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A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

Note: In recent years, a large number of older single women in the city have been emerging. Among them, the group of single women with high education has also been discussed and studied by researchers.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

Both the mate selection gradient theory and census data show that "women prefer to marry men with slightly higher educational background and social class status than themselves; Men, on the other hand, are more likely to choose women with slightly lower education and social class status."

Under this structure, what remains is the population at both ends of the social class, that is, the men in the lower and middle layers of the social pyramid and the women in the upper class. Despite their higher incomes and social status, single women in Kochi are still forced to equate with pejorative terms like "leftover women."

There are a large number of media reports on the consumption of "leftover women", and the marriage and romance research of older Kochi women also believes that it is generally difficult for highly educated women to marry, and they have fallen into the embarrassing situation of "high-knowledge and low-marriage". At the same time, the "reversal of the sex ratio in higher education" has led to more and more women having higher education and income.

Statistics from the Ministry of Education in 2015 show that there are nearly 70,000 more female master's students than male master's degree students in the country, and more than 970,000 more women than men in undergraduate students.

To sum up, on the one hand, the "high education" of Kochi women has become an obstacle to their entry into marriage, although the age of first marriage is delayed nationwide, but the delay in the age of first marriage of Kochi women is very significant, on the other hand, the further expansion of higher education has brought more single women.

The single women in Kochi referred to in this institute are women who have a master's degree or higher, are 27 years of age or older, are unmarried and have no children, and do not have a stable relationship. The basic information of the interviewees in this study is as follows.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable
A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

    The authors of this article, Hou Jing and Li Yuxin, teachers of the School of Sociology of Beijing Normal University, originally titled "The Tension between Tradition and Modernity: The Characteristics of Kochi's Single Women's Group from the Perspective of Individualization Theory", first published in China Youth Studies, Issue 8, 2020, on the occasion of Women's Day, the "Must Remember" was specially reissued for everyone to share.

            01

Characteristics of single women in Kochi:

Live for yourself

Education is an important factor in the formation of the Kochi single female community, and at the same time, the individualized characteristics are fully reflected in the Kochi single female group.

For single women in Kochi, education is undoubtedly a ladder to higher heights, and their career development, life situation, and marriage characteristics are also reflected accordingly.

First, single women in Kochi show an "enterprising self" in their career pursuit and development;

Second, single women in Kochi attach great importance to "the satisfaction of desires" in terms of material life such as consumption patterns and living conditions;

Third, single women in Kochi show independent and passive characteristics in social interaction and spare time; 

Fourth, in the balance between work and family, single women in Kochi can make compromises and sacrifices for their families, while saying that they will never give up their work to ensure their voice and security in the family.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(1) The pursuit of career goals: up the ladder

Due to the impact of the expansion of higher education, the proportion of women in higher education has increased significantly, and women's advantages in the field of education have gradually emerged, and their diligent and enterprising style in school has continued into the workplace.

Kochi single women are a good student who studies hard and is diligent in her studies, and after work, she is also a group that is enterprising, dedicated, motivated, and demanding of herself.

First of all, single women in Kochi are often dissatisfied with the status quo and are not satisfied with the work achievements they have achieved, and when they achieve a certain career goal, they choose to give up their current stable job and pursue a higher career goal that they like. They invest a lot of time and energy in their work, do their best to do their work perfectly, and hope to reflect their personal value as much as possible in their work, and not be left behind.

I myself am also a more hard-working person and more enterprising. Each stage has to have a new goal and something new to stimulate me, otherwise I will be sad if it has been a stagnant pool and nothing has changed. (B4)

Secondly, single women in Kochi tend to consider their personal interests when choosing a career, and if they find that the work they do does not match their interests, they will continue to pursue and achieve the career goals they are interested in through graduate school entrance examinations and other means.

Moreover, they will not choose jobs that pay more but do not like them, and will choose jobs based on their career interests at the expense of financial interests.

In fact, there will be a lot of worries and fears about the future, but I will still make such a choice now, and I will be more inclined to my own interests, for example, I will not choose a high salary now, but choose this small public welfare organization. (B10) 

As a result, single women in Kochi usually go through a process of changing jobs many times, or going to graduate school after work.

They know exactly what they want and are willing to put in the effort to pursue and achieve their career goals. Single women in Kochi want to prove their worth and ability at work because of their high education, and they work hard to achieve results in their work to prove that their education matches their ability and find confidence in their work.

When I first started working, I didn't know anything, but I would dive into the research and slowly I learned the rules. For example, when writing articles, I would read a lot of books and do copywriting training, and soon my writing would improve a lot, and what I wrote would really sell. I saw my achievements, and my confidence slowly found itself in my work. (B2)

It can be said that education on the one hand gives Kochi single women the ability to support their material life, and on the other hand, it also gives them the opportunity to constantly examine themselves and awaken women's consciousness, which is a very important prerequisite in the process of women's individualization.

In their career development, single women in Kochi follow their inner interests more and do the work they want to do and like to do, which fully reflects the individualized consciousness of "progressive self" and "living for themselves" in Kochi's career pursuit.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(2) Pay attention to the quality of life: the satisfaction of self-desire

The "self of desire" in the process of Chinese individualization ("Essential Book": Yan Yunxiang) is manifested in the group of single women in Kochi who attach more importance to the quality and taste of life.

They think that even if they are single, they must live their lives comfortably, experience the satisfaction of material life, and they want to live for themselves. The material life of single women in Kochi is mainly reflected in the way of consumption and the state of residence.

The average annual income of single women in Kochi in this study is about 100,000, which is basically at the middle-income level in first-tier cities such as Beijing and Shanghai. At this level of income, single women in Kochi still try their best to satisfy their desires.

Single women in Kochi express their pursuit and desire for material life very directly, and sometimes even if they are financially strained, they have to ensure their quality of life and make themselves comfortable.

For me, I sometimes feel that my day is quite tired, it is not easy, I want to eat a good meal, I should make up for this thing, clothes should be bought, I feel that I should buy basically not less, basically maintain a quality of life. (B10)

Now the quality of life requirements are higher, with the financial ability to feel that you can live a very comfortable life, such as doing that nail, I don't go to the store to do it on such a hot day, I will call a door-to-door service, how convenient. (A3)

In a big city like Beijing, where housing prices are high, it is difficult for single women in Kochi to buy housing independently, they usually share a two-bedroom apartment with others or rent a one-bedroom apartment alone, with an average rent of about 3,000 yuan.

The first thing I try to buy best is what I eat, and I think people's health is the most important thing. The second is the environment in which I stay, and I try my best to make sure that the place where I stay is the most comfortable. (B7)

I rent a house alone, the rent is about 3000 yuan a month, I met a boy on a blind date, the first time I met, I said how I live in such an expensive house alone, said how I bargained with the landlord, so that my rent is only 1200-1300 yuan, do I want to live with you after marrying you in that kind of poor house, that is unacceptable to me. (B8)

Single women in Kochi also want to have their own housing, and they also hope to improve their quality of life through marriage, so that they can have their other half to bear the pressure of housing and other life with themselves.

But if marriage does not improve their quality of life, or even makes their quality of life decrease, it is something they are unwilling to accept and choose.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(3) Social life and spare time: independent and passive undertones

The experience of higher education provides Kochi single women with a powerful mental energy that gives them a way to continuously improve themselves and realize themselves. At the same time, independence and autonomy are becoming more and more obvious. They know better what they want, and they always make unusually firm decisions about themselves.

For example, when I go to university, work after college, go to graduate school after work, and then look for a job, all of which I decide, and I basically didn't ask for the opinions of others. (B5)

I usually decide to do it myself, and then notify others when I decide, which sometimes makes the man feel uncontrollable. At that time, I was quite determined to resign, including when I went abroad, I just told my boyfriend at the time. (B7)

Educational experience has led to a clearer understanding of and self-esteem among single women in Kochi, and the "sense of individuality" in the private sphere has increased rapidly.

Some Kochi single women may live a "low-social staycation life", but they also enjoy spending time alone, reading books, watching dramas, cooking, or going hiking, skiing, traveling, sports, etc. alone to do things that interest them, while some Kochi single women will eat with friends, drink afternoon tea, karaoke, watch exhibitions, listen to lectures, etc.

In short, single women in Kochi have a strong ability to live independently, arrange their lives loosely, and their spare time life is not monotonous.

I rode through Qinghai Lake alone, and I rode around Qinghai Lake for 360 kilometers for three days. (B5)

It can be seen that single women in Kochi highlight the characteristics of "independent self" in terms of both self-development and amateur life.

However, single women in Kochi also show passive characteristics in social communication in general, they usually do not actively expand their social circle, and some Kochi single women's social circle is even somewhat narrow, limited to classmates, colleagues, or fixed with a few friends, it is not easy to quickly develop intimate relationships such as friendship or love with strangers.

In particular, they are more afraid or resistant to quickly entering intimate relationships with the opposite sex, and they show more passivity, withdrawal, and even cramped anxiety in front of the opposite sex, which is easy to cause a cold misunderstanding to the opposite sex. This has also led to the difficulty of single women in Kochi finding a suitable partner in marriage.

My senior sister said that I, the boy thinks you are too cold, the boy takes the initiative to chat with you every day, look at your lukewarm tone, you don't take the initiative to chat with others. But I didn't know how to take the initiative with people, and this matter was later stopped. My personality itself is very passive, including my relationship with my friends, most of whom actively contact me. (A4)

I never take the initiative to chat with boys, it is not natural in front of boys from childhood to adulthood, and when I talk to boys, I say a word, and I never take the initiative to talk to boys. (B1)

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(4) The interweaving of traditional femininity and individualized tendencies

The balance between family and career is a classic problem faced by working women.

On the one hand, single women in Kochi agree with the role positioning of traditional women, can accept the family division of labor "outside the male lead, inside the female lead", and are willing to take on more housework and take care of children, and if they have children, they express their willingness to make some compromises and sacrifices at work for the sake of their children, such as the possibility of doing relatively easy work that can take care of the family.

However, single women in Kochi want men to participate in housework together, especially in the education of children, they hope that both husband and wife will share the responsibility of educating children, and do not accept the current "widowed parenting" in some families, believing that this is not conducive to the healthy growth of children.

On the other hand, unlike traditional women, whose main role is in the family, single women in Kochi want to at least maintain a job that they can make a living, and they all say that they will never give up their careers for the sake of their families, and they believe that work ensures their economic independence and their voice in the family.

I definitely feel that career and family have to be juggled, but it should be impossible for me to give up my job, I will not sacrifice my family for a promotion, my bottom line is that when everyone leaves me, I still have a means to make a living. (B2)

Maybe your husband doesn't mind if you give up your job, but your mother-in-law will think you're like eating white food. If you have a job, you are confident, you have the right to speak in things at home, and you have to fight for a guarantee yourself, otherwise everything at home is at the mercy of others. (B1)

I am determined not to give up my job for the sake of my family, and I think women must be financially independent. Even if the income is not so high, there must be an income, which shows that I do not eat soft meals at home. (B10)

Single women in Kochi believe that independent economic ability is very important, and they are reluctant to give up their jobs for their families because career is not only a means of livelihood for women, but also an important factor in ensuring the right to speak in the family, and a way to self-realization, so when there is a conflict between family and career, not giving up their career is their bottom line.

It can be seen that in the process of balancing career and family, single women in Kochi not only embody the contribution of traditional female roles to the family, but at the same time interweave the modern characteristics of women's pursuit of career, equality and respect in the process of individualization.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

02

Marriage of single women in Kochi:

It's cold in high places

(1) Bottom-line thinking: rather lack than abuse

Coinciding with the single society in the United States described in "Single Society" ("must remember" note: Crinenberg), although Chinese single women actively choose to "not marry" are a very small minority, and maintain a minimum openness to intimate relationships, but at the same time firmly defend the bottom line - never "because of loneliness", and even ready for a person.

I won't compromise, I'm ready to do both now, if I meet it, of course, it's good, I won't settle without me, I'd rather be alone, we don't bend ourselves. (B2)

It cannot be ignored that more and more single women in Kochi can afford their single life, insist on meeting the "most suitable" person, desire to have a sincere relationship, they have enough economic ability and a strong spiritual world to support the principle of "not being lonely", and never compromise and give in, even if they retreat to live a single life.

Furthermore, the single female group in Kochi not only has a subjective desire to "be responsible for themselves", but also gradually has the ability to "take responsibility for themselves". They know better what they want in marriage, and they want to live for themselves, and they are not willing to compromise.

(2) Insufficient motivation for marriage: marriage as a "non-essential" marriage

Several single women in Kochi have invariably used "icing on the cake" to describe the meaning of marriage to themselves in interviews, the so-called "of course it's better to have it, it doesn't matter if you don't".

They believe that marriage is not a necessity of life, and the lack of motivation for marriage is another important reason why these Kochi women are single.

After a single woman in Kochi has a "good" social status, a material life, and a job that reflects her own value, the starting point for love and marriage is "Can it make my life better?" What they need more is the sense of support and intimacy of companionship in marriage, not just material improvement.

Whether or not to get married does not fundamentally change for me, it does not necessarily change for the better, so I do not have a particularly strong incentive to do this, marriage is not particularly important to me in life. (B5)

For single women in Kochi, in the case that both parties have considerable economic strength, more attention is paid to the emotional function of marriage, that is, the emotional support and companionship of both parties, and the "self of desire" in subjective individualization is also highlighted, compared with the function of the material survival of marriage, Kochi single women pay more attention to the emotional function of marriage.

As single women in Kochi become more and more capable of self-gratification, marriage becomes a "non-necessity", and their intrinsic motivation to enter marriage gradually weakens, and they believe that they can live without marriage, or even live well.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(iii) "Holding": special equal relationship between men and women

Single women in Kochi emphasize and value equality in gender relations, which is mainly reflected in the fact that both parties can respect each other's ideas, living habits, and private space, and be able to discuss and communicate together.

Unlike traditional women, who are overly dependent on men in marriage or love, single women in Kochi pursue equal relationships and emphasize that the other party can respect them after having a job that embodies their own value and provides material foundation.

However, this egalitarian relationship also carries certain characteristics of traditional gender roles, that is, single women in Kochi also often want men to "hold" themselves. The traditional nature of the relationship between the sexes embodied in "holding" is that boys are still in a relatively dominant position, and women hope that boys can control and control themselves, or "descend" women, and also need a sense of worship for men.

But the difference with the traditional gender relationship is that the current relationship between men and women is not completely strong men and women weak, men can be slightly stronger or similar to women, but men's conditions are much better than women in all aspects, but Kochi single women are unacceptable.

Boys and girls match, boys are slightly stronger than girls may be a social consensus, if he is similar to me, I think completely OK, or slightly worse than me, I also think OK does not matter, up and down should not be too big. (B8)

In other words, "holding" reflects the equal status of both parties in height, personality, aura, education, occupation, family background and other aspects, and is an equality that can fluctuate up and down.

Due to the superiority of men in the workplace and social status and the influence of traditional male power, in the ideal gender relationship of Kochi women, it is still more likely that men can be slightly better than themselves in all aspects.

However, Kochi's single woman's emphasis on equality between men and women in gender relations shows that modern marriage and family have become individualized, and its ideal picture and practical practice are deeply affected by individuation, and at the same time, they are gradually freeing themselves from the shackles of patriarchy.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

04

The plight of single women in Kochi and its causes:

The impact of detraditionalization

The 16 interviewees in this study are all single women in Kochi who work and live in Beijing, most of them come to Beijing to live alone through education and work, and some even have many experiences of living and working in different cities, and the connection with home has weakened, the traditional female role has begun to loosen here, the individualized "de-embedded" or "de-traditionalization" quietly unfolds, and the constraints of each individual's external form are weakening day by day.

The weakening of external constraints does not only bring freedom, but also the loss of support and shelter from another point of view.

(1) Higher liquidity

This mobility is brought about by the interaction of education, occupations, urbanization and other fields, the most prominent manifestation of which is geographical mobility.

The long-term educational experience of women in Kochi is prone to geographical mobility, and the exchange abroad of undergraduate, master's and even doctoral students, as well as the change of place of work, have made them more and more distant from their families and separated from the original social network, which has created an "experience gap" between people.

This "uncertainty" and "experience gap" make them always in a state of "floating", and it is difficult to have a stable relationship emotionally.

I also have that kind of ambiguous relationship with more than friends and lovers, but after that step it stops, I think most of it is because I jumped up and down, such as one of my trips in Shanghai (ambiguous relationship), and then because I was going to the United States, and then there was a time in the United States, but when I wanted to return to China, I broke off again. (B8)

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(2) Greater competitiveness

Tier 1 cities like Beijing are rich in talent and fiercely competitive, and women in Kochi face far more competition and pressure than men due to the gender inequality that still exists in the job market.

This fierce competition has led to them having to constantly improve their academic qualifications and work ability, to learn new skills to enrich themselves, they are often busy switching between states and have no time to take care of other things.

They also want to balance work and life, but in order to cope with the fierce competitive pressure of the big city, they have no choice but to miss the opportunity to fall in love.

I spend two-thirds of the week at work, often working overtime, almost every Saturday when I am busiest. The community we live in is a youth apartment, often have dinners, that time moved in a boy is single, cooking is super delicious, they called me, and introduced me to this boy, because only the two of us are single, that time everyone said in front of both of us that you two can be together, but because I often work overtime, and then I don't do it, and when I come back after the New Year, I find that people have objects. (B6)

This sense of competition actually comes from their own sense of risk, individualized society will spread the risk evenly on everyone, "fighting risk" has become their most time-consuming and energy-consuming things, the more investment in individuals, the more their own resources accumulate, the stronger the ability to resist risks.

They need to invest more time and energy in low-risk things such as study and work, and constantly accumulate their own resources to cope with the competitive society, and they feel the pressure and cruelty of competition in big cities, and lament the loneliness and difficulty of a person struggling here.

Due to Beijing's high housing prices and consumption levels, the quality of life in small cities is much different from that of their previous small cities, and the competitive pressure at work makes them feel very difficult and uncomfortable, and they have to use all their energy to deal with the competitive pressure and the apathy of the risk society.

A study of 16 highly educated single women: very lonely and emotionally unstable

(iii) More atomization

Atomized society is manifested in the weakening of the bonds between individuals and the alienation of individuals from the public world in the process of social change. The competitive social life makes the loss of trust between individuals, coupled with the influence of geographical mobility, it seems that new friends and colleagues are constantly emerging, but the depth of the relationship has not deepened, and they need to cooperate in their work, and in life, "one person is like a team".

Although they may interact with the people around them, they still keep their distance from others and experience loneliness in their hearts.

Now the unit colleagues will deliberately keep some distance between each other, classmates are generally a meal, and now such a relationship, as long as you look for you, it is definitely something, the last time a senior brother who I haven't seen for a long time wants to come to me for dinner, I know that there must be something, and when I met, I really asked me if there was a place in the kindergarten. (A1)

This "deliberately maintained" distance is like putting a transparent shell on everyone's body, and people outside can't walk in, and people inside can't get out.

Some scholars believe that this atomization is caused by the dissolution and destruction of human social ties by modernity, and along with the process of modernization and urbanization, social ties between individuals and groups are weak and social ties are loose.

"The community of the agricultural era full of warmth and collective consciousness will inevitably disintegrate and be replaced by a modern urban society dominated by strangers", for many single women in Kochi who came to Beijing alone from their hometowns, the dilution of family and kinship ties has exacerbated the loneliness brought about by the atomized society, which is also the pain brought by the individualized society.

To sum up, the mobility, competitiveness, and atomization of Kochi's single women's lives in Beijing's big cities have made them "de-traditionalized", and while they are freed from the shackles of traditional family, society, and gender roles, they also weaken the support and protection of their original social networks.

Therefore, in order to cope with the risks and competitive pressures of an individualized society, the Kochi single female group exhibits self-construction with subjective individualized characteristics, such as "enterprising self" in career pursuits, "independent self" and "desire self" in life status and marital outlook.

Therefore, the "detraditionalization", "enterprising self", "independent self" and "desire self" of single women in Kochi jointly construct a group portrait of single women in Kochi, showing the individualized characteristics of this group in modern society.

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