Wen | Zhu Shengyong
Every woman wants a happy marriage, and to get such a marriage, it is not only necessary for the husband and wife to manage the marriage, but also the most important point is to "choose the right person", which is what we often call "choosing the right marriage".
As a marriage manager, when getting married, it is crucial to choose a person who is right in the door.
You can pay attention to the fact that marriages that are generally not favored by parents will basically have problems.
Many people may not believe it, in fact, what we call "door-to-door pairs" is to see the degree of matching between men and women at some levels and in some places, that is, the analysis of the degree of matching.
Long ago, people interpreted the door-to-door pair as the degree of matching between the two families in terms of economy, power, and class, and this is only one aspect.
The correct interpretation should be divided into two parts: "door dang" and "household pair".
"Mendang" mainly refers to the economic level and economic behavior of the two families. For example, in terms of economic income and consumption concepts, many people who lack money, or who have suffered from poverty when they were young, their desire for wealth will be extremely high, and even the distortion of concept cognition will occur.
After growing up and entering marriage, they have a strong desire to control money, and even do not give their families a home, or propose AA marriage, and it is easy to have a serious marital crisis with their partners because of money problems.
"Household pair" refers to the similarity in terms of the original family. For example, if parents encounter problems in marriage, they will discuss, then the child and their partners will also use consultation to solve problems after marriage; some parents like cold war when things happen, and children will have cold wars when they encounter conflicts with their partners; if parents like to quarrel, children will also feel that quarrels can solve problems, and then marriage is not peaceful...
How the parents' view of marriage, the child will form a kind of marriage view, if two people with different views of marriage get married, then after marriage will be easy to quarrel because of the new mode of communication, they all want to change each other, do not want to take a step back, so it is difficult to match the two different family models.
Regarding the analysis of the "door-to-door pair", the above is a static analysis, mainly considering the original family, the impact of some previous things, and does not discuss his growth and changes, as well as the interaction between two people after marriage.
However, to see whether a marriage matches, we must not only look at the static "door-to-door pair", but also look at the dynamic development, which is comprehensive.
So how to do a good job of dynamic analysis? We divide it into 3 levels to interpret.
First, from the stage of marriage development to see the needs of two people.
You should know that the two people who have just entered the marriage are very happy because there is a sense of freshness, because there is still an aura, and when they enter the flat period, the two people will inevitably face reality. This needs to start grinding.
But some people feel that after marriage, their lives are stable, they are old husbands and wives, and they don't need to engage in those very vain things, which is a big mistake, and each stage has the needs of each stage.
From the perspective of marriage development, there are stages such as newlywed marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, confinement, upbringing, education, etc. Each period, the two people's concerns are different, and their needs are different.
Second, from the perspective of the mode and ability of couples to solve problems.
The quality of the marriage of two people depends largely on whether they can solve various contradictions in life, if the man has grown up in the voice of criticism and denial since childhood, if the wife understands him, accepts his trauma, and when the opinions of two people are different, they can gently communicate with him, rather than accusing and complaining about him like his parents, so that the two people will gradually evolve a problem-solving model.
Third, trauma repair. As we grow up, we are traumatized by our parents or family, including their views and perceptions of marriage and some of the negative and limited aspects of life. These can all become traumatic.
Trauma is a button for a person to turn on the defense mechanism, after marriage, when you encounter a problem in communication, the other party's trauma is touched, he will open the defense mechanism to protect himself.
At this time, it is necessary for the partner to be able to soothe him and heal him, which is a very important point in any relationship.
Overall, the door is very important, because it is a beginning, is a good start, but if you want to be happy in marriage, it requires two people to face the subsequent marriage management, to understand and respect each other, willing to accept each other, and know how to meet each other's needs.
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of the School of Marriage Management, author of the best-selling book "Governance of Extramarital Affairs"