Movie "Spring Tide"
Ms. Snow:
35-year-old, unmarried woman, has been urged to marry by her parents. I confessed to my parents, and if one day I was lucky enough to meet someone who would make me want to marry him, I would marry, and vice versa.
But in the past few years, my parents and I have always clashed over marriage.
First of all, my parents' view of marriage is very traditional. In their view, a woman's failure to marry means that she may be alone in her old age and face a tragic end in life.
Secondly, they are always worried that after they die, I will face the difficulties and dangers of the world alone, which will be very hard and lonely.
Finally, my parents couldn't stand the gossip and cynicism of relatives, friends, and neighbors.
My dad used to say to me, "How could I raise a daughter like you!" Every time I go out, I feel very humiliated, and others openly and secretly ask if my daughter is going to get married, and joke that I raised a daughter who can't be married. ”
And my mother even threatened not to eat or drink and want to die.
Now my mother is also prone to mood swings because of menopause, shedding tears when talking about my not getting married, and even losing sleep all night.
My father repeatedly forced me to find someone to marry on the grounds that the crux of my mother's heart disease was that I was not getting married.
So I can't refuse the blind date arranged at home now, even if I am busy with work, I try to find time to go.
Once I revealed that I might not be able to go or hesitate about this matter, and did not reply to the message in time, my mother would start calling me for life, and if she couldn't contact me all the time, she would be anxious and insomnia, and my father would be dragged into sleep.
And I'm actually not very satisfied with my current blind date, but my parents think that the man is very good, at least introduced by the family, knowing the roots, people seem to be down-to-earth.
The most important thing is that his home is close to mine, which is my mother's wish for many years - I want to marry as close as possible.
I wanted to make my thoughts clear to my parents, but I was afraid that it would provoke a reaction from my mother, and I didn't know how to explain to my parents about marriage and make them accept that I might not get married.
Ms. Xue just has her own ideas about marriage and does not want to enter marriage due to age anxiety.
But it is said to be the cause of the mother's depression, which must make Ms. Xue, as a child, feel guilty. This guilt also forced Ms. Xue to accept her parents' arrangement and find it difficult to give her opinion.
In such a relationship, Ms. Xue, who wants to have her own space, is afraid that she will hurt her parents again, but she cannot ignore her inner appeal, and she is in a dilemma.
When children grow up and become adults, it is not only the children themselves that change, but also many essential changes in the parent-child relationship.
If it is not actively adjusted, it may cause various problems in the parent-child relationship.
Much of the reason for the predicament Ms. Xue is facing now comes from this.
Movie "Instantaneous Universe"
01.
Families that are too emotionally connected to bear separation
First of all, children have become independent adults, and the need for independence and independent space is obviously higher than that of adolescence, and in the relationship with parents, they will slowly tend to "manage their own affairs".
And from a psychological point of view, this is an emotionally connected family.
The mother will lose sleep and lose control of her emotions because the adult child does not reply to the message in time, indicating that the connection between the child and the mother is a very important thing for her. And the state of mom can also greatly affect dad.
The family of three seems to be tightly bound together, and changes in one party will cause the family system to react.
In such families, there will always be cases where people cannot afford separation, even if "when the time comes" is still pulling at each other, and when it is time to separate, there will even be people who develop symptoms.
Most families have a similar situation, the children have grown up, but the parents are unwilling to let go, resulting in an impasse and conflict in adulthood.
For example, the marriage of children can be said to be a major conflict point between parents and adult children in China.
In some families, parents and children usually get along well, but once it comes to marriage issues, there will always be chickens and dogs, making both parties unhappy;
In some families, parents and children are opposed to each other, parents treat children who have no partner and do not marry as class enemies and want to be eliminated quickly, while children insist on not being affected and continue to make the choices they want, and do not want to go home.
Parents who urge love and marriage may be worried about the future of their children, have conflicts between traditional and modern concepts, and have a single understanding of a happy life...
But behind these, more reflects that the parent-child relationship has reached a new stage.
After the child becomes an adult, one of the most significant changes in the parent-child relationship is that the child's need for parents will slowly decrease, and the parents may encounter a role crisis.
Different from the financial and emotional dependence of children on their parents when they are minors, when children become adults, they can work on their own to survive, and they have richer emotional connections, and the demand for parents is significantly reduced.
And parents who used to get a sense of accomplishment from their children's dependence are now slowly losing the source of fulfillment.
And marriage urging may allow parents to re-experience role identity and return to the past mode of parents and children getting along.
Like Ms. Xue's mother, she obviously has a strong emotional connection to Ms. Xue, and as the child grows up, this connection is slowly fading.
The role of "mother" is fading out of the child's world, and for a mother, it is also facing the loss of the role identity of "mother", which makes Ms. Xue's mother feel a strong sense of loss and crisis.
The integrity of the integrated family relationship is that each family member surrenders the "self" in exchange, and now the children want to find themselves, which means that this closely linked family system will change, and the family system structure will have a new arrangement.
And every member of the family system has a natural tendency to maintain the homeostasis of the entire family system.
Ms. Xue's relationship with her parents is like this, and even her mother has developed symptoms for this, so that the independence of her children can be slowed down, and the moment of parent-child separation will come later.
The system is struggling with change and immutability, and the parent-child relationship is also undergoing various essential changes, and if you want to continue to maintain a relatively good parent-child relationship after your children reach adulthood, you need both parents and children to take the initiative to make adjustments, so that the integrated relationship can experience separation.
Otherwise, families without boundaries, too close distance, will only make the self-space of individuals in the family be encroached upon, suffocating.
Movie "Instantaneous Universe"
02.
"Triangle cage" in the family
American psychologist Kapman put forward the famous "drama triangle theory", he believes that there are three roles in human relationships: perpetrator, victim, and rescuer.
In relationships, when encountering problems, we will first put ourselves in the position of "victim" to appear that we are powerless and need the help of others, and will show fear, self-pity, and complaining.
After choosing your role, you are using the people around you to fill the other two vacancies.
In this family, Mom puts herself in the position of victim, Ms. Xue stands in the position of persecutor, and Dad is acting as a rescuer, fiercely criticizing Ms. Xue to save her mother who is in pain and powerlessness.
Behind this, it actually reflects that this is a weak mother, eager for others to rescue.
And the reason for the weakness may be her unwillingness to be a "bad mother" - "I am depressed because my children left me". Therefore, hiding under the shell of a "good mother", I can only say "I am depressed because my children are not leaving fast enough".
And Ms. Xue is indeed doing this for her mother, accepting and identifying with the "bad mother" projection in her mother's heart in the family's "triangle cage", playing the role of a persecutor.
As an independent adult, it is clearly reasonable to have sovereignty over your own marital affairs. But for Ms. Xue, who is in such a triangular pattern, it has become the reason for her mother's pain and her father's anger.
Such a relationship model often shackles the development of adult children's sense of independence.
In a relationship where they are not allowed to have their own voices, children who try to express themselves will always be regarded by their parents as destroyers of the parent-child relationship, accused and become evildoers. Children are in it, and whatever they do, they feel wrong.
Movie "Instantaneous Universe"
03.
And how to get out of the cage and let the integrated parent-child relationship be separated?
First of all, you need to learn to distance yourself a little from your parents.
When faced with the marriage urging from her parents again, Ms. Xue can try to tell her parents, "When you can take care of yourself, I can rest assured that I can consider my business." ”
Prepare parents for independence, rather than facing and dealing with separation as a last resort.
This also allows the originally integrated intimacy to gradually establish boundaries, slowly learn to separate topics, and allow each other to have their own space again.
The distance is suddenly pulled too sharply, not only parents are not used to it, but also children will not be used to it. Starting with some small things in life, let parents gradually accept that the child is already an independent adult.
For example, you can first create a physical distance from your parents and create a physically private space. If you can only live with your parents for the time being, you can also consciously draw boundaries with your parents.
In the face of parents' urging, questioning, and unaccustomedness, we can still insist on our own choices, but there is no need to argue with our parents.
Because we don't have to convince our parents to get our own choices, that's something we can control.
Movie "Instantaneous Universe"
Secondly, communication must also be maintained during the separation process.
There are some young people, in the process of independence, who will get into trouble with their parents; In the end, it is true that parents no longer interfere in their own affairs, but the parent-child relationship also enters a state of rupture. Passive separation, both sides hold grudges.
The Austrian essayist Hofmannsthal believes that maturity means being clearer apart but more closely connected.
A mature and healthy parent-child relationship is also a relationship that is independent of each other, but also interdependent.
Maintaining communication is to let each other understand each other's ideas, and understanding is the basis of understanding.
We are two generations with our parents. There are differences in each other's era background, cultural background, and family background.
Many times, what seems to us to be a misconception may be the most useful thing from their standpoint.
And knowing each other is not to change the other person, on the contrary, to make yourself realize that you cannot change the other person, neither for parents nor for children.
In addition, as children, you can refuse their parents' intervention in their own lives, but also remember to take the initiative to communicate with their parents about what they have done recently. I often say to my parents, "I was about to tell you...", which can turn the work into a jade.
The report is not for self-show, but to give an explanation to parents, so that they can see that "I understand that you care about me, I have my own practices, but I also accept your affection."
In the end, accept that we will all disappoint each other.
Sometimes, you are saddened by seeing your parents' "disappointment" and disappointed in yourself: "I disappointed them, did I do something wrong?" "Sometimes, parents get angry, disappointed that you don't accept their ideas.
Disappointment is inevitable because we cannot do anything to satisfy a child's parents; And parents can't have a child who satisfies him in everything.
Digesting this is your own subject, as well as your parents' problem.
In the same way, we need to learn to accept that our parents are parents who will disappoint us. Now everyone knows the original family, and they are talking about how much damage the original family has caused to themselves.
"How could my parents ...", "Why wouldn't my parents ...", "I tried hard to make myself better, but my parents always hurt me!" ”
After knowing the "badness" of our parents, we also unconsciously have an expectation that "if my parents are willing to change, then I will not be so miserable", and even obsessed "Only if my parents change, I can become better, and I can be freed from the current pain".
Such an idea is actually to put the responsibility for their own happiness on their parents, confusing their respective issues, whose life is happy, who should be responsible. No one can take responsibility for the happiness of others.
Expecting parents to become perfect parents is destined to be disappointed.
Because no one in the world is a tool to fulfill our desires. Parents have their own original appearance, they cannot become our ideal parents, and they are destined to disappoint us.
Accustomed to intimacy, it may be difficult to be independent, it may take a long time, and you may find that you do not have enough energy at the moment to do it.
At this time, seeking some professional help and psychological counseling can also help us better explore and grow ourselves, and achieve psychological independence and strength.
END
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