Consultants
I am a 32-year-old woman who now lives the kind of family life with children that my peers envie. Obviously, people around me say that I am happy, but I always "think of danger in peace" and feel insecure.
How do I untie the knot in my heart and eliminate insecurity?
Experts in this issue: Senior psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heard Bar Psychological Counseling Center, national second-level psychological counselor - Tan Suyi
Tan Suyi
· I heard about it, senior counselor at the Psychological Counseling Center
· National second-level psychological counselor
· Psychosexual counselor
· Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
· Member of Guangdong Psychological Association
· Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
· Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
Ms. Tan Suyi answered:
Security is a person's psychological need for stability and security, which is closely related to our external reality and personal internal structure.
When some people clearly live a stable life and do not have too many objective situations, but still have unmatched anxiety, we will find that this is a manifestation of insecurity in the heart.
For example, afraid to turn off the lights to sleep for fear of the dark, afraid of going to a strange place alone, always like to hold an object (such as pillows, dolls, etc.), repeatedly check whether the door lock is closed, etc., different people will have different performances when they lack a sense of security.
Attachment theory holds that the stability and healthy development of our psychology depends on whether there is a safe base in the center of our mental structure.
When we are very young, this safe ground is more occupied by important caregivers (especially mothers).
If we can get enough love and attention from them during this period to feel that our needs are being met, we will establish an initial sense of security, trust and expectation in the world around us, and a sense of self-esteem, self-confidence, and a sense of certainty and control over reality and the future.
The safe base served by our parents as a child will be internalized as a safe base in our hearts, and when we grow up, we will have a sense of inner security.
If we grow up in an environment full of quarrels, mental deprivation, indifference and alienation, it is easy to be full of confusion, doubt and instability about the people and things around us, it is difficult to have enough trust in others and the world, and it is difficult to trust ourselves in the ability to control life, cope with and solve various unknown events and situations.
When you are constantly in such an experience, a strong sense of insecurity inevitably haunts you.
In life, it is not difficult to find that people who are insecure in their hearts since childhood are often easy to ask for security from the outside, and TA feels:
If my partner can accompany me more, pay attention to me, and care about me, I will feel more secure and will not be suspicious;
If I have enough money now to do a lot of things I want to do, I don't have to be so hesitant;
If someone shows up and he can make me believe that he will never leave, dislike, or hurt me, I will bravely enter into marriage;
If my children learn better and be sensible, I won't worry so much about their future;
If my education is higher and my research is more, I don't have to tremble and worry about being eliminated at any time;
……
That's because they have a terrible inner belief: I'm weak, I don't have the ability to make myself happy, I need someone else to make me feel safe so I can live well.
Therefore, by putting their own safe base on others, trying to ask for more and more giving and satisfaction from the outside world (family, partners, friends, material conditions, etc.) to fill their inner unease and hollowness.
However, we will also see that this not only backfires and never makes one's heart truly rich, but also destroys relationships with others and makes oneself more miserable.
If parents and family play an important role in shaping our sense of security when we are young, how can we be responsible for our own security when we become adults?
If we start to try to let go of the expectation of letting others make us feel safe, gradually seek inward, and rebuild the safe base on ourselves, we can achieve a real sense of security.
Like the woman who asked the question, her friend and herself consciously knew that she was living a happy family life, but she was confused and distressed about why she was still insecure.
Due to the limited information provided, it is difficult to speculate on what exactly you mean by "thinking of danger in peace".
But you can ask yourself a few questions:
First, under what circumstances do you generally "think about danger"?
Is it hearing or seeing or what objective thing happens? Inexplicable involuntary thoughts?
Second, what kind of "danger" will you "think"?
Worried that something bad is going to happen? Feeling uneasy about your current life or relationship, suffering from gains and losses, always feeling that everything is empty, and wondering which day it will suddenly disappear like a bubble? Do people in intimate relationships leave them at any time? Can you really and for a long time have these happiness in front of you? Still is......
3. When you "think about danger", what kind of emotions and feelings do you experience?
How does the body react, has this feeling been similar in the past, and if so, has something happened to it?
If this lady wants to know more about herself and solve her confusion, welcome to continue to leave a message, add more information, and discuss more specifically.
Of course, for each of us, there are many ways to enhance our sense of security.
Manage intimate relationships with heart, let beautiful relationships nourish our hearts;
Increase knowledge and improve ability, so that rich vision fills our hearts;
Strive to increase economic income and let sufficient material strengthen our hearts;
Being close to important others who are positive and confident allows optimism and stability to infect our hearts...
Above and so on, these are all things we can work on to gain more security for ourselves.
And if you find that you can't feel safe enough as if you have exhausted all the ways of the outside world, you need to look inward.
You know, often when we begin to realize our hearts, it is also the best opportunity to repair and improve.