The Supreme People's Court released a special report on the judicial big data of divorce disputes nationwide, showing that 2 to 7 years after marriage has become a period of high incidence of marriage breakdown, the "seven-year itch" has quietly become "three-year suspicion", the divorce rate in the mainland has increased for more than ten consecutive years, and the post-80s generation has become the main force of divorce.
Some people believe that the high divorce rate is a reflection of social progress and reflects people's increased requirements for the quality of marriage. Fei Rin, a marriage counselor, believes that "unhappy families are actually similar to each other, while happy families are different." ”
Many unhappy marriages will have common problems such as husband and wife getting along with each other, poor communication, quarrels and violence, partner cheating, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law discord, family conflicts, and disharmony in the couple's sex life.
However, many times, divorce does not solve the problem at all, but creates more problems.
Based on years of experience in marriage and family counseling, Mr. Fei Rin, the chief counselor of Guangzhou heard about it, summarized the 5 facts we need to recognize about divorce in order to make the most beneficial decision in our lives.
Fei Rin
Guangzhou heard about it, psychological counseling director, psychological counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Senior Marriage Counselor
Family education instructor
・I heard about it, specially invited medical psychological consultant
Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Chief physician and psychological consultant of the Department of General Surgery of a large tertiary hospital in Guangdong Province
①
There is no marriage in the world that is free of problems
When you think about divorce and file for divorce, you must feel that the current marriage is not what you want, and the marriage problems you are encountering now cannot be solved. But in fact, in this world, there is no marriage without problems.
You can ask your parents or married friends, "Have you ever thought about divorce?" You can also ask marriage and family specialists how many problematic marriage families they receive in a year, and how many people have thought about divorce.
There is a saying in the "Law of Happy Marriage": "In this world, even the happiest marriage will have 200 thoughts of divorce and 50 thoughts of strangling each other in a lifetime." ”
So, it's normal to have thoughts of divorce, and it's normal to have a problematic marriage.
②
Divorce is not the only solution to the problem
Everyone does not want their body to get sick, so they should take good care of their body, actively exercise, and enhance immunity.
However, even if we are careful, there will still be some minor illnesses and pains from time to time, although these diseases make us painful and uncomfortable, but after the disease is cured, it improves our immunity.
The same is true of marriage, where problems of one kind or another occur at every stage. A happy marriage is not a marriage without problems, but a marriage that is good at solving problems.
There are no problems in marriage that cannot be solved. Some people say that they have a bad personality with their partner, often quarrel, are very painful, and want to divorce. Then, since you know that there are differences in the personalities of two people and communication is very hard, then you must first accept this reality, do not expect to change each other or force the other party to be like yourself; Secondly, we must manage the marriage more attentively, adjust the way of communication, be more patient when communicating, and understand each other's thoughts and feelings more.
Many marriage problems become problems because couples do not face the problem head-on, but adopt coping methods such as evasion and shirking responsibility, or often use divorce as a weapon to threaten, this way of venting anger not only cannot solve the problem, but also hurts people and hurts feelings.
Every solution to marriage problems is a painful process of growth, but it improves our marriage management ability and makes the marriage more stable and strong.
③
Reflecting on your own problems avoids repeating the mistakes of the past
Just like with work, we often have burnouts, thinking that if we change jobs, we will have a different life.
But in fact, every job has bittersweet and bittersweet, there are unsuitable places, people who are not good at solving problems, no matter what kind of job and how many jobs they change, can not achieve higher achievements. And if you treat marriage with such a rash attitude, it is even more dangerous.
Therefore, before divorcing, it is important to ask yourself whether it is your own reasons or the problems of the parties to the marriage.
You need to reflect, do you not love this person anymore, or do you not love married life at all?
If you are not satisfied with your marriage, does the other person feel the same way? Is the fault really all on the other side?
If you change your way and attitude towards each other, will you be able to avoid unnecessary arguments? If you change your attitude in life, can you avoid the end of divorce?
Otherwise, if you start another marriage in the same way, will you be able to reap happiness?
Is there anything else that makes you nostalgic about this marriage? Would you really rather start your life over than save it?
Only by finding the cause of the problem from yourself can you grow from a marriage.
④
Assuming a "divorce" decree, you are more able to think calmly
Maybe you have been arguing for many years, you don't want to argue anymore, you want to divorce; Maybe he cheated, you can't accept it, and you want to divorce; Maybe you have an affair, you feel that your new love is better than your old love, and you want to divorce...
However, can divorce really make you happier? This is a further question that you need to seriously think about.
Divorce may punish the guilty party, but it does not make the innocent party better off.
Here's a little trick to life – "hypothetical divorce", that is, trying to live a real person's life, but traveling alone, going out alone for a few days, and reflecting on whether the problems of marriage are caused by two people living together, when you become a person, the answer is easy to highlight.
For example, your reason for divorce is dissatisfaction with the complete loss of self in married life, and when you are alone, you find that you are just sleeping and doing nothing, you should learn to reflect, maybe the responsibility lies more in your attitude to life.
It should be noted that you cannot seriously overspend and call friends, otherwise you will have the illusion that a person's life will be very happy.
⑤
Divorce can be reduced by properly handled
Impact on children and families
Divorce is the dissolution of a multi-year marriage relationship between two people, which will definitely affect the families and friends of both parties, especially children, and consider how to minimize the damage.
Children are the bond of marriage, but maintaining a loveless marriage that "exists in name only" for the sake of children is certainly a tragedy of life, and if it is properly handled, it is better for children to grow up in a loving single-parent family than to live in a family full of violence, accusations, and seemingly intact.
Therefore, when you decide to divorce, you need to prepare for the worst, start thinking about child support, family property, family comfort, etc., and properly handle the relationship between all parties.
Teacher Fei Rin concluded
Whether the husband and wife have a healthy psychological condition, whether the husband and wife can accept each other, and whether they master the way of running a marriage are the three key elements of a happy marriage, and one is indispensable.
Any crisis in marriage requires the joint efforts of both parties to solve it, and while pursuing freedom and beauty, we should also adhere to the factors of inclusion, responsibility, communication, understanding and other factors in the marriage relationship.
If you feel that there is a problem in your marriage, in addition to self-reflection, you may wish to use the professional guidance of a psychological counselor to obtain the secret of personal growth and marriage preservation management.
END
▎This article is an original article by Mr. Fei Rin of the Center, please indicate the source when reprinting, and the company reserves the right to pursue users without permission.
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