Source丨Ten Points Reading (ID: duhaoshu)
When you reach middle age, are you still happily married?
When asked this question, many people may be stunned at once.
Say no, there is no quarrel every day, there is no divorce, the economic situation is also acceptable, it should be satisfied;
But I can't say anything:
Partnering to eat, sleep, swipe mobile phones, connect kisses and that thing have become routine formulas;
Although I slept in the same bed at night, I thought about different things, and the most I said was "help me charge my phone" and "You pressed my hair";
I really couldn't bear it, and told the other party that he was unhappy, but he looked at it coldly, as if it was something that happened to a stranger...
Obviously the closest lover, but gradually became the "most familiar stranger".
There is no obvious irreconcilable contradiction, but the two are polite like colleagues, like roommates, like relatives.
But it's not like a lover.
Today we will talk about a new marriage model that has emerged in modern marriage families:
Pseudosexual intimacy.
This is a concept that stems from psychology.
It means that the relationship between two people is not obvious on the surface, or even intimate;
But it is always in a shallow state, lacking true honesty and acceptance, and lacking sincere dedication to the other party.
Use "formal intimacy" to escape inner proximity.
"Talk about anything, just don't talk about your heart."
There are many reasons for forming pseudosexual intimacy, let's first look at the three categories that appear the most:
Burnout pseudointimacy, traumatic pseudointimacy, and dependence-symbiotic pseudointimacy.
Two days ago, I saw a post from a wife on the Internet:
Married for five years, no cheating, no domestic violence, no contradictions, but I want to divorce...
Two years before marriage, her relationship with her husband was normal, but just after the third year, the marriage became step-by-step and without waves.
In the eyes of outsiders, they are extremely matched.
The husband works decently, pays his salary monthly, has no bad habits, and goes home on time after work;
The wife is gentle and caring for the family, filial to the elders, and takes good care of everything in the family.
But the real situation is known only to them.
When I come home from work, there is no communication other than normal conversation.
It's so quiet that you can hear a needle drop.
You can't even quarrel if you want to.
"Sometimes, I was wronged outside, so angry that I cried alone, and I couldn't wait for his comfort."
"I know that the two of us have already reached a certain tacit agreement, each doing our own thing, and not interfering with each other."
But she still has expectations for her marriage and for the person in front of her.
She didn't want to live as a tool in marriage.
"It was like, I was playing the role of a wife, and he had to play the role of a good husband."
She comforted herself that maybe this is the three-year itch of marriage, and maybe most marriages end up like this:
Superficial couple, but actually roommates.
This is called "burnout pseudo-intimacy".
Marriage degenerates to the point where only the "contract function" remains, completely losing the emotional and emotional flow that it should have.
The essence of this illusion of intimacy is relationship burnout.
Frankly speaking, this is not something that humans can control, and it can even be said that it is a weakness of human nature.
Over time, the hormones that produce love are reduced, and people's concentration of feelings will irrevocably recede little by little.
And before the new emotional dynamics appear, based on the "bondage" of marriage, the two people in the relationship will appear "superficially intimate":
Only practice the responsibility of partnering, but refuse any deep communication and empathy.
Marriages become "blown-out".
Reader Kiki shared with us "getting along with her husband" in the background.
It can be called an encounter between the wrong family.
Every time she finds out that her husband has a problem, she will activate her attack mode.
For 6 years, so that the people around me have long been accustomed to it.
For example:
Once, my husband went out to socialize, arrived home late, and got drunk.
The anger in Kiki's heart was ignited.
"Look what time it is, you still know to come back, don't come back next time."
The husband retorted: "How stressful my work is, don't you know, I only know how to swear." You see what you've become now. ”
It went back and forth, and it was a whole night of arguing.
But the next day, the two of them went to their own shifts like nobodies.
Others always say that they are "beating is kissing, scolding is love", Kiki also tried to convince herself like this, but after every argument, the pain in her heart always tormented her.
She wanted to change, but she couldn't control herself.
Kiki consulted a psychologist, who told her:
In the face of your husband's drinking and late return, you may have wanted to say "I hope you can go home early, drink less alcohol, and pay attention to your health".
But as soon as the words came out, they turned into attacks and accusations.
Under the guidance of the counselor, Kiki talked about her childhood.
When she was a child, her mother treated her father like this, as long as her father made her dissatisfied with something, she immediately broke her mouth and cursed, and after scolding, she cried about her misfortune.
Kiki, who has been exposed to her since childhood, to some extent, replicates her parents' mode of getting along.
In her native family, she did not get much love from her parents, and when she grew up, she did not know how to manage her intimate relationship.
The counselor told her:
"You can try to express your true feelings to your partner instead of hurting them in a hurtful way."
Kiki also confided her thoughts from the bottom of her heart:
"I was worried about being rejected for real needs, which is why I used such a drastic negative way."
We see that in Kiki's intimate relationship, she has been using assumptions and defenses to suppress the true needs of her heart.
That's the underlying reason why the relationship is going wrong.
That is, "traumatic pseudo-intimacy".
In the book "False Intimacies", it is written:
"Anyone who struggles to emerge from an oppressive family atmosphere is extremely sensitive to the tricky issues of intimacy.
They manifest themselves as avoidance of intimacy, prolonged repression of emotions, anxious personality, and extreme unconfidence. ”
Because I was worried that I would not be able to be loved, I simply wrapped myself up.
Turn into a hedgehog.
And when the partner tries to touch each other's true heart again and again, but is pierced again and again, false intimacy begins.
In fact, we often say that a good intimate relationship can heal the wounds of the original family.
If you really love your partner, try to let your guard down, expose your heart, allow him to see your scars, and allow the other person to medicate your wounds.
Those original cracks can eventually become places where the sun shines in.
Colleague Tudou also shared an emotional experience of his own:
Her husband is 4 years younger than her, has average work ability, stays at home at every turn, and does not want to go to work.
Tudou feels that his salary is higher than her husband, and she is also older than her husband, and it is understandable to take care of him.
As long as the two love each other well, it doesn't matter who spends whose money, so they always tolerate him with the mentality of a sister:
When in love, her boyfriend can't pay the rent, and she lets the other party live in her own home;
Later, her husband lost her job, and she took money to subsidize the other party;
When she gets married, her husband does not want to work, completely rots, and unscrupulously asks for money, and she is always satisfied.
In the end, he simply did not pretend.
As long as she is short of money, she sweetly coaxes the potatoes to be happy and let her meet her requirements.
But on the other hand, as long as the potato did not promise him once, he was extremely angry.
Potato teased himself:
"My husband is the same as paying to buy, as long as you top up in it, you can get a perfect and considerate husband, as long as you stop paying, your husband will start to have problems."
In the eyes of outsiders, this is a typical "strong woman and weak man", as long as both sides feel that there is no problem, then it will always pass.
But potatoes don't think so.
"We seem to have only interests, and there are very few emotional links."
In this relationship, the potato acts as the "provider" and the husband as the "taker".
When the requesting party becomes dependent on the resources of the provider;
And the party providing has no bottom line to condone the taker;
"Dependence-symbiotic pseudo-intimacy" is formed.
Unlike the previous two modes, this kind of pseudo-intimacy can be said to be done by both parties.
The two men are both murderers and accomplices.
One party asks for the other's resources, and the other relies on the other's emotional value.
But once one of the parties in the relationship has a new understanding of the self, wants a deep emotional desire.
Destined to feel painful.
John Bellman, Ph.D. in psychology, wrote in Just Want to Live Well with You:
"Not being close enough is the biggest problem for Chinese couples."
Harmony on the outside, fragmentation on the inside.
It's desperate.
To break the false intimacy in marriage, we need to practice several subjects.
The first is, understand;
Seeing your past trauma and real needs;
Also see the softness and fragility of the other person, as well as the most unknown side.
It takes a lot of emotional labor to understand others and to be known.
That's why we selectively evade and cover up, which is really easy and safe.
But as a result, you will fall into loneliness.
Try to talk to each other, talk about your childhood that you were not involved in, talk about each other's parents and family, talk about recent troubles or happy things at work, and talk about things that you dare not or are unwilling to do.
It's really hard to speak, and you can make an appointment together to do something that the other person likes to do, or something that has never been tried before.
When you're happy or excited, there's always a little more talking.
Only by knowing yourself well enough can you make a change;
Only by understanding the other person well can we prescribe the right medicine.
The second is, acceptance;
No one is perfect, we are all born with flaws.
And the other half we are looking for is "even if I see your flaws, I will think it is a flash".
When a person's truest appearance is accepted, that is the source of security.
Otherwise, the defense mechanism will always exist.
Either evade, or attack.
True love is when I have seen you as you really are, perhaps imperfectly, and still stand firmly with you.
The third is, response;
Intimacy is not a one-man show, but a dance of two people.
Without a response, even if a person holds great enthusiasm, he will eventually tire out.
And a good intimate relationship is to achieve a balance in the process of dealing with each other and you come and go.
So, the next time your partner complains or shows off to you, or even an "abnormality" in expression and behavior, be sure to remember to give some responses:
How, did you encounter any trouble?
Are you hungry? What to eat in a moment?
Bought new clothes? It's so pretty!
This will gradually create a virtuous circle, with more and more communication and more intimate relationships.
Finally, share;
Some people say that the desire to share is the best embodiment of loving someone.
When life loses its novelty day to day, sharing becomes a huge motivator in intimate relationships.
When a person shares their joys, sorrows and sorrows with the other person, they immediately activate the other person's emotional pump.
At this time, the two sides are not isolating each other, but establishing a connection.
Advanced intimacy is the integration of each other's experience, opinions, and cognition, and new growth in continuous collision.
(Maslow's hierarchy of needs) m
Psychologist Maslow once divided people's needs into five layers:
The highest level of physical needs, the need for security, the need to belong and love, the need to be respected, is self-actualization.
Our needs in intimate relationships, too, deepen over the years.
When our needs are not met, we need to face up to our problems and those of our partners and make changes in our actions.
Family Therapy Guru Minyuqing said:
An ideal family is actually a family with the ability to repair. No family is free of conflict and no problem.
But as long as the family has the ability to repair conflict and solve problems, then it is a good enough family.
In fact, every time a problem arises, it means that a need has not been seen and met.
And once these needs are repaired, run-in, and satisfied by us through communication and action.
The relationship will take it to the next level.
Love is never just a noun, it's a verb.
It requires us to use words and actions to take care of the inner garden of two people.
At the same time, love is also an ability, not born but also acquired.
In the continuous exploration, gradually from "me and you" to "we".
Author | Su Shanshu can't be reasonable, only tells stories. This article was first published at Ten O'Clock Reading (ID: duhaoshu), a national reading large number subscribed by more than 30 million people, please reply to "reprint" in the background of "Ten O'Clock Reading".
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Good class recommended
The powerful brain makes us accustomed to rational thinking and controlling emotions, but excessive suppression makes many people start to be anxious and depressed. The better, the more anxious.
Why, the body becomes a machine that only works? Life becomes like a pool of stagnant water? Why are we no longer full of passion and vitality like the ancients?
Perhaps we should go back to the beginning of life and look at the essence of dance - free expression, free dancing body in the field, and regaining that very simple, special essence of vitality.
A flower does not shy, a tree does not have the puzzle of dancing, we have forgotten ourselves for a long time ...
Then follow the modern dance master Gao Yanjinzi to dance, let go of the standard, let go of the stereotype, let go of all the constraints imposed on us, and express freely.
Rejuvenate and energize your body, this is what you want, and this is what modern dance is after.
Only by letting go of the brain can life fully open up. - Tsuko Gao
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Introduction: "Age is a Rumor" is a new collection of essays by writer Zhou Guoping after seven years of absence. The author has realized his life and shared his thoughts and interpretations with readers from different dimensions of spirit, self, life, culture, literature, reading, education and philosophy. More than 70 years of life wisdom has personally conveyed: age is a rumor, just as it does not exist, people live in the present, the current state is young, is young. No matter what age people are, there is only one thing they should do and can do, and that is to live every day.
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