Wen | Zhu Shengyong
The second marriage is more complicated, and it will carry many problems in the head marriage. Seeing that the problem is the most critical step in solving the problem, today we talk about what problems will occur in the second marriage.
First, project the trauma of the first marriage.
What trauma does a second marriage project? Let's take an example, some people have betrayal in their first marriage, the other half derailed, he began to be disappointed in women in his heart, afraid of the same problems again, so in the second marriage, he will have some reservations, and even often doubt the ghost; some people when divorced, suffered from the trauma of property, after the second marriage, he will not turn in the salary card, and even propose the AA system.
So, if we want to marry a man who is married for the second time, then we need to understand the way he got along in the previous marriage, understand what kind of person he is, of course, if necessary, you can talk to his ex-wife, ask what happened between the two people, why they divorced.
If these issues are not clear, your marriage will easily repeat the same mistakes.
Second, be wary of property.
At the time of the first marriage, people have not experienced the trauma of property, so he will give the property to the other half, but in the divorce, if the other half commits the act of transferring the property, his property is divided into less than half, then after the second marriage, he will take the money very strictly.
I used to coach a client, this man is an executive of an Internet business, he earns forty or fifty thousand a month, but his ex-wife spends a lot of money, two people have been married for five or six years, and have not yet bought a house.
Later, after the divorce, the man began to look at the money very tightly, the salary was in his own hands, and the common expenses of the two people were half a point, and he was too afraid to suffer losses again.
Moreover, property will also extend to some problems, if the husband and wife are both married twice, then if one child receives too little education or investment, there will be contradictions.
Third, focus only on the children.
After divorce, many people feel that the person they are most sorry for is the child, let him have no father, let him live in a single-parent family, so after the second marriage, she put all her attention on the child, afraid that the child felt abandoned.
But she didn't pay attention to herself, not to see what her needs were in the second marriage, not to see what she wanted, and she also ignored the attention to her current husband. This will lead to two people still not being able to face each other honestly in the second marriage. Such a marriage is also very easy to get into trouble.
Fourth, there are emotional scruples.
Most people go in their first marriages with the idea of living a lifetime, but they don't expect to get divorced halfway through.
People who have experienced divorce have trauma in their hearts, and they will wonder if they are not good enough, whether men are unreliable, and doubt that all marriages are problematic.
So, in the second marriage, she does not want to hand herself over, she feels that it is too difficult to run the marriage, the marriage is too complicated, in order to avoid being hurt again, she will have some reservations, unwilling to trust each other, unwilling to devote herself to this marriage wholeheartedly.
Fifth, personality becomes sensitive.
After some people enter the second marriage, she will take the mode of getting along with her ex-husband and use it in the relationship with the current, such as the ex-husband looks down on her, and every quarrel belittles her, so when the current quarrel with her, she will automatically bring into the current cognition that she also looks down on her.
Sixth, it will be doubted whether the current ex-wife still has contact.
Sometimes the current person will go to his ex-wife in order to spend time with his children, and at this time, she will think wildly, "What will they do together?" Is it really just about spending time with children? Will two people have a rekindle in their old love? "This suspicion will continue to amplify.
I used to coach a client whose husband would take his ex-wife and children out every winter break, and every time she saw the circle of friends sent by her husband, she couldn't stand it. In this case, you should communicate with the current one and explain your boundaries: "You can play with your children, but the woman can't follow, otherwise you take me."
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of the School of Marriage Management, author of the best-selling book "Governance of Extramarital Affairs"