We live in this world, we all look forward to meeting a dear person, longing to have a heart close to us and build a close and secure relationship, however, for many people, falling in love is not an easy task.
People are often blinded by dissatisfaction and suspicion, so that they no longer appreciate each other and do not want to maintain the relationship.
Guangzhou heard that psychological counseling will explain for you: Why do I always want to break up with my boyfriend?
Yiyi is 27 years old
I have only been dating my current boyfriend for 1 month, and I don't know why, I suddenly want to give up again. I have been in a relationship many times, and I have the impression that the longest relationship lasted for half a year, and the shortest was less than 1 week.
At first, I will be very satisfied with my boyfriend, but as I get along for a long time, I can't help but find fault with them.
For example: do not know how to care about people, not romantic, not generous enough, no gentlemanly manners, do things too roughly, etc., some small problems that are very inconspicuous in the eyes of others, in my eyes, are fatal shortcomings.
I often lose my temper with my boyfriend and fight because of this.
My boyfriend became more and more cold and evasive towards me, and I felt that he no longer loved me and wanted to leave me.
I couldn't stand his coldness, so I wanted to break up even more.
In fact, I also want to develop steadily with my boyfriend, and I really envy the happiness of others when they talk about family children...
I think there must be a very sensitive nerve in my heart, and as long as I touch it lightly, it will involuntarily trigger me to want to break up.
However, I am not small, and my parents have a very good opinion of my boyfriend.
I don't know what to do next?
Guangzhou Psychological Counseling Analysis:
In emotional relationships, there is often such a phenomenon, men and women are together because they are attracted to each other, but after being together, they find that there are many unbearable shortcomings in each other, why do they have such inconsistent feelings after falling in love?
The world's top minds led Christopher Meng to divide intimacy into four stages in his book Intimacy – A Bridge to the Soul:
1. Gorgeous
At this stage, the two often feel that the other party is the most perfect lover embodiment in their hearts, as if they can't see each other's shortcomings at all, they are deeply attracted to each other, crazy and passionately in love.
2. Disillusionment
After the period of love, when they get acquainted with each other, they find themselves deceived and deceived.
All the advantages that were once seen have become fatal shortcomings, and those traits are like a needle, touching and provoking the most sensitive nerves in their hearts all the time, and they cry out regret and complain that they were blind in the first place, how they chose such an unbearable person.
Most failed romances and marriages are declared dead in the "disillusionment" stage, they always think that the other party has a problem, as long as the replacement can be solved, but only the next time they experience the same thing and fall in the same place, they suddenly wake up.
3. Introspection
At this stage, we will find that all our criticism and dissatisfaction with the other person actually comes from our hearts.
If we are really willing to let go of that pickiness, arrogance and self-righteousness, we will find that the person who constantly irritates you and stimulates you is actually yourself.
And all the feelings of want within us must be satisfied by ourselves in order to gain strength and peace.
4. Revelation
At this stage, we are able to connect with our higher selves and gain greater truths and revelations about life.
Most people's partnership will go through these four stages, and those who know how to introspect themselves in time will see through the pattern and tricks, withdraw the focus, strive to cultivate themselves, and finally harvest the road to a happy marriage;
People who do not know how to introspect themselves in time will be serious and persistent in that little trick, and then in the plot, self-pity, sadness, and finally reap the relationship of pain and failure.
In the cases received by marriage counseling, many visitors also came because of such problems. There are several common types:
First, do not believe that the best choice is in front of you
Socrates asked his disciples to pick the largest ear of wheat in the wheat field (only in and out, he waited at the end of the wheat field), but with the ears of barley everywhere, which one was the largest?
The disciple looked at this plant and shook his head; Looking at that plant, he shook his head again.
They always think that the biggest spike is still ahead.
They always think that there are still many opportunities, and there is no need to prematurely decide.
After a long time, they reached the end empty-handed before they woke up like a dream.
Many girls of marriageable age, with a strong desire to get married, wander between different choices.
They suffer from gains and losses, never believe that the current one is the best choice, miss one opportunity after another in the continuous start and abandonment, and miss the most marriageable age if they are not careful.
Second, the heart is pessimistic, anxious, and does not believe that they deserve a good and intimate relationship
There are three basic assumptions in our hearts: one for the world, second for humanity, and third for ourselves.
These three assumptions can basically see the background of our life, whether it is pessimistic or optimistic, negative or positive.
What assumptions we have, what kind of inner feelings we will have.
If we assume that the world is safe and beautiful, that human beings are friendly and trustworthy, that we are lovely, valuable, and worthy of love, we will have more safer, peaceful, positive, and optimistic emotions in our hearts, and we will be more willing to explore the outside world and have more and richer experiences.
On the contrary, we feel insecure, anxious, negative, have more negative emotions, are easy to close ourselves off, and are not willing to explore the outside world more.
Some people are extremely inferior and timid in their hearts, they are sensitive and suspicious, pessimistic, often deny themselves, and do not believe in having a good intimate relationship.
Whenever faced with a new relationship, often before it has begun, it will deny itself with a skeptical attitude, which will eventually lead to failure and end.
Third, there is no way to get rid of the role of victim
The role of the victim is that he is not responsible for anything in his life, but only blames others and puts all the blame on others.
When the two meet and try to come together, their early experiences and family beliefs run out and play a role in each other's relationship.
Many men and women grow up in unhappy families, where parents often quarrel, treat their partners as "persecutors", see themselves as "victims", and complain to each other in front of their children.
This victim mentality and complex of parents can easily affect children and become the child's life pattern.
For example, when some women grow up, they have always had a mentality of complaining about the sky. After getting married, she worried all day that her husband would change his heart, and of course her husband lived up to her "expectations", fell in love with someone else, and divorced her.
Many men and women have a history of marriage and love deeply, but they have been emotionally deceived, betrayed, and even physically hurt and abused by each other.
For example, being beaten, cheated out of all their hard-earned money, and suffering major emotional trauma, they will be very desperate, lost, become "victims", and no longer believe in feelings.
And when faced with a new relationship, they still live in the shadow of the past, they are also full of distrust of their new partner, and they feel afraid and powerless about marriage.
They even compare the former to the current, so it is more difficult to be happy.
Guangzhou heard about the conclusion of psychological counseling:
If the man and woman in the relationship have fully been loved, affirmed, and able to grow freely in their growth, they may develop a good ability to adapt.
So in their relationship, it will be much easier to get along.
Because they have enough security experience in their hearts as a foundation, this can help them have the ability to tolerate each other's differences, trust each other's emotions, and thus establish a more stable relationship in each other's relationships.
But not everyone is so lucky, many people who grow up with trauma, when they have relationships with people, there will be all kinds of confusion,
These confusions of theirs will lead them to various confusions when they get along with others, and these confusions will often unknowingly destroy each other's relationships.
To establish a positive and healthy relationship or marriage relationship, either find a partner who is full of inner security and loves you very much and tolerates you, who can withstand all your insecurities, and then under the security care of TA for many years, you slowly change;
Or through a certain period of professional psychological counseling, heal past trauma and re-establish your inner security.