Author: Tachibana Sheng (Fushu columnist)
Some time ago, a girl blew herself up on the Internet as an "unfortunate native family".
The parents were going to build a new house in their hometown, and the girl asked her mother hopefully: "Will you leave me a room?" ”
My mother said, "In the past two years, your brother is still young, so he will definitely leave you a room, but if your brother marries a daughter-in-law in the future and has a sister-in-law, then there will definitely be no room for you." ”
Hearing her mother's answer, she was not as sad as she thought.
In fact, she has endured a lot of such "grievances".
In addition to patriarchal preference, she has experienced a lot more: taking on the responsibility of taking care of her family too early, divorce not being understood by her family ...
This video also sparked heated discussions among netizens:
"It made me cry, and I also knew since I was a child that girls in the countryside do not have a home."
"That's right, I empathized with the girl in the video, and my eyes were sour, hoping that I would be reincarnated in the next life and be able to cast myself into a loving family."
"Girls work hard to give themselves a home, and the rest includes family affection, as long as they are not only children, they are basically unreliable."
The "she" behind every comment has a native family similar to the video girl.
As the saying goes: "An unhappy childhood heals with a lifetime, and a happy childhood heals a lifetime." ”
Some girls' native families are like a soldering iron, and the impact on them leaves indelible scars.
The original family is unfortunate, and the girl is likely to become inferior
Colleague Kiki grew up in the repressive education of her parents.
"You can't do such a simple thing, what else can you do?"
"Can you be a little out of the way, like whoever is."
Similar words, Kiki has heard it since childhood. Therefore, Kiki is afraid to look at others, afraid to speak in a crowded place, and often falls into sadness because of some small things.
Kiki's evaluation of herself is also that she is mediocre, everything is average, and there is no way to compare with others.
We often say, "Girls just have to love themselves a little more." ”
But if the girl has an unfortunate family of origin, she will not only learn self-love, but will often have low self-esteem.
In "Proper Self-Esteem", it is mentioned that the three pillars that make up self-esteem: self-love, self-confidence, and self-view.
Low self-esteem leads to low self-esteem, unable to feel their own value, and when others are good to her, they tend to be sincerely afraid and have a strong sense of unworthiness.
Low self-esteem causes girls to fall into strong self-denial when they encounter a little setback or hear bad comments from others.
The terrible thing about the unfortunate native family is that it will trigger the girl's inferiority personality and pessimism, consume the spirit infinitely, and hinder the girl's future life path.
Seen such a case:
Sue often fell into mental internal attrition, and once she noticed that when she interacted with others, other people's emotions or faces changed, she thought that she was doing something wrong.
Every day before going to bed, Sue often thinks like a movie, thinking about whether she has done anything wrong today, and who is because she is unhappy. Such mental internal friction made her very tired every day.
So she sought the help of a psychologist, and with the help of the doctor, Sue spoke out about the native family she had been running away from.
Sue lives in a single-parent family and she lives with her mother. When life is not satisfactory, the mother will blame Sue for everything.
Such a native family led Sue to observe her mother's face from elementary school.
If her mother looks happy, Sue will be relieved, and if her mother has a bad face, Sue will wonder if she has provoked her mother again.
Living in such an environment for a long time made her very sensitive. When she feels a little bad change from others, she will look for reasons from herself.
When an extremely sensitive girl feels a change in the mood of others, she thinks about what she has done wrong, falls into mental internal friction, and thus begins to carry out "self-PUA".
The girl who has been hurt by the original family is not so bad, has her own excellence, but cannot correctly understand herself. No matter how much others praise you, you will feel that you are worthless.
Even if one day out of a bad family environment, but can not love themselves, low self-esteem has become the background of life.
A girl who was not loved in childhood does not know how to love when she grows up
There is a theory in psychology called "love empathy".
It is to transfer the emotions of some important people in the past life to the people you have met at present, or to get emotional needs from some important people but have not been able to achieve them, and strive to get satisfaction from the current relationship.
Girls with unfortunate families of origin will invest the emotions they need into their partners under the influence of "love empathy".
However, due to his lack of emotional security, he cannot properly handle the intimate relationship with his partner.
Yi Nengjing has an unfortunate family of origin, which also makes her particularly insecure and prone to gain and loss.
Yi Nengjing, who has no sense of security, can only gain Yu Chengqing's attention by "doing" and satisfy the lack of security in his heart.
Once she called Yu Chengqing and cried hysterically, Yu Chengqing asked her what was wrong, she didn't speak, she kept crying, and Yu Chengqing kept calling to accompany her.
When the two quarreled, Yi Nengjing would rush out of the house and not allow Yu Chengqing to follow, and Yu Chengqing could only follow her at a distance of tens of meters.
Because Yi Nengjing was too traumatized by her original family, she lacked love, and she needed others to constantly give her attention and love, and longed for others to accept her unconditionally.
The sick view of marriage and love subtly ruins an otherwise beautiful relationship.
Insecure girls, habitually constantly confirming each other's love for themselves, need to observe various details of each other, fear that the other party will leave them, and use inappropriate behavior to win the attention of their partner.
At the same time, she also "self-hypnotizes."
Because a little care from others gives the other party the right to stand by their side;
Because I can't bear that little bit of warmth, I can't get rid of an unhealthy relationship;
Girl Kitty is like that.
Since childhood, her parents did not give her much love, which caused her to lack love very much.
As a result, she is grateful to some small love, and it is easy to be trapped in a bad relationship for a long time, and it is difficult to give up when she thinks of the little bit of goodness that others have treated her.
As she said, "Seeing that he gave you a candy, why do you care if he stabs you three or four times." ”
This is a mistake that many loveless girls make in intimate relationships.
Psychological research has long shown that a person's childhood experience, especially the family of origin, plays an important role in the formation of an individual's intimate relationships, and will have a long-term, far-reaching impact, and even determine a lifetime of happiness.
Constantly being hurt by the same person repeatedly, not wanting to leave yet, trying to move and change the other party.
No matter who you are with or married, it is difficult to establish normal, healthy intimate relationships.
Face the problems of the original family and live your true self
American psychotherapist Ronald Richardson mentioned:
"One of the most difficult things in life is to get rid of the influence of the early family environment psychologically and emotionally, no longer repeat everything in the original family, and do not deliberately do things that are diametrically opposed to it."
Although the family of origin has indeed affected countless girls, what everyone can do is to face the problems of the family of origin, rather than escape or submissive acceptance.
Actor Hao Lei has always been strong, independent and full of aura in everyone's impression. However, everyone does not know that she actually comes from a patriarchal family.
The father was the eldest son in the family and had to give birth to a son, but in the end he did not get his wish and only gave birth to her.
Although Hao Lei, who is "expensive" as an only child, has always grown up with the belief of becoming a boy.
At the age of 15, she left home and wandered away, trying not to worry about the family.
When she starred in the first TV series, even if she was wronged, she did not cry, but ran to the beach to dig a hole to bury her tears, secretly telling herself: One day I will become a particularly powerful actor.
On the road to growth, Hao Lei has been trying to get rid of the influence of her original family.
Because of the suppression of her original family, she yearned for autonomy and ease, and used her own strength to fight against the strict discipline of the growing environment.
In the program "Thirteen Invitations", Hao Lei has the courage to show the most hurtful place in her heart and face her native family.
When she finished sharing with tears in her eyes, a gentle smile appeared on her face.
There is a saying: "Everything that can be said can be passed, and what is buried in the heart cannot be passed." ”
It is in this way that Hao Lei transformed the pain of her native family into her own vitality little by little.
Blindly blaming the original family and letting yourself fall into sadness, it is better to try to change the way you see things.
In the face of the misfortune of the original family, we can see and acknowledge, but we should not be imprisoned by misfortune to limit our freedom.
When we choose to take responsibility for ourselves, we realize that we have sovereignty over ourselves and the power to change ourselves.
After all, everyone's life, after all, depends on their own, the past is unbearable and unbeautiful, the rest of the life, we have the opportunity to choose our favorite lifestyle.
We should not use our only one life to pay for the original family, we must be responsible for our future lives and become mature and independent girls.
When we can redefine ourselves, we can separate ourselves from our unfortunate family of origin and become the center of our own strength.
Let go of the past and heal the harm caused by the original family, not waiting for parents to admit their mistakes, but to love themselves well.
Instead of falling into self-doubt, it is better to break through the so-called shackles and love yourself.
The sense of security is given by yourself, and your own excellence is the biggest source of security.
May all girls be delicate roses or grasses that survive in the wind.
About author: Tachibana Sheng, a columnist of Fushu, is a new media author who is willing to express his ideas, hoping to share his little ideas with everyone, article: parents read carefully, the copyright of this article belongs to Fushu, without authorization, shall not be reproduced, infringement must be investigated
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