Wen | Zhu Shengyong
After many couples get married, they often quarrel because of some taboo problems, quarreling upstairs and downstairs, neighbors are terrified, there is an old Chinese saying "home and everything is happy", when the husband and wife quarrel every day, the family is always smoke miasma, the family has no "family luck", then the family is easy to decline, to decline, and finally disbanded.
These taboo topics, the topic of quarrel when mentioned, is a form of trauma, when someone brings it up, he feels offended, or remembers some bad experiences in the past, so driven by emotions, he wants to protect himself, so he adopts a counterattack attitude.
If you want to run a good marriage, we are not never mentioning these topics, but to learn to resolve, one of the functions of marriage is a healing function, do a good job of healing, your husband and wife relationship will have a qualitative improvement.
Many people's concept is that marriage should be dashing, free, if too constrained will make the other party disgusted, but not so, marriage is a community, you need to care about your partner's emotions, thoughts and feelings, if you don't care, then he can't feel the attention and sense of security, it is likely to seek the attention and security of others.
So how should couples deal with this taboo topic?
First, learn to discern and summarize contradictions.
In daily communication, you can pay more attention to what topics the other party is more taboo about, and what is the final direction of these topics.
Second, pick this out.
Many people face their taboo topics, he will not directly express "I don't want to discuss this issue, this problem makes me feel uncomfortable, makes me think of something", he may respond by getting angry or cold.
So, the partner needs to be clear, you can say, "You don't want to talk about this topic, is this your taboo?" ”
Third, be kind to your lover.
Another important point is to have love for the lover, so that the other party can let down his guard, and the things he does not dare to talk about are likely to talk to you.
When communicating, you can also let him know "I didn't know this topic before you were very taboo, if you touched it, I hope you can understand."
When you don't care about each other's feelings, don't care about these taboo topics, then you will easily trigger the other party's counterattack and defense, this problem is very serious, if you can't understand the other party's taboo, then you can choose to divorce.
Two people can get married for a better life, for a better development, if you always quarrel because of touching each other's taboos, then why are you together?
The most basic requirement between husband and wife is to be able to understand and accept.
Fourth, help the other person heal the wound.
How does the other party's defense mechanism open up during an argument? First, he may have had some childhood experiences that traumatized him, and secondly, your words and actions reminded him of the painful experiences you had when you were communicating. To avoid experiencing that feeling again, he opens up for self-preservation.
So how can we help each other heal? There are several ways to do this.
(1) Express trauma.
You have to express for the other party what you have hurt the other party, do not look for excuses and reasons to shirk, these will reduce your sincerity, and even trigger secondary trauma.
(2) Go hug each other.
You can give him a warm hug and make him feel like you're not against him, and you can talk to him about those childhood experiences.
At this time, don't joke that he is stingy, or say "what's the big deal", you don't understand him, you can't feel the pain behind this matter.
(3) Healing the other person needs to meet the needs of his heart.
When you see the lack and taboo things in his heart, you need to give this part of the support, this lack is not material, not that he was poor when he was a child, you give him money, but after you see this lack, you have to give him respect, understanding and companionship, let him feel "my wife does not dislike me, she understands me, she understands my pain, she gives me support"
However, it should be noted here that in the face of different traumas, we need to give different healing methods. This needs to be learned in learning how to run a marriage.
Author: Zhu Shenyong, Fudan MBA, founder of the School of Marriage Management, author of the best-selling book "Governance of Extramarital Affairs"