Wen 丨 Fish Dad Image source: Meisu Gallery
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A mother left me a message saying: I really regret that I was angry and locked out my noisy and disobedient four-year-old son. After that time, the child changed, and he was afraid to sleep alone before being able to sleep independently, and became more sticky than before.
Every time I see his eyes that are afraid of being abandoned, I regret it a lot, is there any way to help the child regain a sense of security?
Now many people are emphasizing a sense of security, not only children, but also adults need to be safe.
But what is it like to feel secure?
The sense of security should be different for everyone.
For me, I think it's the feeling when I was a child sitting in the doorway with a small chair at dusk waiting for my parents to come home, even if someone said that your parents were not coming back, I still firmly believed that they would come back.
It is the feeling that you can walk around the dark house without electricity at home, and you know that you can touch the door with your hand and touch the switch with a stretch of your hand.
It is the feeling of trust that when you become an adult, even if you are temporarily separated from your partner, you can have peace of mind and fully devote yourself to your current work and life.
In fact, security is the background of life, which deeply affects everyone's state of existence.
Only after a person has a basic sense of security can he relax and experience more beautiful emotions such as relaxation, pleasure, ease, and joy.
Otherwise, people will struggle with fear, expend huge energy to seek security, and find it difficult to have the energy and mood to truly enjoy life.
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People's sense of security has begun to be established since they first came into this world, and the younger they are, the more important the state of security and the greater the impact on people's lives.
And the most important source of children's sense of security is the parents around them.
Everything that happens in the family of origin from which we are born determines the establishment or destruction of this sense of security.
Establishing a sense of security in infancy will affect a child's life.
American psychologists who study "attachment" have said that children who do not establish strong and secure attachment relationships in infancy will lack the ability to establish deep and intimate interpersonal relationships with others throughout their lives.
Although this statement may seem absolute, experimental scientists have found that children who establish good attachment relationships with their parents in infancy are more socially active by age 3 and a half than children of the same age who have not established good attachment, are more likely to be welcomed and followed by peers, and more compassionate.
In the mother-infant relationship between the age of 0-3, especially in the first year of birth, this initial life feeling and experience is crucial to the formation of a child's sense of security.
It can even be said that a person's social ability comes from the mother's care for him early in life, in other words, the mother-infant relationship actually determines the baby's future social relationship.
At the age of 3-6, the child's sense of security is reflected through some social activities.
We will find that a child with a good foundation of security can have inner strength, and he can smoothly walk out of his mother, and then go around and into the world.
How to cultivate children's safety, give you the following 4 suggestions, can give you some good reference and inspiration.
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Never let your child feel abandoned.
Many parents like to say, "If you do this again, I don't want you." ”
Some don't just talk, they actually throw their children on the street, walk alone, and let the children yell in the crowd.
Others pushed the children outside the house, closed the door, and threatened the child with abandonment.
Many times, the attitude of parents is a matter of life and death for children, especially abandonment. This is something that no child can accept, because the Creator molds children into small appearances, cute and weak, and sends them to our hands that we need to love well. They also need this kind of love in their hearts.
So never threaten your child with abandonment and ignorance.
No matter what the situation, let the child clearly realize that the parents will never abandon him, even if it is to leave for a long time, let the child feel that the heart of the father and mother is always connected to you, so that the child can establish the most important and basic sense of security.
Your tiredness and grievances, don't vent on your children
Parents who mishandle their emotions will definitely affect their children's sense of security.
Because I believe that most people have been angry, including Yu Dad himself, and he has also been angry with his son.
Every time we look back, we find that the way we are angry is really terrifying. Rousseau described his parents' angry state as "sick", and he was right, that it was a pathology, at least a pathology in emotional management, that could be treated.
Seeing parents angry, the child's instinct is to be afraid, and then he will feel self-blame and guilt, whether he did not do well, and whether his parents will not love me.
Some sensible and sensitive children will be hurt more, their hearts will redefine their own values, feel useless, and always make their parents angry. Parents' emotions are always fickle, so the child may become cautious and shrink in everything he does, because he is always worried that he has done something wrong and becomes inferior.
In any case, do not vent your hard work and grievances on your children, because children who grow up in a relaxed environment are more likely to know how to be grateful, and the happiness that his innocence brings to you will smooth out your bitterness as an adult.
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Don't laugh at children, even if you are unintentional!
When it comes to this problem, Yu Dad is the first one who needs to reflect on it, because my personality is relatively big, I like to joke in life, and sometimes I accidentally hurt my children.
One day at noon, my child went to bed and said, "Daddy, I don't like you anymore!" ”
"Why?"
"Because you laugh at me!"
"When did I laugh at you, I don't remember it!"
"Yes!"
"When?"
"In the morning, you said I was a vampire dog!"
"Oh!"
"I'm sorry, baby, daddy is joking, I really don't want to laugh at you, daddy change it next time!"
It turned out that in the morning he played a vampire to scare grandma, crawling on the ground, I made a joke unintentionally, you vampire is like a puppy! Call you a vampire dog! He was facing away from me and I didn't notice the change in him.
But my grandparents and I laughed.
Now that I think about it, he feels uncomfortable and feels ridicule.
Of course, a little joke that doesn't catch fire at once won't hurt much. But we still have to consciously avoid making jokes about children. Don't be sarcastic about your child, even though he has his own shortcomings and he doesn't want to do it himself.
His parents' unintentional words may have put heavy pressure on his tender heart. And children will imitate us. What you say and do to others, he will imitate. Don't fill his little heart with hostility and resistance. Then go and hurt other people.
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Learn gentle rejection, not brutal control.
Many mothers mention a problem: as long as their children go to the supermarket and set their eyes on what they want, they must buy it. Otherwise cry, lie on the ground. A handful of snot and tears, the people around thought that it was not their own son. Promise him yourself, not because I feel that I am wasting money, but because I am afraid of indulging him. But reject him, and be afraid of hurting his sense of security, what to do?
It seemed like a really tricky problem, at least at the time.
It's good before your child goes to the supermarket, and it's good before your child lies on the floor crying.
And when things spiral out of control is the worst.
If parents can let their children understand a principle: even crying cannot meet his improper needs!
When children first begin to cry to express their needs, they will find a magical phenomenon: adults are afraid of crying themselves, as long as they cry, they want something. They will feel able to control everything around them with their cry.
In fact, in the beginning, Xiaoxiaoyu also used this method to try to control me.
Once in the supermarket, he also cried because I didn't buy him the video game console he fancy, and a two-year-old child asked a 10-year-old to play a handheld game console, which was an improper need and certainly could not be satisfied.
So I used a gentle rejection method.
Facing him crying, I asked him to cry for a while to express his dissatisfaction and grievances.
Then I went over and squatted down and told him that Dad also liked this game console, but this game console can only be played by children in elementary school, and small babies cannot play it. If you really like it, when you grow up, it's okay for Dad to give you one.
At this time, he will become much calmer, because the understanding of parents will make the child willing to accept your opinion.
Then, I would gently pick him up and go to the next shopping area. I told myself not to lose my temper.
When we follow the rules gently but firmly, the child will know that it is necessary to do so and no longer dwell on it. This approach does not negatively affect the child's sense of security and self-esteem.
And our gentle refusal is far better than beating the child at that time, or leaving the child somewhere and walking away alone to threaten the child.
They will not be angry and education will be ineffective, and children will not suffer from mental torture and lose their sense of security.