Feng Lun: The two generations behind the blind date

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Ask:

Uncle Feng, I am a single young man and feel that I am still young, but since the New Year, my family has constantly asked me to go on blind dates. For this reason, my parents also reprimanded me several times, saying that I was not filial, and that the eldest was still a "single dog", which disgraced them. I want to ask Uncle Feng, what do you think of the phenomenon of young people being forced to blind date?

Uncle Feng:

In recent years, the phenomenon of young people being forced to go on blind dates has indeed become more and more common. I think that in this process, you can often see two things.

One is a certain conflict between tradition and modernity.

Parents forcing their children to go on blind dates is a manifestation of traditional beliefs. In traditional concepts and habits, parents often expect their children to marry and have children early and live a stable life. Of course, arranging for the marriage of their children is also regarded as the love of parents for their children.

From the perspective of young people, many people study, work, compete, and grow in the city, need to be independent, need to weigh whether they can develop in the city, at the same time, in marriage and love is often more concerned about emotions, and whether the other party is suitable to accompany them for a lifetime.

Therefore, regarding the criteria for choosing a partner, the dimensions of the problem, parents and children are very different.

The elders take the love and marriage of young people more seriously, and pay more attention to the result, emphasizing time - at what age must this be done. "You see who has children next door, how old they get married, how old they have children", how how. And the parties consider emotions more, do not regard love and marriage as a thing, nor as a project, emphasizing the so-called fate, there is no accurate time. So there will be contradictions.

In addition, many times, we can also see another contradiction.

Our modern life has evolved from the agrarian society of the past and the relatively closed traditional society. In traditional society and the era of agriculture, there is a family model of "two generations harming each other". And that pattern still exists today.

The so-called "mutual harm of two generations", on the one hand, is that the previous generation interferes in the life of the next generation, and there is no end to the intervention.

For example, some people are forty or fifty years old, even if the previous generation is already seven or eighty, as long as he is still alive, he still interferes in his life, and the intervention is very specific, how to bring grandchildren, how to get school, the previous generation must manage, infinitely.

Unlimited control, of course, will bring unlimited complaints and conflicts.

Another aspect of "two generations harming each other" is that the previous generation is old, wants to do something independent of itself, and is interfered with by their children.

For example, I've seen some dating shows for seniors. In the show, some elderly people are taken by their children, and their children force the elderly to go on blind dates and want to push the old people out. Or the elderly go on a blind date and want to find another companion, but the children do not agree and do not allow them to find it.

There are also old people who want to do something else, and their children always feel that the old man will be fooled, which is not okay, that is not okay, and it is necessary to intervene.

Between two generations, the boundaries of responsibility of each generation are not clear, hurt each other, and then blame each other.

The old man felt that by pulling the child up with a handful of, he gained the right to intervene in his children indefinitely. The grace of nurturing becomes the right to intervene and take without limits.

What about children, because parents control themselves infinitely, and if they have a happy life, of course they are grateful to their parents; If they are not happy, they blame their parents, and even when their parents are old, they will turn back to interfere indefinitely in their parents' old age and demand their belongings.

This pattern of "two generations harming each other" is indeed a long-standing phenomenon in traditional Chinese family ethics.

Now, with the convenience of transportation and communication, this mutual harm can still respond quickly, even if two generations live in the city and the countryside.

When telephone bills are expensive and letters are not delivered so quickly, parents are in the countryside and children are in the city, and parents cannot control their children. But now, parents can push you on the phone every day.

If there is still this "mutual harm model" between the two generations, the frequency of mutual harm is increasing under the current traffic and communication conditions.

So, how to reduce or avoid this "mutual harm model"? I prefer this approach: two generations each maintain limited responsibilities, limited rights, and spend their lives independently of each other.

Of course, the two generations should look at each other, but independently. Only in this way will this compulsion to do something, such as being forced to go on a blind date, be reduced.

I've also watched some family ethics TV series. I remember a TV series where the male protagonists were divorced once, and when they looked for a partner again, his father had to intervene and manage. When he finished falling out with his father and remarried, he went to mind his father's search for a partner. This male protagonist and his ex-wife also have a daughter, and the whole family is in charge of his daughter's affairs.

Of course, in order to be dramatic, the TV series increases the intensity of conflict. But the family relationship of this model reflected in the TV series is indeed a more typical family ethical relationship that we Chinese.

This situation is very bad. TV series can make a fuss like this, but if you really live in such a relationship, it will be very hard, very passive, and very unpleasant.

Therefore, I think that a new family ethical relationship should be established, emphasizing that each generation has the responsibilities, rights and happiness of each generation. Independence from each other, respect each other's choices, independent development, rather than infinitely interfering with each other and hurting each other.

Editor-in-Chief|Wang Tao Editor|Chen Runjiang Consultant|Wang Shuqi