Planning, Writing / Ivan, Jingjing This article co-expert / Psychological Counselor: Sun Qing, Yang Rui Data Support / Coco, Jingjing Editor / KY Creators
Recently, we saw a message in the background:
KY, I just had a birthday recently, but I just couldn't be happy. I am now commonly known as "middle-aged", and the abstract pressures I have heard about happen to me every day. Every recruitment season, when many new people come in, I start to fear that I will be fired by the company; sometimes when I go home and the child is already asleep, I will feel guilty because I did not accompany her. I don't want to suffer every day, but I really think that middle-aged life is so difficult.
Seeing this message, I remembered that a friend who was older than me once said to me, "I envy your weekend life, middle-aged people like me with families, weekends are busier than weekdays." In just one sentence, I made up the hard work of the weekend.
Although we know very well in our hearts that the life of no middle-aged person is easy, we would like to know, will everyone be unhappy after entering middle age? Is there any way to make middle-aged people live happily in the squeeze of reality?
With this in mind, we interviewed two counselors, hoping that today's article will help MIDDLE-aged KY readers live happily.
When it comes to middle age, everyone may have a question, that is, how old is middle age?
Some researchers believe that due to differences in individual, gender, and social status, people have different times of role change, so it is difficult to determine how many years of middle age begin and end at what age (Farrel & Rosenberg, 1981). In other words, the boundary of "middle age" is "fluid" (Moen & Wethington, 1999), depending more on each individual's feelings.
This feeling of entering middle age mainly comes from two aspects, one is the change of physical state, and the other is the change of social roles.
Scholar Harlow (2012) points out that from about the age of 35-40, both men and women begin to face a decline in reproductive function, and may also be related to joint pain, weight gain and other issues (Lachman, 2004). When we feel that our physical condition is not as good as before, there will be a very strong feeling of no longer being young.
At the same time, when a person changes from being single to owning his own family, beginning to become the main source of income for the family, and is in a state that we often say is "old and old," the feeling of entering middle age will be more intense.
So after entering middle age, will you definitely be unhappy? Judging by the published findings, the answer seems to be yes.
Studies have shown that people in different countries are almost uniformly between the ages of 30 and 50, showing the lowest levels of life satisfaction or well-being (Lachman, 2015).
Another study found a U-shaped curve between a person's lifelong happiness and age (Lachman, 2015). After the age of 18, happiness begins to decline, and the likelihood of depression begins to increase. Around the age of thirty or forty, people's likelihood of depression peaks and happiness bottoms out. Happiness only begins to pick up when people start to age, nearly 60 (Blanchflower, 2021).
Happiness curve in developed countries
Screenshot of the happiness curve in developing countries from Blanchflower, D. G., & Oswald, A. J. (2008). Is well-being U-shaped over the life cycle? Social Science and Medicine, 66, 1733–1749.
That is to say, middle age may really be the most unhappy stage of our lives.
Why do different people enter middle age at different ages, and their happiness will drop to the bottom? We've summarized the following four reasons:
1. The perspective on time changes
As our physical functions and energy decline, and as we have more and more health problems with ourselves or our parents, our view of time has shifted.
Neugarten proposes that a change in the perspective of time is one of the main psychological characteristics of middle age. In the past, the way of measuring life was "time since birth", and after entering middle age, it was changed to "time remaining" (Neugarten, 1968). This kind of life seems to become a "countdown" perspective, making the mentality of middle-aged people more pessimistic.
2. The squeeze of multiple roles and the responsibilities that come with it
Moen and Wethington (1999) argue that midlife may be seen as "a full set of social and personal responsibilities."
Middle-aged people, at the same time, take on multiple roles such as "parent", "children", "employees", and their corresponding responsibilities, and the accumulation of responsibilities may overwhelm us. Moreover, the multiple pressures from life tend to give us a feeling that life is full of difficulties that need to be overcome, and after overcoming one, there is another difficulty waiting.
3. Reduction of "possible self"
The "possible selves" refers to an anthropomorphic representations of important life goals (Markus & Nurish, 1986). It includes not only the goals we pursue now, but also the envisaged future that is related to the goals.
Psychological counselor Sun Qing mentioned that people will be very happy when they are young because they can feel that their future has many kinds of appearances, and life is hopeful. This sense of hope cannot be destroyed by pain because it comes from "the possibilities of the future."
After entering middle age, because our social roles are relatively fixed, the possibility of life is greatly reduced, and the sense of hope that we can use to resist the pain of reality is also reduced.
4. The Internet will constantly make people perceive their own shortcomings
Psychologist Stewart (2015) writes, "You hardly know the successful people you browse in the news feed, but their influence is still enough to make you ask yourself: 'When did I stop chasing my dreams and become an insignificant part of the system?' ”
These reasons for the unhappiness of middle-aged people make many middle-aged people seem very passive in their lives, and over time, they are prone to feel that they are a weak person who is powerless to change their lives.
Counselor Yang Rui believes that this mentality is worth vigilance, because when a person begins to set limits and self-pity for himself, it may make him less interested in new things. And once people lose their desire to explore life, a bad middle-aged life can easily remain static. (How to increase interest in life?) Please poke "no energy to work, tired of playing games, can't find interest in life." ” | KY Research: How can you "live an interesting life"? ）
So to be happy, we need to first believe that we have the power to change our lives.
Life is complex, everyone's situation may be different, and it is difficult to find an optimal solution that is universally applicable.
In the process of discussing with the consultants, they also believe that the lives of middle-aged people are not easy, so they may not be able to give a panacea "solution list" for many realistic pressures. But we can still make some changes within our own capabilities to make our lives a little happier.
Tip 1: Jean Buridan, the imaginary nominalist philosopher who drags you forward, once made an important point: Sometimes free will leads to "inaction." He argues that when there is too much "uncertainty" and options, we lose the ability to choose and make decisions.
Every time we give up an imagination, we take a step forward in growth. If you are obsessed with imagination, it may bring you to a standstill.
What needs to be emphasized is that what we want to say here is to let go of our own idealized imagination of ourselves in the past, rather than giving up the exploration of the future. So, if you don't become the "self you expected when you were young," don't blame yourself. We can still explore, what new interests we can discover, and what aspects we can unexpectedly talent.
You may not really "get nothing", maybe you have done a good job, but as a child, you lack realistic consideration of the fantasies of the future.
Tip 2: Learn to appreciate the unique advantages of middle age
Psychological counselor Yang Rui believes that for many people: getting old is a challenge. But in fact, people who are anxious about entering middle age can transform their perspective on age and learn to see the advantages they have that young people do not have. For example, richer experience, richer connections, deeper insight and understanding of human nature, and the accumulation of professional experience and skills.
These advantages can help middle-aged people deal with setbacks in life more calmly and calmly, and are better qualified for jobs that require experience to make judgments. All you have to do is discover and appreciate the "wealth" that these times have given you.
Tip3: Pay more attention to your own needs, and it is not bad to be a 60-point parent
Psychological counselor Sun Qing believes that the reason why middle-aged people feel uneasy in the face of role changes is because they are accustomed to ignoring "their own roles" in life.
She mentioned that there is a concept in psychology called "good enough mother." You can be a 60-point mom (or dad) and don't have to force yourself to be a 100% or even 120% good parent (e.g., you can reduce the frequency of cleaning the house appropriately, and discuss with your partner to take turns taking care of the children). The rest of the time, invest in yourself.
If you put all your efforts and expectations on your children and partners, you will feel extremely painful when they violate your expectations.
Therefore, you can think a lot about "your own role". Just sit back and think: What do I really like? What am I most interested in and wanted?
Tip4: Make small changes to make new possibilities in your life
Counselor Sun Qing believes that each of us has ambitions, and everyone wants to be the "best me", but after we work and get married, such ambitions will seem difficult to achieve.
So while taking care of your family, don't forget your ambitions and dreams. As long as you want, you will also have a lot of "possibilities", a lot of dreams. Don't be limited to a mother or father who can make money and does housework, in fact, you can also be a happy mother or father who can write articles, calligraphy, record audiobooks, and sing. When the possibilities and ambitions in your life return, your happiness will return.
Tip5: Cultivating Deep Connections with Others while "Cutting" with Negative Influences
Yang Rui, a psychological counselor, believes that in dealing with the problem of middle age, it is important for people to establish close and deep relationships with those around them. Deepening the bond with the people around you can give you a channel of peace of mind and communication. At the same time, it is also necessary to cut off with people and things that create a burden. If you often feel anxious about who you are with and it is difficult to resolve through communication, it is recommended to make an inner cut.
Finally, we would like to say that it may not be realistic to be a carefree "happy middle-aged man", but we have the power to make small changes in our lives and can choose to make our lives a little happier.
Interaction Today: Are you anxious about entering middle age? Come to the comments section to share your daily decompression method~
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