It's good to pursue a better life, make better friends, and have a little perfectionism, which can make us more motivated to live and get higher quality relationships.
However, when we demand perfection not only from ourselves, but also from others and set high standards for others, it is difficult to trust others and have a negative attitude towards others.
Wu Jun (pseudonym)
I am 23 years old, I just graduated and joined the company, but I don't get along well with everyone.
For so many years, I always involuntarily disliked others, unless he was very good and could get along with everyone, I could only be willing to be with him, so basically I had few friends. I am a Virgo and I feel that I am too demanding of myself, is this situation too demanding of others? How can these conditions be changed?
Guangzhou heard about it psychological counseling center
Senior Counselor, Spiritual Healer
Zheng Qijuan
When you get along with people, you will always dislike others, and the reason is because of yourself.
There are people in the crowd who set relatively high standards for themselves and the people they relate to, hoping in their minds that they will get a better job and become a better person, and they will also demand that their partner be perfect, and that their friends will also be excellent.
Proper perfectionism is good and can make us more motivated to do things better. In fact, many people with perfectionist complexes are highly qualified people. Moreover, many occupations now require relatively perfect nature of work.
So, in some cases, on occasions, a little perfectionism is good, it will make us think more comprehensively and do things more thoroughly.
But if you only accept perfection and excellence in your heart, and reject imperfection, you will not only be unable to learn from imperfect places, but also let yourself fall into negative emotions brought about by imperfection, such as anxiety, depression, fear, depression and other emotions.
Even some people are afraid of the consequences of failure caused by imperfection because of their pursuit of perfection, and are prone to adopt negative methods such as unlimited delay and avoidance.
In interpersonal relationships, if there is a perfectionist complex of people who apply this high standard to others, it is easy to damage interpersonal relationships.
This kind of perfectionist demands perfection from others, sets high standards for others, accepts each other when they meet this standard, and despises and distrusts each other if they fail to meet this standard.
Implicitly this requirement is a condescending perspective, placing oneself on the high ground of perfection, looking down on the imperfections of others, and questioning the abilities and successes of others, so it is easy to see and reject the shortcomings of others, and it is difficult to objectively view the strengths and weaknesses of others.
Most of this mental model is taught from an early age to "strive for perfection, otherwise you will be disliked".
Generally, people with perfectionist complexes have a perfectionist caregiver in the family.
This perfectionist will see the child as a part of him/her, expect the child to be perfect, and over time the child's heart will form a demanding, evaluative object that requires them to be perfect in everything.
To adjust this mentality,
The first is to conduct self-discussion and see how many perfectionist caregivers there are in their perfectionism; Then, the positive places are integrated and the negative areas are separated.
In this process, many people will withdraw and fear because they feel insecure, it is best to seek the help of a professional psychological counselor, in a safe and trusting counseling relationship, use professional psychological counseling techniques, such as empty chair technology, intentional dialogue, gestalt therapy, etc., they can determine the direction, stick to it, and grow.
The second is to change your cognition, pursue perfection while allowing yourself to be imperfect, and find a balance between the two.
Perfectionists have a "total bad" cognitive concept in their hearts, they are afraid of being affected by "all bad", driven by fear, extreme to perfection, without an intermediate state. Therefore, perfectionists need to practice thinking differently and thinking differently.
▎ Change the angle:
When you are picky and disgusted that you have not done a good job, look at what you have done better from a different perspective and see what you can learn from it; When disgusting others, when disgusting his shortcomings, think about what his strengths and brilliances are.
▎Thought:
When you encounter imperfect situations such as setbacks and troubles, think about what bad situations teach you. Did you hone certain abilities, or did you learn something?
Practicing these two methods regularly, you will gradually change your inner beliefs and way of thinking, accept the imperfections of life, learn to appreciate others and yourself, and be more wise to treat others.
Zheng Qijuan
Lead Consultant
I heard about it, the chief counselor of the psychological counseling center
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
National Marriage Counselor
National Family Education Instructor
Child Counselor
Senior hypnotist
Spiritual healer
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Specially invited psychological consultant of the emotional column of Guangzhou Radio Station
· Guangzhou YWCA appointed psychological counselor
"Yangcheng Evening News", "Yangcheng Metro News", "Modern Parenting Weekly", "Urban People Growth" invited psychological experts