Text/Old K
These two days because of the epidemic, I was isolated at home, many things have stopped, my own mother fell from the mountain some time ago because of climbing the mountain fell from the sternum fracture, I myself experienced a relationship for many years of breakup, many things are not satisfactory, let me think of the nightmare of the year seven years ago.
Nightmare seven years ago
I had just graduated from college seven years ago, and I was overly naïve and ignorant of the rules of society.
I am a university in Guangzhou, close to graduation I want to stay here, but accustomed to the comfortable campus life of their own suddenly become a huge high-pressure work life is indeed very uncomfortable, for example, my work unit is 25 kilometers away from where I live, I need to get up at less than 6 o'clock in the morning to squeeze the bus plus subway, because the Guangzhou morning peak subway is like the epidemic vegetable market to grab vegetables, so it needs to get up very early, in addition to work pressure also need to deal with the complex relationship between the same department, when a person in Guangzhou has no time to socialize, There are almost no social circles around except for colleagues, so many things can only be digested by myself, and after about 1 month, I had severe insomnia.
At that time, I could only record these pressures by writing a diary, but these did not completely alleviate the pain at that time, so I did the stupidest thing at that time, telling the insomnia and depression situation to a person who was most trusted in the company at that time, and it didn't take long for me to be dissuaded by the unit.
This incident directly broke my heart, and at that time, I could not think of the most trusted person in any way, but I was "betrayed".
I stayed in my rented place for 10 days without going out, there was no takeaway at that time, I just ate whatever I had at home, living alone was a very challenging thing, and living alone was even more devastating.
The tenth night I remember clearly at 10 o'clock, I looked at the bustling crowd downstairs, and suddenly felt that the world was too boring, and maybe death could solve many problems.
I wanted to jump off it for a moment, but suddenly my phone rang, it was my girlfriend at the time (because she was still in college, we have been in a different place) the phone rang, she told me a series of her own plans, it was this phone call that made me stop thinking, I chose to wait a little longer.
But at that time, there was no desire, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to find a job, and even brushing my teeth and washing my face when I was most depressed seemed to need to pay 200 percent of the effort.
I didn't know what was wrong with me, it wouldn't be associated with depression at all, I just thought I might have a terminal illness, the fear spread to myself, I didn't know what to do, the 23-year-old was overwhelmed. But at that time, I still didn't want to go home and tell my parents and girlfriend that at that time, a lot of poisonous chicken soup encouraged people to learn to carry it on their own when they were in pain, but many times you carried depression yourself and it would ruin you.
About ten days later, I had the most terrible symptoms of depression, I could hardly do anything, I even had the urge to call 120, at that time I was completely panicked, I was alone in a room for nearly 20 days, and I had to smile and talk to my girlfriend on the phone every day, that moment completely collapsed, I opened the window and yelled outside for nearly 5 minutes, I knew I couldn't carry it anymore, I called my parents and said I had to go home.
I bought my first ticket the next day, and when I got home, I started my way to help myself.
The path to depression
My situation didn't get better just because I got home, I stopped shutting myself off and tried to tell my friends and family about my previous situation.
I told my parents about these situations, and my parents didn't know my situation very well, and they just told me some big truths. I told some friends, but my friends said that I was thinking too much, and the loneliness at that moment was even worse than in Guangzhou.
Suicidal thoughts flooded the brain, and I remember telling my aunt about the last desperate time, because my aunt knew a lot of people, she talked to the psychiatrist about my situation, and the doctor immediately told me that this was depression and anxiety, and let me go to the hospital to receive treatment as much as possible.
After I learned that I was suffering from depression, I put down a lot of it, and at first I was very resistant to depressive drugs and psychotherapy.
I tried to solve it by jogging and watching the stickers myself, but after about 1 month I found that I still didn't come out.
In the winter of 2015, I chose to receive psychological counseling, and at that time I made an appointment with a psychological counselor in a third-class hospital, but this psychological counselor and I thought completely differently at that time, and after I went in, I told me the big truth, and even told me how to learn Buddhism, and I didn't finish the consultation and went straight away.
I hesitated for half a day after returning home, in the end whether I want to continue to receive psychological counseling, but there was a voice in my heart that told me that I could not just give up on myself, I began to continue to look for a large number of depression recovery post, I remember that there was a post called "Sunshine Psychological Mutual Aid Forum" at that time, which was full of content shared by many depressed patients after recovery, I found a sense of belonging in it, I also sent my own confusion, some people suggested that psychological treatment is deceitful, and some people suggested that they insist on insisting on it, after discussing with my parents My parents still advised me to continue looking for professional help, which turned out to be true.
The road to self-help
About this time has reached the Spring Festival of 2016, friends and relatives are gathered together, I finally experienced what is the loneliest feeling in the crowd, the whole world is filled with a joyful atmosphere, only I am the most lonely one, this pain is not the people who have suffered from depression can not understand, not do not want to be happy, but can not be happy.
Because the depression was so severe at the time, I felt like I couldn't take care of my girlfriend, and she didn't understand herself very well, and we eventually parted ways.
After the end of the year, I made a contract for myself, if I did not get out of depression for 3 years, I would leave this world, and I would forget about any work feelings and concentrate on treating depression.
At that time, because of insomnia, I woke up early, naturally woke up at about 6 o'clock, and then began to search for knowledge about depression and psychological content until 12:30 p.m.
Force yourself to jog every morning and then decide to change to a doctor for psychological counseling + medication.
At the beginning of taking antidepressants, there were serious side effects, shaking hands to even take the cup is difficult, and panic all the time, and the doctor communicated that the dose was too large, and later reduced me by half, at that time I did not know whether I could come out, I just knew that the process could only go firmly.
Because of the previous psychological counselor thing, I had a big shadow on psychological counseling, and I later found two psychological counselors at the same time, one was a counselor who had recovered from a disease online, and the other was from the hospital.
The road to depression recovery must be very tortuous, I have experienced countless good turns to fall to the bottom again, to be honest, there were plans to give up during that time, but I still insisted on not accepting defeat.
In the end, God did not fail to work hard, about half a month later the drug began to take effect, and psychological counseling also let me gain a lot.
In the counseling process, I was very valued, because when I was a child, my mother was busy with my own shop, so I paid little attention to me, and my father was a typical "straight man", so my own feelings were never valued, and later I became a psychological counselor to know how a person's emotional interaction experience was in the early years, and in the future, various relationships will be subtly created into similar to those of early nurturers.
The counselor encouraged me to speak out about my true feelings and made me understand that I can be allowed to be allowed in the counseling process as long as I don't harm myself and others, this kind of acceptance and understanding is something I have never experienced in more than 20 years, and it is this feeling that makes me know that I can be depressed, and it is not my fault.
With the consultation and the continuous treatment of the drug, about 4 months later, I began to have vitality, I found myself wanting to do something, I no longer only had pain and darkness every day, I remember clearly, one morning the sun shone into my room, I even had a feeling of sneaking joy, I knew I was fine.
Anyone who has seen my experience knows that later I also began to write out my recovery experience, which also inspired and helped many people.
I think this pain is the beginning of a change in my life's destiny, sometimes pain is not wealth, reflection and understanding of pain is.
Later, I looked at the diary at that time, and the number of crashes during that time was about the sum of the previous 20 years, and in 9 months, I experienced nearly a hundred times, large and small, from building up courage to building confidence to falling to the bottom again.
A lot of people often ask me the question of whether depression can come out completely.
To be honest, I really don't know if I can really avoid falling into depression again after recovering from depression, but I know that people's lives are full of thorns, and only lifelong growth can lead to walking out of the land of thorns, and when you walk out of the land of thorns every time, you will find that you will definitely be much stronger than before.