When you think of the words "male Durban", what comes to mind?
A variant of "Female Durban"?
How ridiculous is a female Durban, I don't need to say more, right?
Those "teachers" in the class teach three from four virtues, and the husband is the wife.
"Chastity is a woman's best dowry" is an endless stream of thunderous words.
But just last month, a workshop called "Men's Durban" was held in Beijing.
Of course, "male Durban" here is just a joke, the full name is "full participation men's workshop".
The sooner this dregs disappear in female Durban, the better.
And this kind of "male Durban" should blossom everywhere.
01
Male Durban, what are they doing?
In the men's class, this group of students mainly does three things.
First thing, intimate contact between people of the same sex.
For example, they will be asked to team up in pairs, grab each other's forearms, and look at each other affectionately for at least 30 seconds.
Another example is two people in the same group, get into a circle, and then let each other "untie".
The purpose of this is to allow them to break through the traditional male thinking.
You know, many men are afraid of intimate contact between people of the same sex, usually chat together, and will never look each other in the eye and talk.
When talking, I am afraid that I will lean too close and make others look "ambiguous". Once accidentally touched by the same sex, it is bounced off like an electric shock.
This workshop creates a little opportunity for them to try same-sex contact and discover: eh, it's okay.
Even some men showed their true feelings in the process of looking at each other, and there were tears in their eyes.
The second and third things teach them how to be a "good partner" and "good father."
For example, they were asked to simulate doing housework all day.
This group of men will perform without physical objects, simulating the behavior of mounds, wiping benches, etc. in the workshop, so that they can know with their actions:
The floor at home will not automatically become clean, the bowls in the sink will not automatically disappear, and the clothes will not be automatically washed.
In addition, they also have to learn how to educate children, how to discipline positively, replace punishment with encouragement, and how to play with toys with children.
They will also work in pairs, treating each other as their own children and patiently talking about picture books.
This picture, don't you think it must be beautiful? Better things are yet to come!
The highlight of this workshop is called "Childbirth Experience":
The trainees have to tie a ten-pound water bag around their stomachs. They need to take care of the hydration bladder all day long to experience what it feels like for a woman to be pregnant.
And in this process, teachers continue to remind them: "Don't go too fast, it will hurt the child!" ”
They were not allowed to "give birth" until the end of classes in the afternoon.
During the "delivery", some students were so excited that they almost burst into tears.
If you see this session, you will know that this workshop must be designed by men.
Because men often think that childbirth is the most painful experience.
In fact, women who have given birth know that childbirth is just a small case compared to getting up in the middle of the night to feed, postpartum depression, etc.
Therefore, at best, male Durban can only give students a slight experience of how hard women work, and it is far from a real change in perception.
So why do I still think that this kind of male Durban should bloom in full bloom?
02
All men are victims of "masculinity"
One of my trainees, when he had just transformed from a foreign company to an Internet company, faced with a new job, a new industry, a new boss, and all kinds of discomfort, and almost fell into depression.
Every day when he came home from work, he often sat in the basement car and did not want to go upstairs.
I guess if he really went upstairs and said to his wife, "I'm anxious, I'm not sure if I've changed the wrong line..... His wife won't say anything either.
But he will feel that his "tall" image in his wife's mind collapses in an instant.
It is said that women are bound by rules every day, but in fact, why not?
A lot of men's suffering, if it can be summed up in one sentence - I am "not a man" like this.
I don't have enough money, I don't have big enough officials -- so how? This is not a man!
I want to spend time with my children, I don't want to be in the workplace - how can I do that? This is not a man!
I want to open up with my partner and talk about my difficulties - how can that work? This is not a man!
......
Even in many cases, the relationship between two men rises from verbal conflict to physical conflict, and it only takes one sentence:
"You're still not a man!"
Restrictions such as "must be like a man" accumulate over time and can even affect the health of the entire male population.
Three-quarters of all deaths from alcoholism in the United States occur in men;
Men are similar to women in depression, but only half are diagnosed;
Worldwide, men commit suicide at twice the rate as women.
Behind these situations are the unspoken rules formed by "masculinity":
It is a man, he should be strong, aggressive, carry his own problems, and ask others for help, all of them are "sissy"!
In today's society, women are often oppressed, and every 38 Women's Day is to promote women to break stereotypes and be themselves.
But in fact, men are also oppressed, but this oppression is more invisible.
03
Men can have more than one side
My son cried and called his father two days ago, and I didn't hear what he said, I only heard my husband anxiously ask him: "What's wrong?" ”
It turned out that I broke up with my girlfriend.
I thought at that time, I actually cried to my father from far away about emotional problems, it seems that this father-son relationship is doing well?
But in fact, in that conversation, my son did not see his father as a father, but as a trustworthy "good buddy".
And this is the core of getting out of the shackles of "masculinity":
Find your inner role in relationships, and use your multifaceted nature to counter the singularity of society.
1. Men also need inner roles
Everyone has many roles in life, for example, in the company, I am the boss and the CEO; At home, I am a mother, a wife, and a daughter.
These are our external roles.
But at the same time, in every relationship, we also have some intrinsic role.
For example, my husband is a father, which is his external role, but he often chats and plays games with his son, which makes him also have an inner role: good buddy, listener.
Everyone can have many different inner roles in relationships, and this inner role has nothing to do with gender, only with relationships.
It does not have to be a man, it must be the role of a "hunter" at all times, and if it is a woman, it must be the role of a "protector".
And just because you've been taking on a role in a relationship doesn't mean you should keep doing it.
For example, in the company, although most of the time I am the boss who can "carry things",
But sometimes I also put myself in a "rotten" role, I will be coquettish, tricky, encourage the team to find a way, not to point at me.
But for male leaders, it's hard to make the switch, because most of the time, they don't know who else they can become.
2. Use the power of vulnerability to bring out his inner role
"Crazy" has been popular since the Spring Festival to the present, and many people have been fans of Zhang Songwen, who plays Gao Qiqiang.
Someone said, "I don't hate Gao Qiqiang at all, because he is too good at crying." ”
Every time Gao Qiqiang cries in the play, it can make people deeply empathize with his vulnerability. Make people realize that in addition to the gang boss, he also has an inner character called "Little People".
Similarly, for men, showing their vulnerability often evokes their inner role.
In Chinese, we tend to equate "fragile" with "weak."
This gives men a natural sense of shame about displaying vulnerability, feeling that vulnerability is not sanctioned – further reinforcing the "masculinity" shackles in their heads.
In fact, vulnerability has the power of vulnerability, the more a man can expose his vulnerability, the more he can be himself, the more he can get rid of a single external evaluation system.
3. How to make men show vulnerability?
Of course, a mature person showing vulnerability also has to pick the occasion. In an insecure environment, exposing one's vulnerability can only be self-defeating.
So it's simple to want the other person to show vulnerability, just make the other person feel safe.
Changes in social norms are not something we can control, but at home and in organizations, if men are provided with adequate psychological safety, they are more likely to show vulnerability.
One of my trainees complained to me that her husband would play games when he came home from work and didn't care about the children, and she asked me how I could get my husband to play less games?
I asked her if her husband has been under a lot of pressure at work lately?
She said yes, but then she said, "Then he's stressed, and I can't help him solve it!" ”
Many times, we think that "helping" is only possible if we help others solve problems, but forget that sometimes listening without judgment is the best antidote.
Later, the trainee realized that it was not a question of whether her husband could play games, but how to make him willing to open up with him.
Further, how to help her husband find other ways to relieve stress besides playing games?
Finally, I want to say more to the father who has a son.
A father is the main role model for a boy growing up, and a good role model has many little things to do.
For example, in physical contact, when the father can hug his son more, roll on the ground with the child, and play crazy.......
Finding a common hobby with your child allows two people to have another inner relationship beyond the father-son relationship. For example, my husband often plays games with his son.
The father can also share his past love life with his son, preferably a failure experience, so that when the son encounters emotional problems, he will also talk to his father ...
A sense of security is established in the "heard" and "accepted" again and again.
- written at the end -
There is a very apt metaphor: "masculinity" is a prison, every woman is a prisoner, and every man is a jailer.
The difference is that prisoners can escape from prison.
And the jailer will be trapped by the whole system.
Maybe what we have to do is not to break from prison, but to make our environment no longer a prison.