It can happen to any of us: one day, while you're still dealing with your own business, and then your ex contacts you. Whether it's via SMS, WeChat, or face-to-face, this run-in can make the conversation super awkward, depending on how you handle it. (Recently, you can often see this kind of video in short videos, and I hope it will be helpful to everyone.) ）
Whether both parties decide to break up or you end the relationship on an unpleasant note, the fear you feel is real as you try to figure out how to continue.
What do you do when your ex suddenly contacts you?
Try to think about how it will affect you
Think about why you want to talk to them
It can be a super painful experience, a relationship that can be closed or begin to reignite. Before responding, think about what you want from the communication and how it will affect you.
"Know that you're not obligated to respond," Meg Josephson said.
"Often, old relationships come with old wounds and unanswered questions. If you feel that connection might bring you all this and threaten your hard-earned happiness, give it up! The amazing thing about leaving the relationship is that you are only responsible for doing what works for you, without considering their feelings. ”
If you're dating someone, you should consider how your partner feels.
Think about it so it doesn't jeopardize your current relationship.
If you're single, you probably won't hesitate to respond to your ex right away, but if you're already in a new relationship, it's also important to consider how your partner feels.
If you're in a relationship, think about how your partner would react when they knew you were reaching out to an ex? I also found it helpful to imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and your partner connected with a long-ended ex. There's nothing like role swapping to stop you from responding impulsively.
Keep your reactions easy
You can never really know why they are contacting you.
You may be tempted to put everything on the table when you're crafting your response, but experts say it's best to keep things easy at the beginning — especially if you don't know what their intentions are.
"If your relationship is basically healthy but ends due to bad timing, different life paths at the time, reasons for life events, etc., then being open to that exposure can be a comfortable and right move," says Tony Coleman, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator.
"If that's the case, keeping your reflexes relaxed and open-ended is the best move. to get more information and understand why they are contacting you now. This way you can gather information before making any assumptions or saying anything you might regret. ”
Don't rush to respond, build friendships, or get back together
You don't need to be friends right away. No matter how you decide to approach the connections you've already made, don't rush them. You'll most likely come back to the person, or at least become good friends with them, depending on how things go. But don't rush to respond or decide what the relationship between the two of you is. "That didn't help the situation.
"If you're planning to reconnect with your ex, be clear about what you want from rebuilding a friendship or relationship, and don't let your ex make you feel guilty about setting boundaries and limits on how you interact with them. It's okay to let them know that you're not interested in rebuilding relationships. ”
1. Be open and honest with them
Don't try to hide your true feelings. No matter how the conversation goes, make sure you are open and honest from the start. No matter how you want to talk about it, making sure both sides are on the same side can only be a good thing.
2. Be careful of getting caught up in a "yo-yo" relationship
Breaking up and getting back together doesn't have to be romantic. Whirlwind romance may seem like a good thing, but don't get caught up in a disjointed relationship. "Our culture romanticizes the relationship of discord, like Ross and Rachel [the Friends characters]," says Hayden Lindsay, MD.
"However, our best research shows that these yo-yo relationships have a negative impact on mental health and overall well-being." There are valid reasons to try again after a breakup, but if you always find yourself in this push-pull state, neither of you is getting the love and cherishing you deserve. ”
If you really want to get back together, there must be a good reason
This is possible, but there are some factors to consider.
If the ex has contacted you and seems intent on getting back together, there are some situations where you can accept it, but it all depends on where your initial relationship went.
"If the ex reaches out, in some cases, it's perfectly appropriate to consider the idea of compounding," Erica Gordon, founder of Baby Report, told Insider. "For example, if you're breaking up with them because you're going through a tough time for personal reasons or health reasons, and you're in a much better position right now, it's perfectly fine to agree to meet your ex. Perhaps your healthier mindset will allow the relationship to develop this time. ”
1. Think about whether you're misleading them
Don't give them the impression that if they don't, they still have a chance. If they want to get back together with you and let you know that and you don't, make sure communicating with them doesn't hurt them.
"It's also possible that you don't care about your ex-boyfriend anymore and your ex-boyfriend cares about you. In this case, any type of communication can give your ex the impression that there is still a chance," says Dr. Benjamin Ritter, "If your ex still wants to stay in a relationship with you, then you can't commit, especially if you're dating someone else."
2. Don't expect the magic of "the end."
One of the most common reasons to reconnect with an ex is to "break up," but few people really understand this when talking to an ex. "You will realize that you rarely get what people call the "holy grail" (the Holy Grail), and the only thing that can give you an end is yourself and time. People have a whole bunch of reasons to want to contact an ex, and sometimes, they don't even fully understand why they want to contact an ex. ”