He Suohuan, a writer of sexual affective psychology, writes love stories, interesting strangers, and material knowledge.
In intimate relationships, there are always people who fall into a misunderstanding:
"As long as I give enough, he will definitely accept me"
"As long as I give more, he will love me more and more"
In fact, the more you give, the more you give, it is easy to have a bad effect.
In matters of feelings, pay attention to "balance".
Overgive, you will get tired, and the other party will feel stressed;
Pay less, you feel comfortable, but the other person will feel uneasy.
So, it's important to find a balance.
In the process of getting along with the opposite sex, how to make your "giving" meaningful?
Overgiving may not bring love, but may also be "pressure"
In psychology, the giving in feelings is divided into 3 categories:
Give unconditionally, self-sacrificing, and give with reservations.
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The first category: giving unconditionally
No matter where our relationship goes, no matter what problems or differences arise between us, I will definitely put your interests and gains and losses first.
For example, parents often say to their children: "It doesn't matter if we eat or not, you can eat well when you are full." ”
In an intimate relationship, it becomes:
You and your partner both want to achieve their career, but someone has to give up.
So in order to fulfill your partner, the person who gives up is you.
"Abandon yourself and perfect each other".
"For me, you are the most important, you are first, and I am behind you".
What is the impact of this effort?
After over-squeezing self-worth and self-neglect for a long time, you will find that you have already become a "flattering personality".
People's personalities and behavior patterns will be accompanied by small things and have a subtle impact.
If you are always a "giver, despise yourself" in an intimate relationship, for a long time, you will completely disrespect your own needs.
Thus evolved into:
In dealing with anyone, you are used to considering the feelings and gains and losses of others, and giving up the benefits you deserve.
If a relationship requires you to work so hard and embarrassed to love;
That is enough to show that the other person does not love you enough.
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The second category: self-sacrificing giving
The most typical case: "Titanic"
Jack and Ruth, after the ship sank, the two of them had only a plank beside them.
Faced with a life-and-death decision, Jack gives up the chance to live and fulfills Ruth.
He kept Ruth alive: "With my love, with our unfinished life to live well." ”
For Jack, he paid for self-sacrifice, and the price was his life.
For Ruth, he gets the opportunity to live, but what he pays is a lifetime of memories and love.
Two choices, two gives, two endings.
The living may not be happy, true love will live in memories, guilt and torment all its life;
Such love is also a kind of shackles.
What impact does self-sacrificing giving have on feelings?
For a long period of self-sacrifice, the pressure will be greater than love.
Under normal circumstances, how does a person react after making self-sacrifice for love?
He will ask for credit.
It's like parents saying to their children:
"We have given a lot for you"
"Although we have no money, we have given you the best, and you can't let us down".
People who make sacrifices will say to their partners:
"For you, I have given my most precious thing, you can't be sorry for me."
"I am willing to sacrifice everything for you, even my life, my life."
Feelings to this point, screwed.
The love you bring to the other person is far less than the pressure the other person feels.
It's like a graph.
What you give, in the early stages of your relationship, will quickly push your relationship to the top;
But as you give more and more, he feels the love decrease, and then the pressure rises.
There is another possibility here:
What you pay is not what the other party wants, which is what we often call "invalid giving".
"There is a cold, it is your mother who thinks you are cold"
"There is a love that you feel he needs"
In fact, this kind of giving is: not standing in the other person's point of view and considering the needs of the other party.
What is this likely to lead to?
For example:
The wife leaves work early, returns home to make a table of food, and waits for her husband to come home and eat together.
But she waited until 10 p.m. for her husband to come home.
She asked her husband: "Why did you go home, come home so late, and don't reply to messages?" ”
The husband said: "I am working overtime and want to call you to say, the mobile phone is dead. ”
The wife was dissatisfied with her husband's silence, and even more dissatisfied with his eating in the company restaurant;
And the husband feels that his wife is inconsiderate of himself and does not understand that he will work late every third and fifth.
Thus, contradictions arise.
If you give something that the other party does not need, such a payment is invalid.
He wants to eat oranges and you buy him a box of apples because you like apples.
This is your need, not his need.
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The third category: giving with reservations
In other words:
It's sane, weighing the pros and cons.
Such efforts can better manage relationships and marriages, but they lack the appearance of love itself.
But life and feelings are sometimes "contradictory".
If you want to immerse yourself in the love experience, you have to endure the occasional difficult fit, and you have to endure that the more you give, the lower the feelings.
You want a sane, stable, reliable long-term relationship, and you should give it that way.
It is not necessary to pay much, but it must be suitable for the other party;
It's not just you who give, but you have to guide the other party to give you back;
Every effort you make is effective and can get timely praise and recognition from the other party.
What is the good giving and getting along pattern?
Your efforts can not only make the other party feel satisfied, happy, but also make you feel happy;
If effort becomes pressure, and effort becomes "boxed" work, then the relationship itself deteriorates.
Today's Topic:
What type of giving are you in a relationship?
(Article with picture source network)