(Text: Psychological counselor Xu Wenjiao)
27-year-old Yiyi, there are always some twists and turns in the relationship with her boyfriend, especially every time her boyfriend travels abroad - often because of some unspeakable little things, anger, cold war or quarrel.
It has been this for two years.
After Yi Yi came into contact with psychology, he felt that this situation was related to himself, so he came to psychological counseling for in-depth discussion.
Every time her boyfriend travels, Iichi can understand intellectually and think that it is necessary for work, but emotionally he will be anxious, irritable, and even depressed and lonely. Especially when she can't contact or send a message to her boyfriend and doesn't reply, she will have an "emotional breakdown", worried that her boyfriend's love for her is decreasing, and her boyfriend does not pay enough attention to herself, becoming very crazy and difficult to calm down.
At this time, she will keep calling her boyfriend, "force" her boyfriend to pick up the video, and talk well for half an hour before her emotions can ease; If the boyfriend hangs up with only a few short words, or the attitude is slightly impatient, or half-hearted, Yiyi immediately becomes angry and accuses his boyfriend of not being good enough and caring enough...
When calm, Yiyi feels that his boyfriend still loves him very much, but when the emotions come, he will doubt his boyfriend's love for him, question his boyfriend's dedication, be extremely disappointed in his boyfriend, and be pessimistic and desperate about the future of the two people. At this time, no matter how comforting her boyfriend is, Yiyi is also difficult to accept.
After a long time, my boyfriend felt that Yiyi was often vexatious, had nothing to do, was difficult to coax and served, and was also a little bored and helpless.
Yiyi knows that he loves his boyfriend very much, can't do without him, and wants to get along well, but he can't control himself. After reflection, she believes that the state of getting along with her boyfriend may be related to her own growth experience:
Yiyi is the second oldest in the family, with an older sister above and a younger brother below. When I was a child, my parents worked outside the home all year round, and only brought my younger brother with me, and Iichi and her sister were taken care of by my uncle and aunt in the town. My aunt and uncle had two children themselves.
Yiyi's childhood memories basically have no impression of his parents, and he can't recall any pictures of being cared for and loved by his parents. She was also not close to her uncle and aunt, because his uncle was a taciturn person and rarely spoke to the children in the family; The aunt only cares about her own children, and is very busy, and she can't control the Yiyi sisters at all.
No matter how well-behaved Yiyi and her sister are and how diligent they study, their aunt will not look at them, after all, they are not her children and have nothing to do with her.
The only one who is closer is my sister, and when I was a child, the two often slept in the same bed and never separated. Iichi described herself as a follower when she was a child, always following her sister and her sister's friends, hoping that they would take her to play. She has no friends of her own, which she attributes to her introverted, inferior, and shy personality.
My sister had to live in junior high school, and at that time, Yi Yi was only in the fifth grade of elementary school, and it was difficult to accept, hiding in the bed for a month and crying until she fell asleep.
"At that time, I felt very lonely and sad, I felt that everyone did not want me, and I didn't know why I was alive." Iichi recalled.
Without her sister's company, Yiyi had to make friends with others, but fortunately she studied well and her classmates were willing to accept her, so she had two or three classmates who could play with her, but after graduating from elementary school, they went away separately.
Yiyi found that he had been lonely since he was a child, not good at interpersonal relationships, had very few friends who could play, and had no friends who could stay with him for a long time, and often played and scattered inexplicably.
In counseling, we first discussed Iichi's separation anxiety in terms of getting along with her boyfriend.
In the early years of growing up, Iichi was separated from his parents for a long time, and he did not receive the love and care of his caregiver's uncle and aunt, and often felt neglected and forgotten.
This causes Ichi to be particularly intolerant of separation once he is attached to someone, and once there are signs of separation, it triggers deep anxiety in his heart, thinking that the relationship is fragile and fragile.
And, without an early caregiver she could trust to give love and reassurance in a timely manner, she failed to develop the ability to reassure herself and reassure herself.
Therefore, as soon as she is separated from someone close to her, her fear, the anxiety of separation, and her unbearable loneliness, will be intense. Under these strong emotional feelings, a series of behaviors are used to "eliminate" these feelings, but often "cure the symptoms but not the root cause".
Second, Iichi's sense of trust has not developed well.
With a good sense of trust, we feel trusted, trust that we will be taken care of, and have confidence in the durability of our relationships.
The lack of trust often leads us to fear the intrusion and harm of others, and also worry that we will be ignored and not cared about by others, and there is a permanent sense of loneliness in our hearts.
The early experience of separation, not being pampered, and not receiving high-quality care made Yiyi deeply do not believe that others will truly love and care for themselves, and feel that once separated, even if it is physically separated, the relationship will weaken, will break, and die.
Therefore, in Yiyi's love, when two people have a brief emotional separation, for example, the boyfriend is unintentionally cold because he is busy with his career, or there are some skirmishes between the two sides, etc., Yiyi will be very nervous and anxious, and it is difficult to accept that "some contradictions and inconsistencies in the relationship are normal phenomena and can be repaired", and often use some excessive, too hasty words and deeds to interact with each other, making the other party feel speechless, helpless, and bored.
In addition, there is a lack of empathy for the partner's situation.
When parents or caregivers are insensitive to our needs, do not really understand our needs, and do not respond correctly and appropriately, it can lead to similar difficulties:
It is difficult to clarify one's inner needs, to see things from the perspective of others (such as partners), to understand that others (such as partners) may have their own emotional and behavioral motives, to empathize with his needs, and to empathize with his situation.
For example, Iichi understands that her boyfriend is very business trips and running away, and needs plenty of rest to protect his energy. But this "understanding" is only at the intellectual level, in the head, not at the emotional level, not the "empathy" in the heart.
Therefore, she is often unsure of what her boyfriend really feels at this moment, what she needs, and it is difficult to understand her boyfriend's "hang up in a few short sentences, or slightly impatient, or half-hearted" may be that her boyfriend is really too hard and wants to rest and relax.
Fortunately, Yiyi has a certain ability to introspect,
will think about why he did that to his boyfriend at that time, and what happened to his psychology; how much responsibility they should bear for the current situation, and whether they have their own problems in this incident; Whether things are really as they imagined; ......
This is Yiyi's strength, which is conducive to improving her ability to perceive herself and others, reduce disruptive behavior, solve her relationship problems with others (such as with boyfriend, friends, parents), and is also one of the important factors for counseling to be effective.
(Due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the personal information and consultation related to visitors have been modified)
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation