Everyone is talking about "emotional value", hoping to get along with the person who provides emotional value in the relationship, or become the person who provides emotional value.
Emotional value refers to a person's ability to bring comfortable, pleasant, and stable emotions to others, and can catch the negative emotions of others.
Some people believe that emotional value is the core ability in love. Some couples will break up because the other party can't give them emotional value, and some think they provide too much emotional value but don't get anything in return.
But when we try to provide "emotional value" in intimate relationships, we find that sometimes willingness alone is not enough.
When our other half has negative emotions, such as depression, anxiety, and low emotions, how should we face it if we want to provide emotional value?
01
Should you "take it all" from the other person's emotions?
Danny:
The teammate is a doctor, often in a high-pressure work state, dealing with all kinds of complicated medical work. I was in a relationship for the first time and had no experience, so I often went online to learn some dating skills.
It is said on the Internet that a good relationship is that the partner can provide emotional value and catch ta's negative emotions.
It just so happens that recently, due to the impact of the epidemic, his teammates have a lot of unnecessary things at work, which has caused him to be very irritable and easy to have an emotional breakdown.
I learned to provide "emotional value," comfort and accompany him, and listen to him talk about troubled things. Maybe he really has too many troubles at work, and the dating time that is hard to squeeze out for a month is talking to me; Outdoor activities have also decreased a lot, and he says he is already tired.
I tried my best to tolerate him, but my own life was a mess, and I wanted to tell him about my worries, but I was afraid that it would increase his pressure.
The short time spent with each other is no longer relaxed, but full of various negative emotions. What should I do? What should I do if I don't want to make a relationship so tiring?
When a close person is in trouble, we naturally want to help TA and become TA's support.
But the premise of this is that we can take care of ourselves. In either relationship, "I" should not fall victim to "us."
In addition, a relationship that can provide emotional value should be when both parties can catch each other's negative emotions and provide them together, rather than one party providing and the other absorbing.
The relationship is like a container in which we can present our negative emotions; But what holds this container should also be held up by both parties.
Relying on one person to lift up the emotions of two people will only continuously consume the energy of one party and become a burden.
In intimate relationships, it should not be "me" or "you" who "accept everything" for emotions, but "we", and it should be "we" who digests and solves together.
If you find that in an intimate relationship, there are always some pressures in other areas of your life that cause disharmony in the relationship, maybe it's time to talk about it.
Refer to the practice of "stress reduction talk" in the field of couple therapy:
The two choose a time together, fix it, and then spend 20~30 to talk. The conversation can talk about anything you want to talk about, except your relationship.
During the conversation, there are a few core principles to follow:
First, sharing should be mutual, and the two take turns to share.
Second, in the process of sharing, understanding precedes suggestions. Believe that the other person is an independent adult and that they have the ability to solve the problems they are currently experiencing, but now they need your support, and our role is to provide support. Vice versa.
Third, listen attentively. Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying and empathize with the other person's feelings.
Fourth, be with TA. Express a consistent attitude to the outside world, even if you think the other person's point of view is not reasonable, do not need to be judged. Stand with them, support them, and let them know that you are facing this problem together.
02
The other half is emo, can I still be happy? What to do if you feel guilty about your happiness?
"The other half is sad, and I'm still laughing at the funny short video, isn't it a little bad?" Similar problems, in the relationship of many couples, there are always people who are troubled by this...
Small fish:
My boyfriend has been suffering from depression, anxiety and insomnia for a long time, and at first I could patiently accompany and comfort him, but after a long time, I began to dare not share my happy things with my boyfriend.
Even when you are happy, you will feel guilty, feel that you should not be happy, and feel powerless and self-blamed for not being able to help your boyfriend, and don't know what to do.
The moon is cloudy and sunny, and people will also have ups and downs. Our partner is in a low mood and we want to solve problems for our partner, which is a natural response.
At the same time, emotions are also contagious because they are close to each other and easily influenced by each other's emotions.
Sometimes I even feel very anxious and feel that I should do something to make my partner better; When your partner is unhappy, you shouldn't be happy.
But in fact, this is a vague emotional boundary, taking the partner's emotions as their own responsibility, because if the partner is unhappy, he is not qualified to be happy.
In intimate relationships, it is important to draw boundaries for emotions.
We can talk to our partner about our emotions, we can express sympathy and support to our partner, and empathize with them, but no one needs to feel guilty about each other's negative emotions.
On the contrary, feeling that you are responsible for your partner's negative emotions actually carries the meaning of distrusting your partner, feeling that your partner cannot be responsible for your emotions and cannot digest your emotions, so you need your help.
And this can make the partner feel that he or she is weak in the relationship, or even feel incompetent, which can make the partner feel uncomfortable.
And you who will feel guilty about not being able to make your partner happy, in fact, you need to explore the reasons for your self-blame.
Many times, the negative emotions of the partner are not aimed at you, they just need to have an outlet to vent their emotions, and we need more to accompany it.
And behind the self-blame you feel, do you hide the expectation that you want your partner to be useful, and whether you associate your usefulness with your partner's "love me"; Do you have the high requirements of being the perfect partner and perfect yourself?
These expectations and thoughts may make you feel powerless and frustrated when you see that your partner has not been able to get better, and you may even anger your partner, feel that you have done so much how the other party is still unhappy, and feel that the other party is not good.
But if we can see these thoughts behind our self-blame, we may be able to understand that our powerlessness and frustration should be handled by ourselves, and it has nothing to do with our partner.
This also requires us to draw emotional boundaries in intimate relationships, but be more responsible for our partner's emotions, and do not throw our emotions on our partners and ask each other to be responsible.
In an intimate relationship, not only will each other's feelings be involved, but there will also be pressure from elsewhere to affect the relationship. How to deal with it affects the quality of intimacy.
If you feel that it is difficult to deal with each other and there are too many troubles in the relationship, you may be able to seek professional help and try psychological counseling to improve the quality of intimate relationships and make love last.
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