I, 34 years old single, decided to freeze my eggs

Author | Seven seven

At the age of 34, I was single, and I made a decision: to freeze my eggs.

I never thought about whether to become a mom. I don't have a strong rejection or attachment to "being a mother," but I do have some expectations – what will my future children look like?

However, at the moment I am not financially and psychologically ready. Financially, I also want to do more in my work, and as a writer, I always want to write better works, which also means that I have to go further and take a closer look at the whole world; At the same time, I didn't have the financial means to raise a child on my own.

Psychologically, although I am expecting to have a child, I feel that I am still a growing child, and I cannot feel comfortable taking responsibility for a life.

The indisputable fact that women's ovarian function is declining every year makes me feel anxious. So I finally made a decision – I'm going to freeze my eggs.

In December 2019, the first single egg freezing case in China was held before the trial

Egg freezing has been in the headlines from time to time in recent years. At the end of 2018, 30-year-old Xu Zao was refused egg freezing services by the Beijing Obstetrics and Gynecology Hospital affiliated to Capital Medical University. Later, in September 2019, Xu Zaozao filed a case for "general personality rights disputes" and took the hospital to court for the first time at the end of the year. After losing the first instance, the second trial began on May 9 this year, and the verdict will be announced at a later date.

At that time, I had just turned 30 years old and did not feel too anxious about fertility problems. Now that I'm 34, I understand my situation better.

01

Buy yourself a "maternity insurance"

Currently in Chinese mainland, women can only freeze their eggs after marriage and if they have infertility or malignant tumors. On the other hand, the law does not explicitly restrict single men from freezing sperm, and men can apply for semen preservation for purposes such as "reproductive insurance".

In fact, male germ cells are less age-restricted than women, but women's ovarian function declines every year, so women have a more urgent need to preserve germ cells than men.

A still from "Restart Life"

I am 34 years old and live in Taiwan, where there are no restrictions on single women freezing their eggs. Even so, I hesitated for a long time about whether to freeze my eggs.

On the recommendation of a doctor friend, on May 15 this year, I went to a fertility clinic with a good review. After the blood test and ultrasound, all my data is beautiful, which means that I can start the egg freezing treatment. I remember after the first check-up, the gentle nurse said to me, "It's a great decision for yourself." ”

On May 31, I went to my third visit and the doctor would decide when to get ovulation injections based on my hormonal index. After drawing blood at noon, read the report in the evening. When I came out of the clinic, it was raining in the sky and I felt a little lonely.

Before deciding to freeze eggs, I talked to many people of different ages, in fact, the peers around me are basically supportive, but the vast majority of male friends over the age of 50 have put forward similar opinions: Your priority now should be to find a good man to marry, and give birth to one while you are young.

This made me wonder: do I think more, or do others think less?

"Thirty Only" stills

Although "getting married and having children" is the "optimal solution for support" in law and tradition, it seems that this is not necessarily related to an individual woman "wanting to become a mother" and "raising a life". Also, I haven't found the person I can connect with to have a baby together. I've seen too many couples who have had to be together for the sake of their children, including my parents – and I know that neither of them will be happy for the rest of their lives.

In traditional society, women are often regarded as "fertility machines", but contemporary women have gradually come out of the traditional trapping, and the development of contemporary medicine has allowed women to further gain autonomy in fertility.

I am not "misogynistic," as feminist scholar Chizuko Ueno said, "Since I was a teenager, I have not been interested in the institution of marriage, not that I dislike men." "For me, I am not averse to raising a child with someone I like, but if the above conditions are not met, then egg freezing is the best option for me at the moment. Although it is expensive and I have to pay a storage fee every year, it is equivalent to buying an insurance policy for myself. At the end of the road, I still have the opportunity to have a child of my own.

02

About the threshold of 30 years for women

Xu Zaozao said that the opportunity for her to freeze eggs was at the crossroads of her life at the age of 30.

After graduating from graduate school, Xu worked in Beijing for 4 or 5 years, when she was in the midst of her career upswing – which made her more confident and recognized her growth, and she was eager to invest more in the workplace.

Recent photo of Xu Zao jujube

However, women in their 30s are also facing the pressure of being urged to marry by their families and society. For Xu Zaozao, on the one hand, she does not want to give up her career because she has not yet completed her self-realization, and on the other hand, she does not want to be wrapped up in the pressure of marriage urging.

"Society has created the idea [that 30-year-old women need to get married and have children as soon as possible], but I don't want to regret my life in the future."

But Xu Zao is also not a staunch unmarried sterile. She told the media, "I don't know if I will want children at the age of 40, just like I don't know at the age of 20, I will be healthy and fit at the age of 30, and I can't expect my 40-year-old self at the age of 30." But I knew that both the body and the circumstances would change, and I wanted to delay the timing of this decision. ”

 "I can't promise my future self whether I want to have children. But in the midst of so much uncertainty, I wanted to grasp something certain (egg freezing) and hold a part of the certainty firmly in my own hands. ”

Back at the age of 30, I was "rushing" for a relationship, and I was facing the huge pressure of my family to urge marriage. I gave up my job and went from one shore to the other, chasing in the footsteps of my lover. However, it is easy to fall in love and difficult to get along with, and the relationship does not end well.

I still believe in love and enjoy being with men I like. However, in the traditional concept, there is still such a saying as "male lead outside, female lead inside", "female lead inside" often means housework, childbirth and child-rearing.

A still from "Kim Ji-young born in 82"

Paradoxically, women have long been prominent in all walks of life, and the social value created by women is not low, but even women at work often have to give up their jobs for childcare. Otherwise, you need to rely on the elderly in the family, or have enough financial means to pay for the babysitting fee. In addition, there is still "age discrimination" for women in the workplace, and women during the childbearing period will encounter invisible thresholds because they "may want to have children", and women who want to return to the workplace after giving birth will also face the harsh challenges of "back waves".

For myself, I don't want to be attached to men, or I don't want to be attached to anyone, so I have to work all the time. I would be happy if I could both complete self-actualization and meet a man I like to raise a child together. But if I don't meet such a person under the circumstances, and I want to have a child of my own, then freeze the eggs now, and when I have a certain financial ability in the future, I will be happy to give myself a child.

So back to the advice of my male friend over the age of 50 mentioned earlier - "Hurry up and find a good man to marry, and give birth to one while you are young". Like Xu Zaojuo, I don't want to regret it, I don't want to make hasty decisions, and I don't want to lose the opportunity to become a mother, but I want to be myself first.

03

"I still want to have a second child"

In fact, not only single women, but also married, childbearing, divorced, and remarried women also have egg freezing needs.

My elementary school classmate Bell is 35 years old, she got married when she was 30 years old because she was pregnant, and later divorced because she was unhappy in her marriage. Today, accompanied by her mother, she lives in Shanghai with her 5-year-old daughter, where she has a job and bought herself a house.

"My child will soon be the age we know." On the other end of the phone, we all burst out laughing.

A still from "Restart Life"

Bell said that if she had originally envisioned, she wished her two children would be 3 years apart. It's just that the plan can't catch up with the changes, and it's not the children who arrive first, but the divorce.

Unlike my state of "one person is full, the whole family is full", the bell is "old on top, small on the bottom", and she clearly feels that her time, finances and energy are not enough. "My parents are older, I have to work and take care of my children alone, I think I can't do it alone, what I need is a reliable teammate."

The point is "reliable teammates". The bell has experienced a failed marriage, and does not want to rush into the next marriage. However, she loves children, and she also hopes to have a chance to have a baby with her "teammates" when she meets them.

Of course, even if he did not meet this "teammate", Bell did not rule out going to the sperm bank to give himself another child in the future. So what she needs at the moment is also egg freezing. "I want to keep myself a backup."

Stills from "Determination to Break Up"

In addition to thinking about herself, "egg freezing" is also a "chance" for her current young daughter. Bell and I are both children under the one-child policy, so we have both experienced the loneliness of growing up alone. Fortunately, we all had friends when we were growing up.

However, as society becomes more and more "atomized" and people become more and more homely, Bell will also worry that her daughter may not be able to make so many good friends in the future, and she will not necessarily enter marriage again.

But Bell also knows very well that blood does not mean anything, and the relationship between siblings is not necessarily good, but parents always want to "leave any opportunity to make life less difficult" for their children.

04

Times are changing

Similar to Xu Zao Jujube, Bell knew about egg freezing techniques in his twenties and thought about freezing eggs. "It's just that the network environment at that time was not as smooth as it is now, the information was not so developed, and the social atmosphere was not allowed." I always feel that this thing (proposing egg freezing) is very rash, unlike you now, posting a circle of friends and saying that you want to freeze eggs. ”

In fact, when I sent out the circle of friends related to egg freezing, many female friends said that they were thinking about it, and they all had a common characteristic: high education, work, working alone in a big city, some quit their jobs and went abroad for further study, and even many people wanted to "give themselves a baby".

"Thirty Only" stills

In the four years since Xu Zao filed a lawsuit in 2019, she also feels that the matter of egg freezing has been seen and discussed by more and more people, and she has also seen the needs of more and more women. In fact, according to the voting on the portal at the beginning of the trial, many people were holding a "neutral" attitude, and later, as the volume of voice increased, Xu Zao also heard some diverse voices.

For example, what kind of problems will single women encounter after freezing their eggs; Single-parent families, how to solve children's psychological and educational problems and so on.

"I think these discussions are valuable, the preparation for policy opening and the gathering of public opinion. In addition to those malicious attacks, I think rational discussion is very necessary. Xu Zao said.

On the afternoon of May 9, 2023, the country's first "single female egg freezing case" opened in the second instance of the Beijing No. 3 Intermediate People's Court. Source: Southern Weekend

Back to myself, in Taiwan, I can freeze eggs if I am single, but under the current policy, only marriage can be "started". That is to say, assisted reproduction can only be applied to married couples, and single women cannot conceive and have children through assisted reproduction. In the future, I still have to complete the "marriage" thing before I can have a child, so the matter of "giving myself a child" is not as easy as I thought. In addition, according to 2022 research data from Taiwan, the use rate of egg freezing is only 8%.

However, for me, life is still long, and there are still many dreams, many challenges, many interesting things to complete and experience. When I decided to buy maternity insurance for myself, I believed it would be worth the money.

The pictures in the article come from the Internet

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