and then woke up hot.
Under the 36-degree heat, I am not willing to rest after heat stroke, I am afraid that you will be like me in the future. ”
The girl silently shed tears as she listened.
In the end, as her father wished, her daughter saw his sacrifice and sacrifice, but she also planted a seed of guilt in her heart: Daddy's hard work was all caused by me.
These parents who are keen on indebted education only want to exchange their efforts for their children's obedience, but they do not think about how painful it is for children living in guilt.
American psychologist David Hawkins has a 30-year study that found:
In the negative energy level, the last and most terrifying is "shame", followed by "guilt".
These two negative energies can seriously destroy a person's physical and mental health, and the damage far exceeds sadness, fear, and anger.
Children who are wrapped in guilt will habitually suppress themselves, full of self-blame, and have serious psychological internal friction.
Remember Song Qian in "Little Huanxi", she always emphasized with her daughter:
"You have been taking you alone since you were a child, I have to go to class during the day, prepare for class at night, and get up early to buy you vegetables and cook, take care of your living, is it easy for me?"
Every sentence was so heavy that Yingzi couldn't breathe.
In order to return her mother's "love", Eiko can only give up herself to cater to her mother and strive to become what she expects.
But in the end, it was too depressed to live, and Yingzi was eventually overwhelmed, depressed and chose to die.
Until the time of suicide, Eiko was still feeling guilty:
"I know it's not easy for you, and I don't deserve the love you give me."
"I'm sorry, it's that I didn't do your daughter, I didn't become what you want in your heart..."
When giving becomes a kind of "moral kidnapping", when love becomes a banner of "for your good", and when giving also becomes a means of control, parents' behavior and language will become stones that children cannot take away for a lifetime.
Not all sacrifices can be called love.
Indebted education consumes not only children, but also parent-child relationships.
A netizen on Zhihu shared his personal experience.
But whenever he failed the exam, his father would complain: "Are you so worthy of me and your mother getting up early for you?" You are even sorry for my gas bill. ”
He didn't want to listen to his parents' arrangement, so his father taught him bitterly: We are all for you.
What's more frightening is that when he makes a mistake, Dad will kneel down and ask him: What do you want from me?
He broke down and suffocated.
So whether it is college or work, he chooses a city far from home, and rarely returns home.
He bluntly said that he had no love for his parents, and some were just paying off debts.
His biggest wish is to quickly return the money spent by his parents to raise him as soon as possible, and the two will be cleared from now on.
Psychologist Li Xue said: If parents complain to their children that "I have paid my whole life for you", the implication is "I have never loved you in my life".
By selling their contributions to their children, parents are actually turning love into a "clearly priced" transaction.
Children who are forced to become "owers" either pay back all their lives or resent them all their lives.
The single mother Xiandele in the movie "I Killed My Mother" often chatters to her son Yu Bell about how hard and responsible she is.
At first, Yu Bell would feel guilty because he felt sorry for his mother.
But later, when his mother said more, he only felt irritable and even resentful.
Once, when the school conducted a home background check, he lied outright, "My mother has passed away." ”
It is really heart-wrenching that parents and children have come to such a situation.
Satya, an American therapist, said: There is no nourishment in self-sacrifice, there is expectation, pressure and burden. If I do not meet your expectations, what I take from you is no longer nutrition, but poison, which creates guilt, resentment, and even hatred.
A certain level of feeling indebted must evolve into anger.
I hate myself for being incompetent and unable to repay the favor, and I hate why the other party gave so much.
All the debts eventually turned into a gap between parents and children.
Yin Jianli said:
There is no guilt in true love, only ease. Do not deliberately exaggerate the bitter color of parents, do not use emotions to kidnap the child's self-will, do not use the sense of indebtedness as a weight, and force the child to obey himself.
Give your child the freedom to breathe, and both parties will feel at ease.
Before being a good parent, do yourself well and give your child a sense of value.
If parents put everything on their children and completely lose themselves, this is not only the kidnapping of the child, but also their own irresponsibility.
When Dong Qing first became a mother, her focus was on her children.
This also made her deeply anxious for a while, because she could not continue to pursue her own growth.
Fortunately, a friend told her that you don't have to sacrifice your career for the sake of your children, what kind of person you want your children to become, you just need to let yourself become that person first.
After that, she devoted herself to her work, and a few years later, she returned strongly with the hit variety show "Reader".
She said that I should try very hard to make myself better, so that when he really understands in the future, he will have love and respect for me, and he can learn some good qualities from me. The child is not a reason for me to stop, I want to grow up with him.
You see, smart parents never kidnap their children by making them feel indebted through self-sacrifice.
They will live as a ray of light, so that children can see that life can burn like this, can be so tenacious, can be so vibrant.
While they illuminate their own lives, they also illuminate the future of their children.
The premise of giving is that parents themselves should be happy and give their children a sense of relaxation.
After Yi Nengjing gave birth to her daughter millet grain, she temporarily withdrew from the entertainment industry, and some netizens commented: "This is a sacrifice that every mother has." ”
She immediately retorted: "Everything I did was willingly and did not sacrifice anything for my children." ”
"The child doesn't ask you to sacrifice anything, he wants you to be happy."
Yes, children actually want to see their parents happy, and when their parents are happy, children will be at ease.
So parents can be happy, relaxed, and don't have to prioritize their children's needs in everything.
If there is only one chicken leg on the table plate and parents want to eat it, they can eat it.
If you feel that watching your child eat is happier than eating it yourself, leave it to your child.
But don't force yourself not to eat chicken drumsticks, and then feel that you are really great and have given so much for your children.
If parents do not have a sense of sacrifice, children will not have a sense of indebtedness.
Parents and children are in a relaxed and comfortable state in order to establish a healthy and close parent-child relationship.
Liu Yu said in "May You Grow Up Slowly":
"It is the children who should be thanked for making their parents' lives more complete, letting their void have sustenance, and allowing them to experience the mystery and joy of the layers of life opening."
Accompanying children to grow up slowly and appreciate the changes in a life is a happiness in itself.
Parents, for whatever purpose, should not create a sense of indebtedness, let heavy love hold their children's hands and feet, and let them grow up in guilt and anxiety.
Give it a like, adjust your mentality, give your child unconditional love, and let the road of life be light.