There are a thousand kinds of people, there are all kinds of things in the world, everyone's personality, values, and thinking patterns are different, and the way husband and wife get along will be different, and a hundred couples have a hundred ways to get along.
The reason why husband and wife become husband and wife is mostly because of love, and then love or increase or decrease in getting along, love but not can, they will hate and resent.
Experts in this issue: Guangzhou heard about it, director of the psychological counseling center - Fei Rin
Fei Rin
Guangzhou heard about it, psychological counseling director, psychological counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Senior Marriage Counselor
Family education instructor
・I heard about it, specially invited medical psychological consultant
Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Chief physician and psychological consultant of the Department of General Surgery of a large tertiary hospital in Guangdong Province
(PS: In this case, the written authorization and consent of the parties have been obtained, and their personal information has been technically processed)
Mr. Chen and his wife have been married for more than ten years, and the two quarreled over traveling during the National Day, and they each had their own grievances in their hearts.
Originally, Mr. and Mrs. had already discussed with the woman's relatives early on, and went to play with the woman's family during the holidays. However, the wife's unit suddenly issued a notice that she was not allowed to go out during the holiday, and the wife forwarded the notice to her husband. Mr. Chen thought that since his wife could not go far, he had to cancel the original plan and arrange a group with a few friends to go to another place on his own.
The day before the holiday, Mrs. Chen learned that the notice from the employer was not absolutely forbidden to go out, so she was happy to inform her husband. When Mr. Chen heard that the situation had changed again, he felt a little embarrassed in his heart, saying that since he had promised his friend, it was inconvenient to change.
The wife was a little disappointed, saying that if the agreement with relatives was temporarily canceled, it would be very unpleasant and affect the relationship between the two families.
Mr. felt that he was being questioned and began to get angry, "It's not all because of the notice of your unit!" ”
The wife was also very upset, and said: "The notice shown to you before did not clearly say that you can't go, it was your misunderstanding that caused the consequences now!" ”
The more Mr. listened, the more angry he became, how did he become his own? "Just don't go anywhere!"
The more the two quarreled, the stiffer they became, and even moved their hands.
analyse
Understand how conflicts escalate and intensify
During the consultation, I learned that the quarrel between Mr. and Mrs. Chen was actually a normal mode of getting along between the two, and in the eyes of others, it seemed that it could be solved through communication and negotiation, but when it came to them, the contradiction was intensified step by step, resulting in a big quarrel.
▎ Let's first analyze why the wife forwarded the holiday notice of the unit directly to the husband.
When I first received the notice, my wife was not sure if she could go out, so she sent the notice to my husband, hoping that he would get an idea. Behind his behavior is to want the other party to bear all the responsibility, in case of a mistake, it is the fault of the other party.
In addition, when the husband plans to go out alone with friends, the wife's heart is actually very uncomfortable, she hopes that the husband can spend more time with herself, avoid staying at home alone, plagued by loneliness, emptiness, fear and helplessness, but embarrassed to say things to hinder it.
When she found that the unit allowed her to go out, her wife was very happy, but at the same time she was afraid of being denied and ignored and did not dare to say anything, hoping that her husband could understand and follow her wishes and change her mind on her own.
Faced with the changes in his wife, he felt troubled and could not agree. The wife felt that she was rejected and denied, and continued to exert pressure step by step, which would lead to the consequences of relatives having purchased bus tickets, family discord, and misunderstanding of the responsibility of the unit's notice were all pushed onto the husband, and said that she did not agree to the husband going out alone with friends...
The reasons for the opposition were constantly raised, and it became "All the fault is yours, it is your selfishness and incompetence that caused the current dilemma, and I have no responsibility at all." ”
At this time, the husband became more and more angry, feeling that he was aggrieved, doing everything wrong, feeling at the mercy of being manipulated, and not being respected at all, so his heart was very angry, and his emotions became more and more out of control.
unscramble
Behind the quarrel is the "call of love"
In the consultation, by understanding the growth background of both parties, I better understand why the husband and wife interact in this way.
Mr. Chen is the eldest in the family, smart but naughty when he was young, often reprimanded and beaten by his father without asking for reasons, this feeling of being wronged and being blamed for no reason makes him very uncomfortable, and his heart is very repulsive, when he is "unfairly treated" in the future, when others always let themselves take responsibility, it will be particularly easy to stimulate his defenses, and the experience of being wronged and punished as a child will reappear, so "hysterical" anger will erupt.
Mrs. Chen is the fourth oldest, with three older sisters and one younger brother below, who are often neglected and unwelcome at home. Since she was a child, the wife has done a particularly good job in front of others, almost perfect, a good girl in the eyes of her parents, and a good child in the mouths of relatives and friends, so as to obtain love and praise; Although she is a little dissatisfied with her parents in her heart, she cares especially about the opinions of her parents and relatives, and has always tried to be more generous and polite than her sisters.
But in the relationship with the husband, there are often some very low-level problems, such as being late, procrastinating and other small problems, like a child who has not grown up, will do something uncomfortable to attract attention, to test the other party "Do you really love me?" ”
Moreover, she likes to rely on her husband, push the problem and responsibility to the other party, maintain her own perfection, and at the same time often attract attention by provoking the other party, constantly testing whether the other party can really tolerate and love herself indefinitely.
These subconscious behaviors often make the people around them unconsciously troubled by various pressures, constantly provoked, until they cannot control their anger, and at this time, the husband becomes an emotionally changeable "abuser", and the wife is a "good person without fault" and "poor victim".
In this incident, there is no absolute right or wrong, and both husband and wife hope to be understood and understood by each other, and hope to feel loved and valued.
The quarrel between the two expresses a strong need for concern behind it, which is a "call to love".
The so-called "seeing is love", if the husband can see her vulnerability, loneliness and dependence from his wife's words and deeds, understand her need to be pampered and valued, if the wife can see clearly that her husband is afraid of being wronged, and understand his desire to be treated fairly and fully respected, the way the two communicate will change, and the fight will not start.
postscript
Improve psychological maturity and achieve a good marriage
Because the two have formed a relatively inherent attachment pattern in their long-term marriage life, on the one hand, they hate and quarrel and want to improve, and on the other hand, they are "painful and happy" in this "sadistic-masochistic" relationship, continuing to use the original interaction mode.
When they see the nature of the relationship between the two parties more clearly and realize their problems, they hope to adjust themselves through psychological growth, change the mode of getting along in intimate relationships, and make the quality of marriage higher.
After a period of more in-depth psychoanalytic psychological counseling, the two began to explore and understand their subconscious, see the immature "child" in their hearts that calls for love, and constantly practice detecting their emotions before each fuse "detonates", interpreting each other's hearts in time, seeing each other's needs, understanding each other, and communicating effectively.
Therefore, now when the two have conflicts, they have been able to control their emotions better, the frequency of quarrels has been greatly reduced, physical conflicts have basically not occurred again, and it is easy to reconcile afterwards. Watching the progress of their couple, the warming of their relationship, and the growing beauty of their married life, I am sincerely happy for them!