Many times we feel that a person is very good on the outside, has a successful career, treats people kindly, and is also considerate and gentle when they first dating, but once they fall in love with them, live together for a long time, and have a deep relationship, there will be a lot of unreasonable behavior, causing love or marriage problems.
Each of us has grown up with various traumas, and many times these traumas have also made us who we are now.
But when a person enters a deeper intimate relationship, all kinds of trauma that cannot be exposed in ordinary interpersonal relationships will be slowly exposed, and various strange behaviors will occur.
This phenomenon is saying that he feels that the relationship is safe enough that he wants to repair the wounds of his early years through this relationship.
It's an unconscious process.
And both partners, when the intimate relationship is deeper, this kind of thing will be more and more, and the intimate relationship will become very difficult at this stage. Our general feeling is that when we are in love, how can a good person really deal with it for a long time, and there are so many unreasonable strange problems, he is worse than ordinary people to me.
At certain times, he is indeed more evil to you than ordinary people, will be inexplicably angry with you, will have unreasonable expectations for you, will have incomprehensible demands on you, and sometimes you will feel that he is as unreasonable and unresponsible as a child.
In fact, intimacy is a deep communication, and trauma that cannot be touched in ordinary relationships is easily touched in intimate relationships. Because intimacy is safe, trauma can be triggered.
If the trauma is repaired in the intimate relationship, the relationship continues to move forward, otherwise, secondary trauma is likely to occur in the intimate relationship.
This is also why many people tend to repeat their mistakes in love or marriage, because their trauma is still there and has not been repaired to allow themselves to grow.
Moreover, inner wounds are not so easy to repair, and new behaviors are not achieved overnight.
Even for the most psychologically strong person, the process of changing old behaviors and establishing new behaviors can bring her psychological conflict anxiety, and for those who are not psychologically balanced, this process is more painful, and it often takes ten times more hard to move forward.
This is why many people find it difficult to change each other in a relationship or marriage, and the parties also find it painful to change.
This requires professional psychological counselors to guide clients to see their own problems and accompany clients to grow up. Changing the client's cognition is like convincing an inner child that requires patience, understanding, and companionship, and slowly internalizing the correct cognition into the visitor's heart.