A good intimate relationship can give us spiritual comfort and inspiration, and when we experience the wind and frost of real life, it can give our body and mind bubbles and soothe each other.
Especially in the chaotic and collisional moment, being able to have a stable and healing intimate relationship is no less than encountering a warm bonfire in the cold winter, so that we can still have hope for life.
The movie "The Kramers"
However, intimacy does not grow wildly, we need to irrigate it with sincerity, take care of its growth together, and carefully maintain and prune it, so that it can gradually become a towering tree standing in the wind and rain, and will not gradually dry up in negligence and indifference.
Long-term intimacy requires careful maintenance.
To maintain intimacy, we need some skills.
01
When conflicts arise, they are skillfully resolved
In intimate relationships, it is inevitable to encounter some stumbling things, there will always be some small frictions and small contradictions in the long-term companionship, how to resolve them skillfully, many times the test is our confidence in each other and relationships, and whether we have a comprehensive understanding of each other's values.
At the beginning of this year, a survey found that addiction to mobile phones and the Internet has become the main reason why many couples choose to divorce. It is undeniable that mobile phones and the Internet have occupied most of the adult time, and it is easy for us to neglect to communicate with our families, cause family disputes, or cause relationship alienation.
One wife shared her approach to her husband's love of playing games: "Every time he plays a game, I go over and kiss him. Gently remind him not to focus on the game, but also on me and other family members. With such gentle reminders, he listened very much and played games a lot less often. ”
That's a very smart approach. When the husband who is tired from work every day chooses to relax himself by playing games, neglecting the communication with his wife and children, and missing part of the family responsibilities, instead of arguing and crying about the irresponsibility of the husband, so that he is tired of the family, it is better to choose a gentle reminder, increase the opportunity for the husband to participate in the family, and jointly create a warm family atmosphere, let the husband assume his responsibilities in the family, and let the family become another way for him to relax and recharge.
After spending a long time together, we understand each other, understand each other's small problems, understand the way we express love with each other, and find a suitable way to get along, so when we have conflicts, we can also master the appropriate skills to solve them.
For example, when there are emotions between each other, knowing that talking at this time will affect the relationship, it is better to avoid it first and give each other time to reflect calmly;
Sometimes when there is a dispute, it is clear that compared to direct and clear opposition, hard will only make each other lose, then use a gentle, weak way to express their opinions, and use soft tactics to deal with it, will not hurt feelings, and can achieve the desired effect.
02
Develop good "emotional maintenance habits"
Research by Dainton and Aylor (2002) found that when people deliberately make some actions to maintain a relationship, the other person is easily perceived. They categorized relationship maintenance behaviors into two categories: "strategic" and "routine."
Studies have shown that those strategic behaviors do not achieve the effect of maintaining the relationship well, and are easily detected by the other party.
Once the other party perceives that these behaviors are intentional and purposeful, the other party will keep a distance or even be vigilant about these behaviors without emotional response.
And if you make the positive behavior of maintaining relationships a small habit of your daily routine, the results will be different. For example, habitually affirming the other person; Treat the time spent with the two positively; Share your life, socialize with each other...
Many times, what can make the feelings deep and affectionate is not what we do to move people's hearts, but those small actions that flow little by little.
03
Always retain the willingness and possibility of communication
Good communication is the guarantee of true love's lasting life. Preserving the willingness and possibility to communicate is always the only way to let the relationship survive the conflict.
My friend Little G and her boyfriend have been dating since high school for almost 7 years. They usually don't say they don't quarrel, and a few times I saw the two of them arguing so red that they almost made a move; But none of this seems to have had an irreparable impact on their relationship.
Little G told me that they made a three-chapter about quarrelling:
First, no matter how fierce the quarrel is, you can't say break up and block each other's contact information;
Second, they set up a small group of two people, in the group to archive the quarrel matters, no matter who is right or wrong, after the quarrel, each of them recorded the matter and sent it to the group;
Third, read the file and communicate your feelings honestly and sincerely, but right or wrong.
Two people have been together for a long time, there will be a lot of trivial matters that cause disputes, and it is inevitable that there will be contradictions and estrangements, but in any case, do not give up communication, such as Xiao G, they insist on not blocking each other, leaving each other the opportunity to express their apologies, but also leaving a chance for the relationship to redeem.
And when the emotions calm, being willing to reflect and do more active listening to each other naturally heals the harm caused by the conflict.
After the dispute, both people are the people they love each other the most, and they will not cold war, but take the initiative to express their feelings and make each other feel. Don't let each other's hearts go further and further because of quarrels, you know, the more you care, the less likely you will break up.
04
Pay attention to small clues in the relationship
When we have a good relationship and deep feelings, we naturally have maximum tolerance and understanding for each other. Sometimes the other party's small mistakes, some of their own small negligence, even if there are some small emotions at the time, they can also be forgiven.
But this tolerance is not an inexhaustible source of water, and many times, it is easy for us to feel that the matter is over because we have achieved each other's understanding. In fact, this is consuming this tolerance, leaving a rift in the intimate relationship, only taking without making up, and it is easy to dry up if you are not careful.
Therefore, in an intimate relationship, we should face each other's emotions, face up to the clues in the relationship, and "repair" in time before the real rift appears.
How to let the living water of intimate relationships continue to nourish life is a compulsory course for each of us in relationships, and it is also the ability of love that we need to improve.
If you find it difficult to maintain long-term intimate relationships, or are prone to dangerous relationships, you may wish to try psychological counseling, explore your inner world with professional counselors, see your inner relationship model, improve your lover's ability, and write your own new relationship script.
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