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22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

Text |  Luo Xiaolan

Edit | Mao Yijun

Conflict between love and marriage

As soon as I entered graduate school, I decided that I wanted to study single childbirth. I grew up in a divorced family, and my mother took me from the town to the city. I think that women's single childbirth is a very creative path choice, and a small number of existing studies focus on rural areas and the lower classes, so I mainly study women with a certain amount of capital in cities.

But at one point I wanted to give up. This is a niche issue in China, and there is no such group of people around me. It took me more than half a year to find someone until I entered the field through the recommendation of an informant.

In 2018-2020, I deeply contacted 22 women who had children alone. They mainly live in first-tier cities, basically the only daughter in the family, aged 27-42 years old, most of the education is bachelor's, but also master's and doctorate, most of the annual salary is 200,000-300,000, basically have one or more real estate.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

●Information from single mothers during Gao Xiaojun's interview. Photo courtesy of the narrator

They really want to talk. I went to five cities including Shenzhen and Guangzhou for field interviews, including Shanghai, where my school is located, and lived in several mothers' homes. In the past, my understanding of them was more stereotypical and vague, and I had a new understanding of the image of elite women after the interview.

They had previously tried intimacy and expected marriage. The oldest is a 42-year-old working woman, both studied at a prestigious domestic school, and later worked as a middle-level manager in a state-owned enterprise, with an annual salary of nearly 500,000 yuan, and has real estate in Beijing. She said that she was busy with studying and working before, and she didn't think much about falling in love, and the blind dates after the age of 30 were much lower than her conditions, and she still hoped to have love. The decline in fertility also made her feel anxious, and finally decided to have children alone through assisted reproductive technology. When I interviewed her, she had just finished her egg retrieval, and it didn't go well, so I didn't want to ask more.

Most of the respondents became pregnant in an intimate relationship before marriage, interrupting the process of marriage due to conflicts between the partners or their respective families.

Mandy was 33 years old at the time of the interview and was working as a purchasing manager in Shenzhen. She is delicate and cute, her voice is small but full of confidence and clear organization. She and her boyfriend have been getting along for more than two years and have a stable relationship, but when discussing marriage with the other party's family after pregnancy, her boyfriend's mother proposed to have a priori child gender, and her boyfriend followed her mother, and she went directly.

Among these mothers, the youngest has two of them, 27 years old, both in Guangzhou, and the children are both 1 year old. When he wanted to get married, a man's family directly said that he would accept it if he gave birth to a boy, "anyway, pregnancy has no loss for his son." Another man's parents felt that it was humiliating to give birth out of wedlock, and even jumped off the building in order to oppose the marriage. Her boyfriend was very firm at first, even kneeling and begging, but then his attitude changed drastically and blocked her. She had surgery on her ovaries, and it was a miracle that she could get pregnant. She cried so sadly that she went to the hospital to prepare for an abortion, but the doctor did not recommend that the child was old and had a fetal movement, and she was reluctant.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

●A young single mother. Photo courtesy of the narrator

There is a mother in Jinan who is 10 years older than her boyfriend and became pregnant after being proposed. When communicating about the marriage, the man's family asked the daughter-in-law to lower her eyebrows and look good, because they did not accept the age difference between the two, and proposed to only register, not give a bride price, and do not hold a wedding. The boyfriend felt okay, she felt disrespected and refused to get married.

A mother in Changsha originally had a marriage partner, because the other party's family was an official, and she said that a word could be said by his father for two days, and she felt a big stone in her chest and was going crazy. Two days before she went to get her license, she repented, and later went to an overseas sperm bank to choose sperm and give birth. There are also mothers with a monthly salary of 30,000 or 40,000, who do not want to bind each other with marriage, and agree with their partners to be lifelong friends, and if they raise children, "one aunt is not enough to ask for two, and the salary is enough to invite three aunts." ”

They expect to marry someone they love and be able to live with each other's families equally, but when traditional patriarchal norms require them to be submissive wives and daughters-in-law, they do not want to compromise and feel that they do not have to enter the framework of marriage to compromise themselves.

They feel the conflict between love and marriage, and eventually adjust their expectations and turn to what is more important - becoming a mother. But there are also age differences, and younger women will be entangled, worried that if they have children, it will be difficult to enter mainstream marriages in the future.

The dilemma of going beyond preparation

Seeing the disrespect of the man's family, Mandy hesitated to get married and went to the field to take a break. She analyzes her own personality is stronger, and the other party's mother is the same. And the boyfriend is not as good as the performance when he is in love, more inclined to his family, married two families will interfere in their own life, there will definitely be many contradictions in the future, she can't accept it.

But she was 32 years old when she became pregnant, and she felt that if she didn't give birth now, she might not be able to reproduce in the future. Before the work was relatively relaxed, every month to go to the field for a business trip or two, by the way around to play, usually with friends shopping, drinking afternoon tea, travel on the go. But she felt that there was no sustenance in life, and the child eventually became her life goal.

These women should have everything, and sometimes there is a sense of nothingness. The marriage and life of the people around them make it difficult for them to trust marriage, but they feel that the intimacy and connection that children can provide are values that are difficult to obtain in a society full of risk, uncertainty and rationality. Some mothers said that this advanced function given to women by God cannot be wasted.

Deciding to have children single, Mandy's first thought was who would help him with the child, and then he thought about financial means. Her parents would help as much as they could, and she didn't think about what the child's father could do, and directly calculated whether her salary could support the cost of raising the child. She earns more than 200,000 yuan a year, owns real estate with her parents, and has no problem raising children alone. Later, after the man's family learned that the child was a boy, he used 2 million gift money and a house gift as a bride price, hoping that both parties would get married, and Mandy was unmoved.

In addition, they look to see if they are mentally prepared. Mandy considered that children are a lifelong responsibility, but not to preserve old age, they will have their own lives later in life and may not return anything. After all this thought, she still felt that she could have a child alone. After someone decided to choose a sperm child, they also specially raised a cat to feel their responsibility to care for and love life.

In the mainstream culture of Chinese society, single births face varying degrees of institutional obstacles, lack of protection, cultural stigma and birth punishment. Before giving birth, Mandy was also afraid that the child would not be able to go to the hukou, so she went to consult and research, and found that her Shenzhen can settle down for single children.

In addition, she was not sure whether to impose social support fees, thinking that even if she had to be fined, she would have to give birth. In the end, Mandy did not pay the fine, successfully registered the baby, and got maternity insurance, which is a relatively lucky situation.

Some mothers can't get on the hukou because they don't have a marriage certificate, so they read the laws and regulations one by one, and some people go several times, and finally it is done. In 2017, Zhang Meng, a party in the "first case of applying for maternity insurance money for unmarried births in China", applied for maternity insurance from the street office in Shanghai, because she did not give birth within marriage, failed to provide proof of family planning, did not meet the requirements, and her application was rejected. She spent five years litigating, going through the first instance, the second instance and even applying for a retrial. In the end, the lawsuit was deadlocked, the application in practice turned around, and she received insurance money in 2021.

Some people also consider that only tens of thousands of yuan, going through the legal process is too torturous, and give up. But in general, they are very autonomous, fighting for public power, collecting relevant news, and volunteering for single mothers' nonprofits.

There are many difficulties in really conceiving and raising children alone, and there are many difficulties that they did not expect.

There was a sister in her early 30s who didn't know she was pregnant, drank alcohol, and the doctor said that she had to save the baby. She lay in bed for a month, during which time she was still red, and at that time she was separated from her partner, and only friends took care of her. After the birth of a child, women who have children alone bear more financial pressure and care responsibilities than mainstream nuclear families.

When Zhang Meng used to work, she was away from home for 12 hours a day, and she was taken care of by her aunt. After school alone, the aunt took the child to her home to take care of it until 7 o'clock at night, which is about 3,000 a month. During the pandemic, she lost her job and her father became ill and underwent surgery. She said that because of the bad economic situation, coupled with gender and age discrimination, she has not found a job since last year. However, it feels like she is in a good state of mind.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

●Interviewer: Rena. Photo courtesy of the narrator

Although the labor market gives these mothers financial confidence, they have to give in to work to some extent in order to take care of their children. Reyna was 30 years old and her child was 4 years old at the time of the interview. She is ambitious and capable in her career, working across multiple sectors and has her own coffee brand and educational workshops. After having a child, she adjusted her work from offline to online, and also gave up her past network accumulation to return to Shenzhen from Beijing and Shanghai to facilitate her parents to take care of their children during business trips.

Almost every day in front of the child, she had the feeling that she vomited watching him, and before the child was 6 months old, she slept with her back to him. While doing fieldwork, I was invited to stay at her house for a while. It was summer vacation, she was holding a conference call at home, and despite repeated agreements, her son still made a voice from time to time to express her unhappiness that she could not play with her mother, and she could only explain it to her work partner embarrassedly. But she doesn't see it as a compromise, but rather as a proactive adjustment.

A single mother in Shanghai who worked in the advertising industry wanted to enroll her daughter through social security points in order to solve her daughter's education problem in Shanghai, but the stipulation could not violate the family planning regulations at the time. If she wants to buy a house, she can provide a marriage certificate. For a while, her daughter became a left-behind child like she once was. Later, she bought a house in a nearby city and picked up her children and parents from her hometown. But with a long commute, she quit her job to start her own business.

In the context of the lack of social security for childcare, regardless of whether women are married or not, they are the direct subjects who undertake the child's upbringing and care. For working women, it is often difficult to have both work and parenting. But in contrast, without the man and the man's parents, single mothers still have more pressure to nurture. However, Mandy also said that even if they enter marriage, many men do not care to accompany their children, either busy with death, or play with mobile phones, and feel that taking care of children is the responsibility of mothers.

Self-constructing "legitimacy"

Cultural discrimination is another obstacle. Single childbearing is a challenge to traditional norms of sexuality, marriage, and childbearing, and these single mothers face more or less some level of cultural stigma, and the family is their window into experiencing it directly.

A 38-year-old mother from Jinan became a group department director. After giving birth, the child was registered in her hometown, and her relatives basically did not know. She did not dare to go back during confinement, for fear of bringing public opinion pressure to her family. Her mother couldn't accept it, and always wanted to marry her ex-boyfriend, "saying it's for your good, but in fact, it's for their face."

The process of change was difficult, she repeatedly told her mother, because her siblings did not respect her and asked her to be docile. But the mother couldn't listen, and contacted her boyfriend and let him into the house until she wanted to break off the mother-daughter relationship.

Just as far as the single moms I came into contact with mentioned the gender of their children, the stigma felt in the Midwest was relatively stronger. However, most of the interviewees did not have this sense of shame, they were more strong, "if someone really came to me, I was not easy to mess with." Mandy, on the other hand, felt proud and generously told the people around him, thinking that the less gossip there would be.

I think that only women with a certain economic strength can self-construct the legitimacy of single childbearing, and from this point of view, it can be said that the middle-class status makes up for the shame of non-marriage to a certain extent.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

● Single mothers gathered during the Mid-Autumn Festival and invited Gao Xiaojun to dinner together. Photo courtesy of the narrator

The absence of fatherhood is also a question that needs to be answered. It is possible that the sample size is limited, and the children I interviewed are mostly 1-3 years old, and have not yet asked questions about where the father is. Most of the interviewees said that they had imagined this situation, and they had done a good job of psychological construction, and would calmly tell their children the truth.

When Rena's children were in kindergarten, she gave her teacher the picture book "Super Family - Various Homes". Later, the teacher said that the child's perspective was simple, and someone introduced his family members, including dogs, and Rena's son said, I live with my mother and grandparents.

Family culture holds that fatherhood is essential. These women feel that they have the financial means to give their children enough love and care to make up for this deficiency. As for how to replace the role of the father, some people say to give it to the grandfather, or invite a male friend. But not all unwed mothers can meet such conditions.

Some single mothers were worried that their children would be robbed and cut off contact with the man. One mother even said she wanted to be sterilized because she found out that the child would be awarded to the infertile party. There is also a situation where the other party is neither willing to give birth nor to bear the responsibility of parenting. In order to reduce the financial burden, the two youngest mothers in Guangzhou used the law to fight for alimony. One of the men's family is a local, and he wants face, and through the negotiation of the Women's Federation, he gave the woman 300,000 yuan at one time, hoping that the child never appeared.

On the other hand, they say that having children alone is also beneficial. For example, there is more autonomy in education and daily care, and no parents-in-law interfere with their own parenting. At the same time, they avoid the role obligations that traditional marriage culture confers on women's wives, daughters-in-law, etc., such as taking care of their husbands and in-laws, and considering their families.

Conditional support

Many single mothers still feel "lucky". Some people say that the child has cured the emptiness disease and is more motivated to work. Someone experiences a wonderful love that allows them to grow more. Mandy feels lucky because she has more time to spend with her parents after giving birth. The purchasing manager spoke with his own aura, but when he talked about his parents' support, his voice choked and he cried several times.

The parents are more open-minded and support her not to marry and have children. In my field, not every parent is like this, someone wants to choose sperm to have a child, and after the parents' persuasion is fruitless, they even let relatives have a child for her to raise. Mandy also said that her parents felt that it seemed relatively acceptable to have children alone compared to not having children in marriage.

Worried that parents would have too hard to help with their children, Mandy hesitated halfway. In China's long-standing culture, few matrilineal families have assumed all the responsibilities of childbearing and caregiving. Two-thirds of the interviewees received intergenerational parenting support from their parents, but most of them spent a long time recounting their guilt towards their parents.

It is subtle that some single mothers are able to gain parental support because of the perpetuation of patriarchal concepts. One of the reasons why a single mother had an unexpected pregnancy at the age of 28 and wanted to have a miscarriage but was dissuaded by her mother was that there were no boys in her family, and the children she gave birth could be counted as her own bloodline. The parents of the other two single mothers were able to finally accept, and there were also children who took the woman's surname.

Mandy lives with her parents after giving birth, parents are the main force to take care of the child, the child's milk powder, clothing and other expenses are mainly responsible for her, she can also have her own life, such as letting her son go out at home to play by himself. When she was growing up, her parents provided her with good financial conditions, and when she was 18 years old, they gave her a house of more than 100 square meters as a gift, encouraging her to be herself freely.

There are also women who find it difficult to obtain such support, or believe that it does not provide ideal parenting help, and will use market forces. Zhang Meng lives in the same community with her parents, but because of the discord in educational concepts, she has found a parenting aunt to assist since confinement.

Financial means give them more resources to help with childcare, such as hiring confinement and childcare sisters. In addition, there are "sisters and mutual aid" groups, which exchange what sperm bank to choose, how to avoid children being robbed, how to fight for child support, and so on. In Shenzhen and Guangzhou, familiar mothers give each other clothes, some take turns to help take care of several children on weekends, some visit pregnant mothers to provide financial help, and some will use the cold chain to mail breast milk to mothers who lack milk.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

● Single mothers visit each other's doors, and children play together. Photo courtesy of the narrator

There are also people who can only rely on themselves. A mother was tricked into marriage, only to find out that the other party had a family after giving birth, and even her mother-in-law and the sales office staff when buying the wedding house were hired by the other party to play, cheating her 600,000 yuan. As if struck in the head by lightning, she said that "the birth of this child is a sin". Her parents also pointed fingers at her, afraid that relatives in the same community would see her, refused to let her and her children go home to live, and discussed giving them away.

She is a Shanghai drifter, age 30+, she used to be very proud, felt that she had contributed a lot to the family, and helped buy a house for her younger brother. Later, it was found that these could not be exchanged for love, and it was very negative for a while. Her parents helped at first, but always wanted to control her. Now she is alone with her children and has bought a one-bedroom apartment in Shanghai on her own. She stopped blaming herself, saying that she would do her best to love her daughter and was ready to try to change to a two-bedroom apartment. She won the marriage fraud case, but it was too difficult to recover the money.

"Capital"

Most of the single mothers I interviewed were standard urban middle-class women with the capital not to enter the traditional marital and family scene. This is also the point that makes me blame myself - the study just confirms that "the life of the rich is simple and happy". I fell into the trap and felt that for women to be independent and live a happy life, they had to have money.

In fact, I actually interviewed about 30 people, and the others did not have similar conditions, or were too passive to have children single, I didn't know how to deal with it, and the struggle took longer than writing a paper. The mother who was cheated into marriage, I didn't put her in the paper, for fear of increasing the stigma of her and the group.

Seeing them break through and struggle little by little in the midst of difficult situations, I feel powerless. At that time, it was limited by age, experience and ability, and if I did it now, I would present all those complex, dark things.

22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

● When Gao Xiaojun was doing field work in Guangzhou, a certain interviewee took a photo of her. Photo courtesy of the narrator

Because of various factors, I became a real estate agency after graduating from graduate school and wanted to make money to buy a house in Shanghai. Although I used to be the first in the region and my monthly salary was 100,000 yuan, making money soon made me feel the pain of cramping and bones, and people were alienated. After working for more than a year, the previous curse was broken, I also participated in some public events, volunteered, realized that different classes of people have their own power, and recently quit.

I understand my mom better. She sent me to boarding school from the fourth grade of elementary school in order to work, and I used to resent her. Because I didn't choose a stable job after graduation, coupled with communication problems, we spent most of the year in the cold war. Now she will also let me go to doctoral studies, or become a teacher, and get married and have children steadily.

I am from Shandong, my hometown is more traditional, and when I was a child, men and women sat at separate tables. Now I will also ridicule myself, unemployed vagrants like me who did not enter the system and resigned should be like rotten vegetable leaves in the marriage market in my hometown. Actually, I was just trying to find my way out, struggling all the time and wanting to do something meaningful. After doing the field, with this observation of motherhood, I felt that not getting married and having children was also an option, and I also had a cat.

In recent years, I have kept in touch with some of my interviewees, some of whom have gotten back together with the people who had a previous fight, some have married new partners, and some are still fighting lawsuits and fighting with the man for alimony, but they are all taking good care of the children. At the same time, the external environment is changing, and some provinces have lifted restrictions on birth registration, and there have been more reports, but the protection for them is still insufficient. However, the most heated discussion in the group is how to prepare for the birth of a child. Living your life well is the most important thing.

Next, I plan to continue my PhD. Before studying, I want to spend more time with my mother, write our life stories, and also plan to do some support work for women at the bottom. They need help more than elite women with more resources in the structure. How can they live without greater stigma and financial capacity? Maybe abandon your children. And most importantly, how they came to be like this. But I don't want to treat them as victims, but I will see their autonomy, at least pay attention first.

(In order to protect privacy, the characters in the article are pseudonyms, and the character information has been obfuscated.) Part of the information comes from Gao Xiaojun's paper "Women in Charge? Single Fertility and Renegotiation of Gender Roles", published in Women's Studies Series, No. 3, 2022. )

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22 single mothers in a study of unmarried girls

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