Wen | Zhu Shengyong
In the process of counseling the governance of extramarital affairs, we encountered a very common problem, that is, when men broke up with their lovers and returned to the family stage, they adopted a Cold War strategy for their wives.
In relationship communication, we are not worried about quarrels, the most feared is that two people have a cold war, do not communicate, do not solve the problem.
The quarrel is that the two sides are communicating ideas, but the way is a little extreme, but the Cold War looks calm on the surface, but the two people do not know each other's ideas, nor do they know how to solve the current problems, and it is easy to go to the road of divorce.
How to solve the problem of the cold war after the return?
First: Decide with him whether to break up with your lover.
After a man returns to the family, the first thing the wife has to do is to ask him if he has confirmed breaking up with his lover, you don't care if he can do it, you have to look at his statement first, to see if he really has this idea.
If he has a cold war with you and doesn't talk to you, you have to tell him, "Husband, you don't say it today, it's okay, I'll ask again tomorrow, in short, I must know what you think."
Wives need to know that what you get here is an idea of him, to be sure that he really wants to return to the family, then the problem when he returns is another matter, and it needs another way to solve it.
Second, make it clear that the Cold War hurts feelings and may divorce.
You want your husband to know how you felt during the Cold War and the dangers of the Cold War.
You can say to him, "Husband, you haven't spoken to me in the past few days since you returned to the family, and you don't care about me talking, it's the Cold War, I feel very lonely, I feel like I'm starting to be disappointed in the marriage." ”
Let him know that the previous extramarital affair can be solved, you will not divorce, but if the long cold war, the marriage will end sooner or later.
Third, make your bottom line clear.
Let him know that he absolutely does not accept cold war behavior in marriage.
You can say to him, "Husband, you see my attitude towards extramarital affairs now, I'm staring at it, and I'm definitely not going to let go of the Cold War, because the Cold War is more destructive than extramarital affairs."
Fourth, debunk his ideas, purposes, and results.
The man who chooses to return to the family, but has been in the cold war, shows that he still has a motive in his heart, you have to debunk the motive, he can not continue to disguise.
You can say "Husband, you're in a cold war with me now, you're trying to get there... Purpose, but do you think it can be achieved? Then you can say, "Your current psyche is...", and finally say to him, "This Cold War will not achieve your goal, it will only break our marriage completely."
Fifth, tell him not to use the Cold War so that marriage can get back on track.
You have to let the man see that he is right to choose to return to the family, and let him see that your marriage is promising.
Then tell him that the problems that have occurred before can be solved, even if it is not the cold war.
Why explain these situations? Because you want him to see that what he wants to achieve with the Cold War can be solved in other ways.
If you don't let him see that there are other solutions to the problem, it will be difficult for him to let go of the fear in his heart.
Sixth, create a family atmosphere that makes you feel comfortable.
The first five points let your husband see your attitude towards the Cold War and let him see that other methods can be chosen to solve the problem. Later we will create a hopeful atmosphere.
Let him know that after his return, you can truly accept him, your marriage can continue to develop, and you will not be unforgiving to him after his return.
The above is the husband back to the family, encounter the Cold War how to deal with the way, if the Cold War is not resolved, then your husband and wife feelings will be slowly exhausted, he and the lover may reconnect, then the most important thing to save the marriage is to act, to advance, so step by step, the marriage can get back on track.
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of the School of Marriage Management, author of the best-selling book "Governance of Extramarital Affairs"