Media: "Partner" magazine, March 2022, Issue 514, P56 "Marriage Clinic"
Expert of this issue: Pan Liwen, senior psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor, member of Guangdong Psychological Society.
Ms. Chen's consultation:
The husband's biggest drawback is that he does not like to tidy and does not want to do housework, as if he can survive in the garbage heap.
And I am a person who likes to be tidy, and every time I come home from work and see my husband making a mess in the house, my heart is very angry.
The two often quarreled over this, but after the quarrel, he still went his own way. Although we worked together to set the rules for sharing household chores, he was still perfunctory and lazy, which disappointed me again and again.
What should I do in the face of such a scruffy and lazy husband?
Guangzhou heard about the interpretation of Senior Counseling Center Senior Counseling Center Pan Liwen:
Some people are more lazy, have a high psychological tolerance for the dirty, messy, and poor environment, and do not take small steps in life, and focus their main energy on other affairs.
And some people have relatively high requirements for cleanliness in their hearts, and everything needs to be orderly and orderly, and it is difficult to tolerate dirty, messy, and poor.
Husband and wife originally come from two different families, living environment, way and habits must be different, when living together, the partner's dirty, messy, poor often makes the person who loves cleanliness feel crazy, resulting in conflicts and contradictions.
In the face of such disputes, how to solve and adapt?
First, it is necessary to see clearly the essence, discuss things on a case-by-case basis, and not escalate contradictions.
In life, many couples have disputes over family chores such as household chores, economic expenses, and children's education.
It's not all about "right" versus "wrong," fairness or not, but about the family's sovereignty—who has more say in setting house rules and determining their lifestyles.
The husband does not like to be tidy, perhaps because his hygiene is really bad and unbearable for anyone; Or maybe your requirements are too high and beyond what he can do, and you unconsciously want to make your own house rules and make him obey your arrangements. When his behavior doesn't meet your requirements, you find it hard to accept.
After seeing the truth, once a conflict occurs, you don't need to let the other party blindly obey you, let alone let the small conflict break the foundation of your relationship.
The second is to communicate well, understand each other, and accept tolerance.
Understand that cleanliness does not equal comfort. Some people feel that the home is spotless and things are placed in an orderly manner to feel refreshed; And some people may feel that the home is too tidy but has no breath of life...
In fact, proper tidiness can improve comfort, excessive tidiness will make people feel uncomfortable, bound, difficult to relax, naturally there is no comfort.
The family is a world of two people, consider the common needs of both parties for the environment, and do not substitute their own ideas for each other's. Only with understanding can there be understanding, and understanding can there be tolerance.
In the face of your husband's untidy and difficult to perform housework, you may wish to communicate frankly with your husband, let him understand your feelings, and eliminate his inner resistance; And you must also understand the cleanliness of your husband's native family and his requirements for comfort, and tolerate his inertial needs.
The third is to find a balance, make adjustments, and work together.
Couples come from different families, and naturally have different needs for life patterns and family environments after marriage. This requires the two to grind and adjust each other, change each other a little, create a new life model, so that the needs of both parties are balanced, so that family conflicts will be greatly reduced.
If the lifestyles of two people are too different to integrate in a short period of time, then they can first carve out their respective territories and public areas, and deal with different situations with different rules, so that everyone can feel their own power and protect their own interests.
In such a family environment, each other can feel respect, freedom and tolerance, and the relationship between husband and wife is more harmonious.
The fourth is to create a good family environment and help each other grow.
People can grow and change to a certain extent, the key is whether there is a good environment that can promote his better growth.
If one party wants the other to be diligent, positive reinforcement techniques can be used to give positive reinforcement.
For example, every time the husband does something that is beneficial to the cleanliness of the family, the wife will give him a warm response in time, so that he feels that he has done a good job, has a sense of achievement and value, which will increase his psychological motivation to clean.
In short, most of the conflicts in marriage can be solved, if the contradictions between the husband and wife accumulate too much to effectively communicate and resolve, you can seek the help of a professional marriage counselor in time to make the marriage develop in a favorable direction.
Liwen Pan
· Hear about it, Senior Counselor of the Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Sandbox game consultant
· Family education psychological instructor
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Member of the Standing Committee of the Health Communication Self-media Alliance of Guangdong Medical Association
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