Media: "Partner" magazine, January 2022, Issue 512, P31 "Marriage and Romance Clinic"
Experts in this issue: Fei Rin, psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor.
Xiao Wu Consulting
When I went back to my in-laws' house for the Chinese New Year with my husband two years ago, I never felt close to my in-laws.
The first time my in-laws were polite, but I was embarrassed to be idle, so I helped out for a day's work, and as a result, I was tired enough, and my husband was not comfortable with it, just because I should do it.
The second time I went back to my mother-in-law's house, my in-laws directly assigned me to do the dirty and heavy work, but my husband did not take the handle. I held my breath, but I didn't dare to speak up.
Now that the New Year is approaching, I suddenly feel more pressure, and tell my husband that I don't want to go back, but he blames me for being calculating and pretentious, and if I don't go back, it will make him lose face, and the two of us have a big fight over this.
Now, I am depressed and in a dilemma - if I don't return, I am afraid that the contradictions between husband and wife will intensify, and I can't pass this year happily; When I go back, I will feel that I am not respected and accepted, and I feel very aggrieved in my heart. What am I going to do?
Guangzhou heard about the psychology of the director
Consultant Fei Rin explained:
In Chinese culture, women marrying are often married to a family, or even to a family, and women need to adapt to the new environment and learn some ways to get along with their in-laws.
Faced with some situations in the in-laws' family, many people were frightened at first, and even dared not imagine how to live in the future, feeling that they could not improve their relationship.
But in fact, everything is constantly changing, and there is a gradual adaptation and running-in process with the family, and blindly avoiding it is not a good strategy.
If you can communicate with your husband in advance, let go of your anxiety first, and believe that you have the ability to change, learn to adapt to the role of daughter-in-law, think that in addition to encountering some unpleasant things, you may also encounter some interesting things, so that you will find that your mood is much more relaxed, and you will be willing to make some good attempts.
First of all, you can reflect on why the husband is not disgusted under the same circumstances?
Usually when the daughter-in-law arrives at her in-law's house, she will inevitably feel that she is an outsider, many things are inconvenient to say, many emotions have to be hidden, it is easy to become restrained, and it is difficult to get close to each other.
At this time, if you can observe your husband, you will find that he often does not have too many negative emotions.
Because he has grown up accustomed to getting along with his family and has his own way of coping.
For example, Xiao Wu's husband will not do anything at his parents' house, and Xiao Wu will do it, and he will not leave a good sentence. Then she can help willingly if she wants to, and she doesn't have to be aggrieved if she doesn't want to help.
Secondly, when the daughter-in-law arrives at her in-law's house, she must not be pampered and coquettish.
In the original family, you are the "little princess" of your parents, and after marriage, you are your husband's "little cute", and your parents and husband feel sorry for you at home.
But when you come to your in-laws' house, you are a junior, someone else's daughter-in-law, you must be humble in your feelings and learn to respect your elders.
If you want others to respect you, you have to take the initiative to do things before you can be appreciated and hearted.
If you are blindly pampered and coquettish, you are prone to jealousy, and your in-laws will easily look at you unfavorably, and will dampen your spirit in some small things and details.
Finally, there must be a pattern of "not competing for the moment".
Many things that you thought were important and unbearable at the time, but when you look back after a while, you will find that you were too real and anxious at that time, and those things were no longer worth mentioning.
Family harmony should be co-created, tolerated and accommodating to each other.
If the daughter-in-law has a bad relationship with her in-laws and goes back to make a fuss, then everyone will lose face. If the husband is a person who values parents and face, then there will inevitably be dissatisfaction in his heart, which hurts the feelings of husband and wife.
As a daughter-in-law, if necessary, you can take a step back and look at the relationship with your in-laws with a peaceful mind, and some things do not have to focus too much on the right and wrong of the moment.
Even if you have a disagreement with your in-laws and have conflicts with your relatives, the other party is still the closest relatives of your husband and children, you may wish to temporarily put aside your grudges during the New Year, let your husband and children enjoy family affection in peace, and have a good time among relatives.
Of course, in family relationships, we should also think more differently about each other. If the in-laws do too much, offend the daughter-in-law, causing the daughter-in-law to be unwilling to return to her in-law's house for the New Year, it is her son, grandchildren who suffer; If the husband goes too far and the wife does not want to return to her mother-in-law's house, it is herself, her parents, and her children who suffer.
Fei Rin
Guangzhou heard about it, psychological counseling director, psychological counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Senior Marriage Counselor
Family education instructor
・I heard about it, specially invited medical psychological consultant
Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Chief physician and psychological consultant of the Department of General Surgery of a large tertiary hospital in Guangdong Province
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