In the eight years that my mother cheated on, I was forced to grow up in betrayal
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In the eyes of many parents, emotional and marriage problems do not seem to be topics that children should participate in and understand too early, and even when there is a rift in the relationship, in order to protect the innocence of children, many adults are not willing to talk to them about related content, and some parents will even choose to maintain the calm on the surface of the family and hide part of the truth.
Just like in the 620th episode of Story FM "Confessions of a Cheating Addicted Husband", even if he and his wife have no feelings at all, the protagonist Luanyu did not choose to divorce, one of the reasons is that he feels that their children cannot understand the complexity of marriage and parents' choices at this stage, and he wants his children to grow up well.
But will children living in the cracks of marriage really be unaware of the facts? What kind of childhood and youth will they experience, and what expectations do they have for their parents?
Today's narrator, Xiaoyu, has been a careful and sensitive girl since she was a child, which has made her bear a heavy secret of her mother since she was a teenager.
-1-
Happy childhood
My name is Xiaoyu, I'm about to be a senior, and my home is in Jiangsu.
My dad used to study mechanical engineering and was always helping other people's companies on projects, and my mom was a salesperson.
They met on a blind date. Dad had gone on blind dates many times, maybe a dozen or twenty times, before he met his mother, because he felt that he would never meet the type he wanted. He is a bit macho and wants his partner to take care of the children and do more for the family, so that he can feel comfortable working outside. My mother is a typical good wife and mother, she is very willing to give for the family, and my mother was also beautiful when she was young, so my father took a fancy to my mother at first sight.
My mom was on a blind date for the first time, and she felt that my dad looked very down-to-earth and honest, and he was also very responsible in the process of getting along later. And just like that, the two of them were together.
I am an only child, my father is always a child, he was 37 when he gave birth to me, and my mother was only 24 years old, so my father would be very nice to me when he was a child, a little doting.
My mom has always been meticulous. Because Mom is a salesman, she needs to run a lot of stores. I remember that she would go to work immediately after dropping me off at school at 8 a.m. every morning. After school, my mother put me in the childcare class, and when it was after work, it might already be seven or eight o'clock in the evening, she took me home again, and then immediately went to cook and do some housework. Her day would be full, but she never mentioned that she was tired.
When we were young, our family used to go out together once a week, going to the park or playground. Our life at that time was actually relatively rich, and the two of them would still be very affectionate in front of me, would hold hands and hug in front of me, and I would feel very happy at that time.
■ Photo / TV series "The Sea of Stars"
However, this kind of happy family life, which seems to last forever, has only lasted for more than a decade.
When I was about to graduate from elementary school, a fierce argument made me realize that the relationship between my parents did not seem to be as harmonious as it seemed, and it was after that argument that the whole family atmosphere changed a lot.
-2-
A fierce quarrel
In fact, my dad often shows insecurity, and I think this may be partly because my mom is much younger and then beautiful.
For example, my mother would have a team building in the company at that time, and would go out for three to six days to travel, and my father would call my mother every day to ask when she would come back and ask if she could end the event earlier.
When I was in the sixth grade, something happened to me very frightened at a very ordinary dinner in the evening.
My mom is a saleswoman and gets calls from all kinds of people every day, both men and women. That night my mom received frequent calls from men. She didn't answer the phone behind our backs, and the chat content was also sales, and keywords such as "sales", "sales" and "shelf" would be said on the phone, and I could be sure that she and the object of the call were the working relationship.
I don't know what my dad was thinking, he slammed his chopsticks heavily on the table and said fiercely, "Don't answer the phone again!"
My mom explained to him, "It's a call at work, and I have something to report." But my dad wasn't convinced, and he said, "Show me your phone."
And my mom kept explaining, she thought it had already been explained, my dad didn't trust her very much, so she didn't want to show my dad the phone.
My father didn't eat at that time, and directly dropped the bowl on the floor, including the table, chairs, and daily necessities in the house, and then he started scolding my mother.
That time was the first time the two of them had quarreled with such a big fire. I was so scared that I didn't know what to do and could only cry all the time. My mom just hugged me and cried with me.
After this incident, Dad confiscated his mother's mobile phone for three whole days, without letting her touch any calls and text messages. During those three days, my mother was a little devastated, she felt that her father's behavior made her unable to live a normal life, and her work could not be completed. Later, my mother also left the company at that time.
After that quarrel, the relationship between mom and dad changed a lot, and in my later impression, they would frequently stir and quarrel, and even for up to half a month without talking to each other. My mother put more thought into taking care of me, sometimes even deliberately neglecting my father, and my parents' work became busier.
Although I am a child, as a member of the family, I live with my parents every day, and I can feel the change in the family atmosphere the most.
-3-
Strange uncle
When I was in the first year of junior high school, school was about to start, and I needed to go to school to report after my mother and I traveled. As soon as she got off the plane, she suddenly told me that an uncle was coming to pick us up.
Mom said, "This uncle is very good and very important."
Because my mother changed jobs at that time, it was also related to sales, which was equivalent to setting up her own company, and this uncle was a good investor in her work.
That day in the underground garage of the airport, I met the uncle for the first time. I feel that he is a little older, and his hair is a little gray, but the whole person's spirit is very good. He dressed modestly, but I knew he was rich because he drove a really good car, a Mercedes. Apart from that, I didn't know anything about him, who he really was, what kind of person he was.
My mother urged me to call him Uncle, and I called him politely, and then he called me by my nickname, smiled at me, very friendly and enthusiastic, and he said to me, "Go, I'll take you to school this afternoon."
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
The junior high school I attended at the time was a boarding system, and I had a lot to take. My mother and my uncle took me to school together, and after entering the class, my uncle and my mother helped me make my bed. My uncle said to me, "If you need help with your studies, just tell me that I am friends with your mother and we have a good relationship."
My first impression of my uncle at that time was very good, and I was very impressed with him.
But I didn't see him again for a long time.
After changing jobs, my mom went out more often. In the evenings, my mother would often tell me, "You finish your homework at home by yourself and go out and eat a little."
I casually asked, "Who are you going out to eat with?"
She said, "It's the uncle you saw last time."
I didn't really care, I really wanted her to give me that space to be alone, but I observed that she did like to dress up more than before.
-4-
Mom's secret
When I was in the second year of junior high school, I had a summer vacation, because I didn't have a mobile phone yet, my mother would give me my mobile phone every day to entertain, it was after 5 p.m., my mother was doing housework, I usually flipped through her mobile phone and turned to the photo that I still can't forget.
The picture was indecent, my mother was shirtless and undressed, and behind my mother was an uncle, who was supposed to be sitting on the edge of the bed, as if smoking.
I was stunned, I felt that this photo made me sick, and I shouldn't have seen this photo, and I immediately exited the album.
Next, I had a very, very confused feeling that I didn't know what kind of situation it was. Even at that moment, I felt that my mother and I became far away, and I didn't know how to get along with her next.
When I flipped through her phone later, I found that the photos were all gone, including all the chat and call records.
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
Every day when my dad came back from work, I would come out and call him dad, which was a habit I developed. But I stayed in the room that night, and I didn't come out and call him, nor did I have much communication with him. I knew it was a bad thing, and I was afraid that Dad would know about it. I was nervous, because from the way he was angry before, I didn't know what kind of aggressive behavior he would do when he found out.
After that night, my mother volunteered to ask if I wanted to go to dinner with her, and I asked her, "Are you going to eat with my uncle?"
She hesitantly replied, "Yes."
I resisted, wanted to avoid the matter, and didn't want to see the uncle, so I refused. Although my uncle's first impression was good. But after that photo, the impression of him in my mind was completely subverted, no longer the kind and friendly elder, and I felt that I needed to get to know him again.
The secret is a little too heavy, and I really want to find out why my mother did this, and I hope that my mother can take the initiative to talk to me about it. But Mom didn't seem to have any intention of telling me. There were so many things I didn't understand, but I knew that if I wanted to keep the family together, I had to hide this secret for my mother.
What pains me the most is not hiding this secret in the conversation, but that I have to face it alone and bear the guilt that this secret brings alone.
My personality has changed a lot, my temper has become very bad and agitated, and I don't know how to think about the relationship between my parents. They also think I've changed, but they don't know that my personality has changed out of anxiety about the whole family.
I am afraid of their divorce, so I will be very sensitive to their quarrels and will be more concerned about their emotions, and I want their cracks to stop growing, so I often play the role of peacemaker.
My grandfather's family has a rule that every year on Qingming Day, the whole family will go back to worship the ancestors. But that time, because she had something to do, my mother told my father that she couldn't go this time. Dad was very emotionally swinging at that time, and said a lot of ugly things, he said, "This kind of things handed down by the older generation, how can you say that if you don't go, you won't go."
Mom said, "You are like this every time, and if others are not willing to obey your wishes, you will lose your temper."
I started persuading my mother to go back to my grandfather's house with me, not wanting them to argue anymore. But my mother was very insistent, she just didn't want to go back, she had her own arrangements. They quarreled fiercely because of this, and my mother ignored my father in a cold and violent way.
As a child, doing everything probably won't help, I don't understand why their relationship turned out the way it is, what the root cause of their fights is, and my mother didn't talk to me in depth.
I don't know if Dad knew about the relationship between Mom and Uncle, Mom was very careful. Dad spends most of his time at work, and Mom will be home before Dad leaves work. Mom avoids Dad when she answers her uncle's phone. Sometimes my uncle would call out of nowhere, and Dad didn't ask too much. From my father's personality, if he knew about it, he shouldn't be in this very calm state. So I'm guessing he didn't know.
At that time, I was in an important stage of junior high school. The pressure of family and study made me often argue with my mother during my adolescence.
Because of the decline in grades, my mother did not want me to use her mobile phone anymore, and I told her that my decline in grades was not necessarily caused by playing with my mobile phone, but my mother just wouldn't let me. At that time, I was angry and aggrieved.
I said to my mother, "You don't let me use my phone, is there some other reason?" Is it because there's something in my phone that I don't want me to see?"
Mom said, "What can I do, I have nothing to hide from you."
After that, my mother turned and left.
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
I felt very uncomfortable, I felt that my mother had done something bad to hide from me, that she was one of the parties that caused a rift in our whole family, and she was reluctant to explain it to me, so I wanted to use my methods to provoke her to respond positively to me.
Once I wanted to go out with my classmates and relax, but my mother wouldn't let me. I used this quarrel to provoke her to tell her about my uncle, and I said, "Don't think I don't know what you're doing outside."
My mother was angry and slapped me several times. I hit her back with my hand. Then I lay on the ground and cried loudly. I saw my mom cry too, and that was the first time I saw her cry in front of me, but I didn't care too much because I kind of hated mom. At that time, I thought, "Dad is not very wrong, he is not abusive, he is loyal to the family, there is no problem of principle, but you have to make mistakes." You have done something wrong, but you still have to use the attitude of a parent to educate me about my mistakes, and you are not qualified to educate me."
Afterwards, we didn't speak for three days, and as usual, we never seriously sat down to communicate properly. In fact, if my mother was willing to open up to me, I would still be willing to listen, and I also want to know why she had such a choice at that time.
But whenever I asked her, one of my most memorable replies was, "You're still young, and you'll understand when you grow up."
She prevaricated me with such high-sounding words, not understanding the hurt she had done to me by invading me in this complicated relationship. Even, if Dad and Mom talk to each other, it will make me feel a little relieved, which will be much better than letting me bear the pain caused by this incident alone.
I remember once arguing with my dad over grades, and he made me feel a little pitiful, even a little ridiculous when he educated me. I thought, "You don't even know what your wife is doing outside, but you're here to educate me."
I was in a state of nervous breakdown at that time, a little hate, but more grievances. I locked myself alone in the room, cutting my left index finger with a paper cutter, which had many wounds.
But my mom and dad saw it later and didn't ask me.
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
-5-
Uncle who slowly integrated into my life
Although her mother cheated on her, she still spends a lot of time taking care of the family, and even takes more care of her father than before. However, after knowing my mother's secret, these performances made me feel more uncomfortable, and I think that my mother probably did this to better cover up the bad things she did outside.
After I provoked my mother to say cheating again and again, my mother seemed to realize that I had sensed something, but she still did not choose to confess her thoughts to me, but chose to let the uncle slowly integrate into the life of our mother and daughter, putting me in a more uncomfortable position.
Before I was going to take the high school entrance exam, my uncle once called my mother, and my mother asked me to pick it up. On the phone, my uncle said to me, "You will soon be admitted to the exam, as an uncle, I invite you out for a meal to relieve the pressure of your high school entrance examination."
In fact, I resisted in my heart, but he told me that this time my mother's old colleagues would come, they were uncles and aunts I had known since I was a child, so out of politeness, I went to the dinner party.
On the day of the meal, my uncle still smiled and asked me, "It's about to take the middle school exam, are you nervous, is there anything you need my help with?"
But I didn't have the good feeling I had for him anymore, and I didn't want to communicate with him, but I responded to him very perfunctorily. Spending time with my uncle made me wonder how to face my dad.
At dinner that day, my mother naturally sat next to my uncle, and I sat next to my mother and saw my mother and uncle communicating naturally and intimately. This image confuses me, as if he is a couple.
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
My mother didn't explain anything to me, but very abruptly brought this strange uncle to me, forced all the information to me with actions, and did not consider whether I could accept it all.
That meal made me a little awkward, so after eating, I went to the entertainment venue next to me alone.
But after that meeting, my mom started telling me things about my uncle, and she wouldn't avoid me anymore by phone calls and texts. But she still hasn't told me what her relationship with her uncle is.
My mom was 40 at the time, and she told me my uncle was 62.
She told me that my uncle's enterprise was very large, and the factory covered several acres. And my uncle had connections with many government officials in our area and helped my mom a lot with her work.
I knew from a young age that my dad and mom's money was managed separately. Dad is responsible for my tuition and my mom is responsible for my living expenses and the extra costs of studying, and the two of them are equal to my expenses.
My mother would tell me that my uncle often gave her some money to spend on my studies and life, in order to relieve my mother of some burdens. She said, "Look how good Uncle is to us, your father never offered me money."
I never heard from my mother that my uncle was bad, maybe he was really good to her.
After my uncle transferred money to my mother, my mother wanted me to come forward and say thank you to my uncle every time, and wanted me to communicate more with my uncle, but I didn't like to send those words. I usually tell my mother that I have something busy at hand and don't want to send WeChat. But my mother would always send words of thanks to my uncle in my voice, which made my uncle mistakenly think that I was close to him.
But in fact, I have also turned down many times my mother's offer to let me eat with my uncle, on the one hand, I don't like my mother letting me get closer and closer to my uncle without explanation, without considering my feelings, and making me face the harsh reality. On the other hand, helping my mother hide secrets made me feel guilty about my father, so I kept an appropriate distance from my uncle in junior high school.
But when I was in high school, my dad and I had a huge disagreement about choosing a major, which led to our father-daughter relationship getting further and further apart. It was also at this time that I felt the goodness of my uncle more directly, and I had more entanglements in my heart.
-6-
Uncle, probably a nice guy indeed
The high school I went to was just an ordinary four-star high school, and judging by my grades, it was difficult to pass the cultural exam to get into university, so after considering my interests and abilities, I made a decision - to take the art test.
In fact, I made the decision after a long time of thinking, but this decision was strongly opposed by my father, who thought that I was just a child, and did not think about things as thoughtfully as him, and he thought that I should take the road of cultural examination.
Because of this, we had a fierce argument. I remember very well that I said to him, "I don't want you to be my dad."
Later, I did not listen to my father's advice, and made my own choice. During that time, my father was very opinionated on me, and he felt that I did not listen to his arrangement.
And my mom thinks she's going to support me as long as I can stick to my choices, and she thinks it's good that I have my own ideas.
In high school, art students need to go out for intensive training. At that time, I already had a mobile phone, and one day I received a strange friend application, and I passed, and the first thing that the person said to me was, "Xiaoyu, I'm Uncle."
I was angry and went directly to my mother, "Why did you give him my WeChat casually?" My mother said, "Uncle also cares about you, you are doing art training outside alone, and he wants to ask you about your situation."
After adding WeChat, one day my uncle suddenly transferred me 2,000 yuan and said to me, "How are you training?" Did you eat well? How's your sleep? This 2,000 yuan is for you, you go and buy something delicious yourself, don't make yourself so hard."
At that time, I was really in a very expensive stage, my father was not very supportive of me, so he controlled my financial expenses very strictly, and I didn't want to ask him for financial support, but what my father didn't understand was that art training required a lot of money, and those painting materials needed to be bought by themselves.
After asking my mother, I took his money. This money has really helped me a lot. During my training period, he transferred money to me three times, each time it was 2,000 yuan.
I didn't want to continue living in the third year of high school, living in school was very stressful, and I had to follow the school's schedule, but my home was very far from high school, and it was very delayed to go back and forth, so I wanted my mother to rent a house to accompany me, but my mother refused, because she felt that I would live more regularly at school.
When the uncle found out, he said to his mother, "You go rent a house, and I'll pay for it." But Mom still refused. In order to comfort me, my uncle began to transfer money to me again, wanting me to work hard in this last period and buy anything I needed. He will not turn a lot every time, just a little more during the Spring Festival, and will transfer 5,000 yuan.
When I was about to take the college entrance examination, I suddenly had a fever continuously, and after my uncle learned about the situation, he drove my mother to my high school to pick me up and hang water. When he left, he stuffed me with a little money, and he said, "You must take care of your body at school, and you will soon have the college entrance examination again, you can't have any accidents."
My dad didn't come because he had a minor surgery.
Looking back, it seems that my uncle and mother would pay more attention to the difficulties I encountered in time than my father every time. Mom would visit me every week, but Dad wouldn't. Then my uncle would help me solve the problem in a very simple and crude way, which was to spend money. Counting the money my uncle gave me was tens of thousands, I really enjoyed his generosity, these money really made me better off than other students, and I could feel his concern for me.
For a moment, I felt that it wouldn't hurt me to maintain this status quo, had I thought too much before?
But sometimes I am still very entangled, for example, once when I called my father in school, he first asked me if there was any situation in school or anything that needed to be bought, and he could help me buy it. I prevaricated him and told him I didn't lack anything.
Then Dad said, "You must be good at school, if you have any problems, you must tell Dad."
I felt very guilty about my father, and although he did have a bad temper and was very strict, he had always cared for me silently as a father.
On the other hand, that uncle was really nice to me and my mother. One is my father, who cares about me silently and is related to me by blood, and the other is an uncle who generously donates to me and my mother, and even gives charcoal in the snow, and my heart has repeatedly pulled between my father and my uncle countless times.
However, something happened later that made me feel that I still couldn't accept my uncle's growing closer to his family and his increasingly clear relationship with his mother.
-7-
Ridiculous dinner
My mom actually mentioned my uncle in front of my dad many times, and they would mention their work cooperation, and I was nervous at the time, and there was even one thing that I found ridiculous.
It was the day after my grandmother died, and the family was doing funeral services, and many relatives and friends came to the house to mourn.
During the meal, my mother suddenly pulled me aside and said, "Uncle is also here, you go take care of him."
I took my uncle to choose a table in a very remote position, not wanting him to meet his father, but my father happened to take my grandmother to the table where my uncle was.
When Mom saw it, she tried to let Dad change the table to eat, but Dad just wouldn't, and he also wanted us to sit together as a family.
At that table, me, my father, and my uncle ate together, and my father and uncle would have work exchanges. Uncle knows Dad, but Dad doesn't know Uncle very well, only that he is Mom's business partner.
My heart is beating very fast. Uncle couldn't meet my dad and needed to distance himself from my family, which was a bottom line for me, but that line was broken in this dramatic dinner. Confusion, embarrassment, helplessness, guilt, sadness, all these emotions are intertwined, and they are put in my heart to the maximum, so big that I can't bear it.
I had a feeling that my secret had been revealed, and I was afraid that I would reveal something for my father to discover. I thought that occasion was very unfriendly to my dad. It was as if all three of us, knowing an unseemly secret, betrayed Dad together and kept him in the dark, and Dad was so innocent.
I don't remember how I finished that meal, only that I ate quickly.
I thought my mother should give up the idea of continuing to get along with my uncle.
Later, I avoided meeting my uncle even more, and even more avoided contact with him. He was getting closer and closer to my home and I couldn't face it. I also hate myself for helping my mother hide her secrets. I even tried to get away from my parents' lives. But my distance does not mean that my mother can change her mind, nor does it mean that my family can return to the warm and happy way it was when I was a child.
■ Photo / Movie "Midsummer Future"
-8-
Mom, why are you cheating?
Why did mom choose to cheat? What's wrong with Dad? Because my mother never explained this to me, I have been thinking about similar questions for eight years after my uncle appeared, and I want to try to understand my mother, and it seems that only in this way can I reconcile with the painful self in these eight years.
After graduating from high school, my father had some physical problems and needed to be hospitalized, and my mother needed to bring him a change of clothes and meals.
That day, because of the traffic jam on the road, my mother was late for more than an hour, although she was late, but she didn't delay anything.
But Dad started complaining to Mom, "Can you be earlier next time?" I called you very early, why is it so late?"
Dad's mood swings are very large, and I do feel that my father has a bit of strong words and can't understand my mother's difficulty.
My mother was very aggrieved at that time and said, "I need to buy you food and cook, I have to sort out and change your clothes, pack your daily necessities, and do so many things, but you still have to accuse me."
At that time, I recalled that in fact, this kind of little thing had accumulated many times.
Dad doesn't understand mom's hard work very well, and will complain about mom because of some little things, and often yell at mom. And when he doesn't get his mother's approval, his father will complain about his mother. Because my father is a college student and my mother is only a secondary school student, my father feels that he knows more and my mother has to listen to him in everything.
My mom had endured it before, wouldn't say much, and maybe she didn't have an outlet.
Later, when I talked to my mother, I gathered some scattered information, but I didn't know if it was all my mother's thoughts.
Mom felt that her uncle could give her some care, she could be her true self with her uncle, and she also wanted to be affirmed by some people outside. And Dad bound her very tightly, and Dad's personality made her feel very depressed. This could be one reason she would cheat.
Zhenyi: Can you now fully understand why your mother made the choice to cheat?
Xiaoyu: I don't think my understanding is enough. But maybe after I give her a reason like this, I can relax myself. After all, for so long, I wanted to resolve the pimples in my heart and erase the doubts in my heart. Hopefully, one day, I'll be able to sit down with my mom and talk about it, no matter how long it takes me to do so.
Zhenyi: If your mother's secrets have always made you suffer so much, do you think that it will make it easier for you to separate your father and mother?
Xiaoyu: Actually, I didn't want to separate the two of them, I will often miss the warm family scene when I was a child, and I hope they can make up for my lack of love.
I remember my mother telling me that divorce is very bad for the child's upbringing, so she will not choose divorce. Although there is no divorce, this incident has already had an impact on my personality.
Since knowing this secret, I have been forced to grow, and I am now more mature than my peers. At the same time, I can't trust others, when I get along with people, I will be very anxious, even very irritable, I always think that others will be one thing, behind others, which also I do not have the confidence to enter love or marriage.
Now if my mother confesses to me that she and her father have no feelings, this marriage is really not what she wants, but just for me to maintain this unhappy marriage, I feel that there is really no need for this, I will feel that I have another burden.
Zhenyi: Can you forgive your mother now? Do you still feel guilty about your father?
Xiaoyu: I can't forgive my mother, but I can understand her as a daughter. For my father, my guilt will always exist, and I didn't hear my mother tell me, "Why did I cheat?" Until the answer to this question, this emotion may have been with me, and there is still a pimple in my heart, which may be slowly getting smaller, but it may be inseparable from me every day after that.
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- Cover image from the movie "Midsummer Future"
Staff
Narrator: Xiaoyu
Producer | Zhao Zhenyi
Anchor |@寇爱哲
Copywriting | Zhao Zhenyi
Sound Design | Mulberry Spring
Operations |Yoyo