One day, her boyfriend enthusiastically recommended a movie to his girlfriend Xiao A, and Xiao A was absent-minded.
Boyfriend: "What's wrong with you?" Don't want to see this movie?"
Xiao A: "I'm in a bad mood, can't you see it?"
Boyfriend: "So, why are you in a bad mood?"
Xiao A: "Why am I in a bad mood, don't you know?"
Boyfriend: "I don't know." ”
Xiao A: "I don't even know this, think about it yourself!"
Boyfriend: "What do you say, what's wrong?"
Xiao A: "You don't have me in your heart at all, what else is there to say?"
······
Xiao A: "You forgot that today is the first anniversary of our love. ”
Boyfriend: "It turned out to be for this, you said it earlier!"
Xiao A: "I want to say everything, what do you use that brain!"
Do you feel familiar with the above crushing dialogue?
In getting along with lovers and partners, many women ask men to give birth to a special function called "born to understand me".
However, entering an intimate relationship with such expectations often feels disappointed and frustrated: "He doesn't understand me at all", "What he gives me is not what I want".
Have you ever felt something similar? Do you expect this from your partner?
In fact, everyone is very lonely, and they have been longing to find someone who can read themselves all their lives, hoping to find a soul mate with a soul rhino.
But in the end, most people will find that the other person does not know them as well as they expect.
In intimate relationships, we will return to the fusion state of infancy again, and take it for granted that "if you love me, you should understand what I really want".
And when your needs are not met, you will inevitably be disappointed, and you will shout in your heart: You don't understand me at all! Many people sulk again and again because of this, accumulating disappointment and anger in their hearts, and finally making the relationship precarious.
In fact, everyone is used to using themselves as reference coordinates. Men value being needed and focus on solving problems; Women care more about feelings and want to be loved.
Many times, we love each other in the way we want, but unfortunately, it is contrary to each other's needs.
Perhaps as the party who pays, we should consider whether what I give is what the other person needs. And as the party in need, why can't you express to the other party what you really need?
Guangzhou Psychological Counseling reminds that expressing feelings is a very important standard in intimate relationships.
If you don't say, how will others know? Even if this person is your partner day and night.
1. Know yourself
If you don't know yourself, how can you blame others for not understanding you?
Maybe you're always longing to be understood, you'd rather sulk than express your needs, you're not close to your feelings, you're depressed and find it difficult to show your true face...
So do you know what your inner self wants to say to yourself behind these actions, demands, and all kinds of inabilities?
The person who is hidden deep in his heart, what is Ta longing for, and what is he afraid of?
Seeing yourself clearly is not an easy task, especially seeing the parts that make you feel painful.
Even under the guidance of a counselor, it takes a lot of courage to face your most vulnerable parts.
The subconscious mind learns to automatically block things that cause pain in order to protect itself, which is why people are always in the same psychological dilemma.
To let the other person really understand you, you need to first understand and accept the three-dimensional and true self.
Second, learn to express
People often have an imagination of love: two people have a soul, and the more the other person understands me, the more he loves me.
However, one prerequisite for a person to understand you and guess what you think is that he must pay attention to you at all times.
You also have to know him, but understanding must involve openness, communication, and expression.
Many people are reluctant or do not know how to express, and the result is that the other party does not do accurately and does not receive the support and help in the intimate relationship.
Here, to borrow a phrase from "Journey to the West": "You want it?" If you want it, you can say it, if you don't say how do I know you want it, although you look at me very sincerely, but you still have to tell me what you want..."
Of course, we need training to express our emotional needs, inner needs, and life needs to our partners.
The management of the partnership requires care, time and energy, a lot of patience, continuous running-in practice, setbacks, and slowly make each other understand each other better.
Third, look at the problem from the perspective of the other party
When the other person's actions or expressions do not meet your inner expectations, does it mean that they do not love you?
People are used to thinking about others from their own point of view, not from their own thinking.
In fact, everyone supports their partner in a way that they understand and are good at, just like the boyfriend above, he recommended Xiao A to watch a movie, in fact, it is also to make his girlfriend happy.
If you can look at your boyfriend's behavior from this perspective, Xiao A may have different feelings, and maybe the gap can also become a love promoter for your partner.
Fourth, lower expectations and mature yourself
It's easy to expect too much from your partner.
Although we bet on our partner the expectation and hope for the perfect parent, the partner is not God, he cannot fulfill your expectations of the perfect parent, let alone make up for the lack of your parents for you.
Even if it can make up for a while, it is impossible to make up for it.
Because people's needs also change, and your need for a partner in the process comes from an immature self.
In addition, each person will feel and react differently to the same thing.
To fully understand a person is an impossible task, after all, you cannot be that person.
So you can't be completely understood by one person.
Therefore, we will walk side by side with loneliness throughout our lives.
Everyone who seeks integration in a relationship must accept the reality that in the end, the person who knows us best and can accompany us in the deepest part of our hearts can only be ourselves.
Adjust your expectations and reduce your demands on your partner.
After letting go of the perfect expectations of family and partner, accept that you are who you are and that your partner is like this.
When your expectations of your partner decrease, your ego will become more mature.
You don't feel like you have to do anything for you, you can achieve it yourself.