"To dare to set limits is to have the courage to love yourself, even if we may disappoint others." - Brown Blyn
I've been dating for ten years straight.
Dating can be fun and exciting, but it can also come with a lot of disappointment and emotional pain. All these rejections, disappearances and dashed hopes had a huge impact on me.
They make me feel tired and heartbroken. Probably because I date too much, but also because I don't do much to protect myself and my energy in these dating adventures.
A lot of men who don't suit me I will say yes because I don't want to be single. To maintain the relationship, I will do something that I don't fully agree with. In order not to feel lonely, I sacrifice my values and ideals. I got it all too easily for men. I didn't realize the power of rejection in dating.
I lost faith in love. I lost my confidence and self-esteem. It took me a while to realize that this was unhealthy; But in the end, I did.
One day, I understood that the price paid was too high to be worth it. I am losing myself – the most important person in my life. I betrayed myself. I failed my needs and desires.
The pain I experienced during those dating years was the biggest catalyst for my transformation, as often happens in life. We want to avoid pain at all costs, but pain gives us the strength to make tough decisions and the motivation to make radical changes in our lives.
In fact, I am thankful for all my painful experiences. They helped me wake up. They helped me re-evaluate the way I approach dating and relationships.
They helped me gain power and start respecting myself more in order to find a man who would respect me.
It was this pain that helped me stop compulsive dating and find a better way. One day, I had enough. I'm ready to do something else.
I took a break and rediscovered myself.
During these months, I reviewed all my previous relationships, all the people I dated and the men I had attracted.
It doesn't look good. But honesty brings clarity, and clarity gives us the opportunity to make some decisions.
I've made a lot of changes in my life and made a lot of commitments to myself, but one thing stood out to me.
My boundaries for dating are too weak. That's why I create so many heart-wrenching things in dating and love life. That's why I lose myself in love.
I was too accommodating, too compromised, and allowed myself to lose power.
Because of the unclear boundaries, I allowed myself to stay in an abnormal relationship for too long. I attract men who can't give me what I want. I will accept the things in love that I hate and ask for more. I never defended myself. When I wanted to say no, I never said it. I would ignore red flags and never challenge men who were bad for me.
I need to start valuing and respecting myself more. I've found that the best way to do that is to strengthen my boundaries.
This decision changed my dating experience on many levels. In fact, it changed my love life.
I learned to say "no" on a date, and I said "no" to many, many men before I was able to say yes to my current partner.
I became more picky and cautious when choosing a date.
I have zero tolerance for men who play mind games, are reluctant to commit, and just want to have some fun and men who are inconsistent, indecisive and disrespectful to me.
This is very helpful to me.
I believe that after ten years of aimless dating, I found the true love of my life because I made clear my non-negotiable and conscientiously stuck to them no matter what happened.
To help you understand where your boundaries are, I'll start by explaining what boundaries are.
Simply put, boundaries are the boundaries you set for yourself in dating, relationships, and life. Something you are not willing to tolerate, endure, accept, or compromise. Your boundaries are your rules! I can also call them non-negotiable interchangeably.
Some signs of a weak boundary are:
Giving and pleasing others excessively
Say yes when you want to say no
Get lost in a relationship
Over-promise
Prioritize others at the expense of your own happiness
Compromise, accommodate and justify him
Accept less than you deserve
Feelings of dissatisfaction are taken for granted
Your boundaries have several important roles in dating. They protect your personal space, your values, and your sense of self. Weak boundaries can make you vulnerable, likely to be taken for granted by others, or even abused.
Five reasons why you need to have strict boundaries
1. They protect you
Without healthy boundaries, you will often be harmed. You will allow people who have no sincere purpose into your life and whose pursuits are different from yours. Setting limits allows the right people to come into your life.
You need to determine what you want, what's good for you, and what kind of partner you want to attract. You need to start rejecting people who don't have the qualities you want. Otherwise, you'll waste a lot of time on dating and casual relationships. Not to mention how much heartache you will experience. You need strong boundaries to protect your heart.
2. They communicate your value
People with clear boundaries exude more confidence and self-esteem; Therefore, they are more attractive. Setting limits shows how much you love yourself and value yourself. They help you attract the right people – people who value and respect what you do.
The lack of boundaries often makes people feel unworthy and unloving. Boundaries tell people how you want others to treat you, based on what you think you're worthy. They can also help others understand how you want to be valued and respected.
3. They save you time, energy, and sanity
Your boundaries can help others know what they think of you and what your expectations are. For example, in dating, when you know what is acceptable to you and what you can't tolerate, and you openly express it to your potential date, certainly at the right time, in a non-pushy way, you give people a chance to decide whether they will respect your boundaries.
If they don't, they'll quickly disappear from your life, which will save you time and energy. Maybe you'll thank them because they're too much trouble for you. Instead of wasting time on the wrong people and relationships, you'll move quickly and open up to more suitable dating opportunities.
4. They empower you
Boundaries help you respect yourself, help you respect your needs, help you take responsibility for your own well-being, help you become more confident, and help you stand firmly on your side.
When you start to be more mindful of your boundaries and start saying no to things or situations that don't help you or drain your energy, you start setting healthy limits for appointments, work, and relationships. You'll start to feel proud of yourself. You will feel empowered. You'll feel more in control of your life.
5. They help you love and respect yourself
Nothing embodies self-love more than having healthy boundaries. Your boundaries reflect how much you love and value yourself.
When you express your boundaries, you let others know that you know who you are. You let them know what interests you the most, and you're not willing to compromise on what's important in your life. To set limits is to love yourself and respect yourself. When you do this, you will be loved and respected by others.
How to strengthen your boundaries
1. When you feel you should say no, start saying no
We often say yes to things we don't want to do, or things we don't have the time and energy to do. We want to be polite and make others happy. We do this so as not to be rejected or lose the relationship. But at the same time, we are unkind to ourselves and make ourselves miserable.
Focus more on your daily routine and start observing how often you say yes to things you want to say no. After a while, when you really want to say no, start really saying no.
Saying "no" is the ultimate act of self-love. Saying "no" is an empowerment. When you start saying "no," you'll feel happier, your relationships will improve, and your self-esteem will be boosted because you'll respect yourself!
Answering "no" doesn't need to be rigid. You can say "no" in a loving way.
Here are some examples:
Let me think about it
I'm not quite ready yet
Thanks, but that doesn't work
I'm not sure if I really need it now
I prefer not to go
I don't think now is the time for me
I'm fine with this now
I can't promise that now
2. Start noticing why you say yes
Any behavior that pleases others, whether out of guilt or worry, or because you want to avoid conflict, is incongruous. Start saying yes only to things that serve you, bring you joy, joy, or happiness, or align with you and your values in the first place. Often, when you say yes to something that doesn't feel exactly a "yes," it's actually a "no."
Here are a few questions you can use to determine if your responses are consistent:
When did you say "yes" when you wanted to say no?
What do you say "yes" to?
How are you feeling?
What do you want to refuse?
One thing to keep in mind: it's one thing to set your boundaries and know what they are. And to truly respect and insist on them is another. If you don't respect boundaries, then there is no point in having boundaries. If you don't respect them, neither will anyone else.
It can be difficult at first, but over time, they will make you feel great. In the beginning, you will feel scared – fear of rejection, fear of losing the relationship, fear of being considered rude, fear of hurting others.
But you need to know that it's not your responsibility to react and feel about your boundaries.
Your responsibility is to express your boundaries in the most loving way, not to accuse, blame and criticize. The best way to do this is to use "I feel..." just describe how you feel about the situation or the person, so it's more about yourself than the recipient.
Healthy boundaries can help you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They help you respect your needs, feelings, and desires. They help you eliminate the drama and emotional pain of dating. They help you build healthy relationships with others.
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You have the ability to set the tone for the quality of your dating and every relationship in your life, and that just requires you to set some healthy boundaries in the right places.