Text|Yuyu Jiang Zuo Meiniang
There is a good saying: "Love, not that there is no quarrel, but after the quarrel, love is still there." ”
Two people get along, sometimes love each other, sometimes quarrel.
It's just that some people are afraid of quarrelling, worried that their feelings will disperse as soon as they quarrel, and are afraid that the other party will leave as soon as they quarrel. However, quarrels are not terrible, what is scary is to quarrel with the mentality of fighting for you or lose and I win, rather than solving problems with an attitude of understanding the needs of the other party.
In fact, quarrels are not as scary as we think. On the contrary, "quarrel" is right to become each other's dependence, so that hard-won love can grow well.
01Quarrels are a special way of communication between lovers
Christopher Meng in "Intimate Relationship" regards "quarrelling" as a necessary running-in process of intimate relationships, and two responsible people will get closer because of quarrels.
Instead of using sweet words to prove the quality of feelings, it is better to test whether feelings are indestructible through quarrels.
There is such a scene in the TV series "The Bottom Line":
Fang Yuan and his wife Li Xiaole had a big fight because of their children's education. Fang Yuan looked down on Li Xiaole's career, thinking that she was simple-minded and would not necessarily become a partner even if she entered a law firm. It is better to focus on the child.
As soon as Li Xiaole heard that Fang Yuan had counted himself down, he was not to be outdone, and he fought back, accusing him of being a judge for many years and of being a deputy section level, and he couldn't take care of his family with less money and more work.
As soon as you say a word to me, the more noisy it is, the more fierce it is, and in the end, the two sides release cruel words, and the Civil Affairs Bureau goes to divorce as soon as it goes to work.
After being persuaded by Fang Yuan's two apprentices, Fang Yuan, who had calmed down, pulled down his face and took the initiative to apologize to Li Xiaole, and Li Xiaole also followed the steps given by Fang Yuan and accepted the apology.
After this quarrel, Fang Yuan no longer pushed all the responsibility of taking care of the family and children to Li Xiaole as before, and he would also take time to attend the parent-teacher meeting of his child's school and take the initiative to do housework.
And Li Xiaole is more supportive of Fang Yuan's work than before, even if Fang Yuan said that he would quit his job as a judge to become a lawyer and let his family live a better life, Li Xiaole would bounce back because she knew what Fang Yuan really loved.
Fang Yuan and Li Xiaole expressed their thoughts through quarrelling, adjusted the mode of getting along, and satisfied each other's desires.
Smart people can turn conflict into happiness through quarrelling, because the more quarrel, the more problems can be found and differences resolved, so that the hearts of two people will understand each other more and more, and the relationship will become better and better.
"The Noisier the Intimate" mentions:
"A fight is also a signal that one of the partners is very serious about it, and then the other person has to deal with it seriously."
Yes, quarrels can serve as boundaries or reminders.
Therefore, quarrels from another point of view, in fact, like normal chatting and flirting, are indispensable in the relationship, it is a special way of communication between lovers.
02 The cold war without quarrels is a kind of lovelessness
There is a sentence in "The Most Perfect Divorce":
"The worst outcome is not divorce, but becoming a masked couple. There is no love for each other, nor any expectations, but still living together, which is the greatest misfortune. ”
How many people are at the same table, each eating their own meal, sleeping in the same bed, each thinking about their own things.
A psychologist once said that if a couple quarrels, it proves that the relationship is still saved, and if they are silent and do not speak, they are completely helpless.
The Cold War was the beginning of the withering of feelings and the reason for the distance between us.
In the movie, "No Question West East" interprets a marriage ruined by cold violence.
Liu Shufen and Xu Bochang were in love when they were young, and did not hesitate to work to earn money for Xu Bochang to study, and Xu Bochang also promised Liu Shufen that he would be good to her for the rest of his life.
But after Xu Bo often became a teacher, he wanted to repent of marriage. In the end, Liu Shufen was forced to die and got the marriage as she wished.
But the life after marriage made Liu Shufen collapse for a while, about the things at home, Liu Bo often divided very clearly, never touched each other's supplies, even sleeping is their own quilt.
And Liu Shufen still pays unreservedly, making his favorite meals, helping him wash his clothes, and keeping the house in order, hoping to arouse Liu Bochang's love for her, but Liu Shufen's love has not been echoed, and as a result, it has evolved into tantrums if he can't get it, often chasing and beating Xu Bochang.
The neighbors always felt that Liu Shufen bullied Xu Bochang, but only she knew that she had already been injured by Liu Bochang's cold violence, and it was more uncomfortable than death.
In the end, Liu Shufen was disillusioned and chose suicide to end the marriage. She also responded in extreme ways to the almost violent mode of getting along with Liu Bo often brought to her by the Cold War.
The essence of all the cold war in the relationship is a kind of violence against the other party.
So noisy is not scary, because it represents love, it represents care; The most terrible thing is actually not noisy, like a stranger, because this is complete lovelessness.
Without love, husband and wife will be so cold, alienated, and ignorant, and this kind of non-quarrel makes people helpless and collapsed.
When something goes wrong, it's better to open your heart than to close your heart.
Marriage is not easy, be kind to each other's pillow people.
Occasionally quarrel over trivial matters, discuss important matters, and your increasingly dull feelings will always come alive.
03 Quarrel well, do not argue about right and wrong
There is a proverb that says it well:
"Love is enduring, but also kind. Believe in everything, hope in everything, endure in everything. Love never ends. ”
The way of quarreling determines the quality of a relationship, and instead of blaming the other party, it is better to take the initiative to give in and calm the emotions.
The negative emotions brought about by quarrels in marriage are like bombs, and those who know how to calm emotions are like bomb disposal experts, and stabilizing emotions stabilizes feelings. Only such a quarrel can manage the relationship better and better.
I thought that once, when Qian Zhongshu and Yang Wei were on their way abroad by boat, they had their first quarrel since they got married.
At that time, Yang Wei bluntly pointed out that Qian Zhongshu's pronunciation of 'bon' with a thick hometown accent was wrong. But the talented Qian Zhongshu was not convinced, thinking that what he read was correct, and accused Yang Wei of being self-righteous.
So, Yang Wei began to attack Qian Zhongshu with words, and where could the proud Qian Zhongshu endure it, the result evolved from the initial debate to vicious words.
Later, Yang Wei was so angry that he found an English-speaking Frenchman on the boat to judge who was right and who was wrong, and it turned out that Qian Zhongshu really made the wrong sound.
Looking at the dejected Qian Zhongshu, Yang Wei, who won the victory, did not feel the slightest joy, but pondered, everyone said so many angry words during the quarrel, and also destroyed the feelings between each other, it was not worth it at all.
Later, the two calmed down and agreed with each other that if there was a situation where they had different opinions, they would not have to rush to seek common ground.
After learning the lesson of this quarrel, when the two of them quarreled over trivial matters again, Qian Zhongshu would let Yang Wei go, even if it was sometimes not Qian Zhongshu's fault.
Qian Zhongshu believes that it is more important to put his wife's feelings first than to argue about right and wrong.
As the song goes: "What if you lose and win the world." ”
That's right, the principle of a good fight is: don't argue about right or wrong! Being able to argue right or wrong in small things is a rare wisdom.
As long as you don't want to get divorced, then hone your quarrelling skills!
04 Mei Niang said
The Five Languages of Love says:
"The relationship between two people is fluid, every time you do something that makes each other happy, the "love box" will add gas, and every thing you do to make the other person sad "love box" consumes a part.
Quarrels are not a vicious circle in the relationship, on the contrary, it is a virtuous circle, which allows us to see clearly where the symptoms of the relationship are, so that we can prescribe the right medicine.
Because the meaning behind the quarrel is either dissatisfaction or confusion.
Understanding this, we can face up to all the quarrels that arise in our relationships, from fear of quarrels to bold quarrels; From blind arguing, to noisy to gain.
May we meet the person who knows how to "quarrel" in the days of fine water, accompany you to eat, chat with you, and accompany you to grow old.
-END-