Happy families are all similar, but unhappy families have their own misfortunes.
Happy families generally seem happy and warm, and unhappy families are full of various contradictions and entanglements.
In a happy family, after busy work, it is the thoughtfulness and encouragement of the family; Three meals a day are a pleasant time to enjoy delicious food.
In an unhappy family, the pressure of work, the distribution of the economy, and the housework of firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce and vinegar tea will trigger a family war and make the relationship between the husband and wife lose its original sweetness.
Mr. Hu is 32 years old this year, and his wife Ms. Fang have been in love for two years and have only been married for more than a year, but the current marital status has made Mr. Hu very uncomfortable. When they first got married, the two were still very sweet, but after half a year, there were many conflicts, and the wife often quarreled with Mr. Zhang over some trivial things.
Mr. Hu works in a private company and Ms. Fang works in early education. Mr. Hu feels that his work is busier and more tired, and he often looks forward to relaxing after returning home from work, and can have a warm moment waiting for him.
Ms. Fang feels that she needs to be patient with children throughout the day, and she hopes to have a warm moment when she comes home.
But in fact, now that the two people return home, the atmosphere will become tense, and they often quarrel over various small things. Now Mr. Hu misses the good life of the two in the early days of marriage, he doesn't know why the husband and wife relationship between the two people is like this, and his wife never feels that he is wrong.
Interpretation of marriage psychological counseling
The situation of Mr. Hu and Ms. Fang is a situation that occurs between many couples who have just entered marriage.
When two people enjoy the romance of entering marriage, see a more real other person in daily life, or find that their needs are not met by the other party, there will be contradictions, conflicts, and disappointment and anger towards their partners.
1
Think outside the box to criticize the other person
Many couples frequently quarrel, and most of them will feel that it is the fault of the other party that causes the quarrel, and feel that as long as the other party changes, the relationship between the two people will be fine. And this kind of thinking is the root cause of the problems in the relationship between two people.
The key reason why couples quarrel is to think that there must be only one answer to things. The basic mentality of the quarrel is "this thing must be right, TA must be wrong". The problem is that when both people think like this, quarrels are endless.
In fact, family disputes, husband and wife disputes, etc. often do not have a fixed answer, purely a matter of perspective, not a question of right and wrong.
In the process of arguing, people who "quarrel" try to understand the true meaning of the other party, give each other emotional satisfaction, or compare the gap between the two to find a point that can be agreed.
People who "can't quarrel" will criticize each other in the process of disputes, try to refute each other, and even make personal attacks, just to prove their "infallibility", and both lose.
Therefore, when two people have a quarrel, we must tell ourselves: this matter may also have my own reasons, and TA may be right. When we jump out of the "I'm wrong with you" thinking mode and do not criticize and attack the other party in words, the conflict will not escalate, and the real solution can emerge.
2
See the specific events of the quarrel
When asked what the couple who often quarrels is because of what they do not agree and quarrel, "It's all small things, she always holds on, always feels that she is right," many people replied helplessly.
Since we want to solve the problem, we need to understand what the problem is, and what details affect the relationship, so that we can propose targeted solutions and really improve the problem.
▼ So, what are these "little things" that can cause quarrels?
Emnid, Germany, surveyed 1,000 participants for this study.
The study found that 46% of people claimed that cleanliness and tidiness were the number one cause of arguments, 35% believed that problems for family and children would cause arguments, and 35% regarded how their spare time was arranged as a point of dispute. 24% argue over men's ugly ties and women's low-cut clothes, and 24% argue over watching TV.
In addition, only 18% of people quarreled about sex. Compared with the sexes, women are more likely to quarrel than men, and the above various triggers will be more used by women as the cause of quarrels.
Therefore, couples who often quarrel may wish to sort out the main events of two quarrels during the cooling-off period, but have a pleasant and formal discussion, take out this event to analyze it well, and propose a feasible solution.
3
Empathy is the key to good communication
Communication is also a key issue between couples who have frequent arguments.
People who lack empathy always start from their own perspective, needs, and emotions when encountering things, and will be hostile, dissatisfied, and misunderstood by the other party.
People who are good at empathy will first experience the hard work of others, consider whether the other party has any difficulties, and then ask each other with a caring and understanding attitude and listen to each other's expressions.
After returning home from a hard day at work, Mr. came home and immediately lay on the sofa and turned on the TV, or opened his notebook to browse novels on the Internet, etc., to relax himself. And after the wife came home, she saw her husband lying lazily on the sofa, the house was in a mess, there was no cooking, and she had to drag her tired body to clean up the housework.
Watching his wife clean up the house, the husband will think: I should rest when I come home after a hard day outside, you must not work as hard as me, otherwise I will not have the energy to clean up the house when I go home. Therefore, the husband also continued to lie down with peace of mind.
The two people who think like this fail to communicate with each other in time to express their feelings, and over time, the wife's inner sense of imbalance becomes stronger and stronger, and there are a lot of complaints: I worked outside for a day, and I had to work tiringly when I went home, but you lazily watched TV on the sofa.
Then I will feel that my husband does not care about this family at all, that my husband does not understand himself and is not considerate of himself at all...
My husband thinks that I worked hard outside for this family, and you not only don't understand, but also complain there, which is really thankless, and you will also be dissatisfied with my wife. Just because of this quarrel, the result of the quarrel is - the husband feels that his wife nags and does not understand his own hard work, the wife feels that the husband does not care about the family and is not considerate of himself, and the relationship between husband and wife becomes more and more tense.
If the husband and wife communicate frequently, sincerely express their feelings about some things in the family, and then think differently to understand what the other party thinks, the situation may be different.
When the wife experiences the hard work of her husband working outside the home, she will provide her husband with a place to relax and rest after work, and no longer require her husband to go home to do housework, and can do it later or during the rest time; The husband will also realize that his wife's work is also very hard, so she still works so hard to create a relaxed environment for herself after work, and he should also be considerate of his wife and take the initiative to help her do something.
In this way, in the inadvertent doing housework, the husband and wife have a tacit understanding, and the husband and wife atmosphere is also very warm.
Marriage counseling reminder
Family disputes, conjugal disputes, etc. often do not have a fixed answer, and are purely a matter of perspective, not a question of right and wrong.
If you and your lover often quarrel over various small things, always have to distinguish right from wrong, you can seek the help of professional psychological counseling to change this marriage model and make the two people get along more easily and warmly.