Life is never easy, our own life is like this, and so are the people around us.
When our friends are in a bad situation, when our relatives and friends are going through pain, we always want to say something to comfort them.
But many times, we don't have a clue about what to say, don't know what to do, and even sometimes, we will "self-righteously" to comfort, ignoring the other person's feelings, making the person in need of comfort more painful.
There is such a scene in the old movie "Early Spring and February", Sister-in-law Wen's youngest son died of illness, and the pain of losing her son made her heartbroken.
The gentle, honest and kind Teacher Xiao came to visit her home, and when he entered the door and saw Sister-in-law Wen lying on the table and crying, his first words were: "The past things have passed, don't think about it anymore." ”
After a few words, Teacher Xiao heard that Sister-in-law Wen was looking for short-sightedness, and then said: "Maybe my words are a little heavier, such a small child, it will be enough to die." ”
Teacher Xiao is not a ruthless and unrighteous person, and he was able to selflessly fund his sister-in-law's family regardless of malicious rumors before, but comforting her sister-in-law who has experienced the pain of losing her son so much makes people feel a little chilled.
It was hard to imagine how Sister-in-law Wen felt after hearing such comfort.
As "Just the Right Consolation" says, "No one in the world can leave a mother who has lost a child without anything, and no one can make a husband whose wife has been diagnosed with cancer feel free." ”
Although from a rational point of view, what Teacher Xiao said is indeed correct, he only hopes that Sister-in-law Wen accepts the fact that it has been achieved from this point of view, and hopes that Sister-in-law Wen can continue to live.
But for Sister-in-law Wen at this time, such comfort could not make her cheer up again.
Although we will not encounter such extreme situations as Sister-in-law Wen in our lives, we may have had similar experiences, seeing that the people around us are sad, wanting to comfort but not knowing how to speak, or maybe just saying a word, the other party's face is even more ugly, so simply do not comfort.
Although we have learned a lot, we have learned very little about how to comfort people. If you often hesitate in your life about what to say or do to make your painful friend feel better, then the book "Just the Right Comfort" may be helpful.
The Right Comfort puts forward three creeds:
01
Your kindness is proof of that
"Good words are warm in winter, and evil words hurt people in June cold." A word of compassion and understanding can give great courage and comfort.
It's hard for us to help our troubled friend turn things around, and we can't change the facts that have happened, but for our friends who are sad, we express our kindness to them, even if it's a simple "How are you feeling now?" "There is also support.
In fact, the last thing a person in a difficult situation needs is for others to talk around and propose a seemingly perfect solution, but hope that someone can understand Ta's current mood and accept Ta's emotions.
Like a girlfriend who always complains about work in front of her boyfriend, does she want her boyfriend to help her settle the boss? Maybe she just wants to hear her boyfriend say "Although I can't help you solve your work problems, but whatever you need, I'm always there", understand her hard work at work, and give her support, which is far better than her boyfriend's "quit if you are unhappy".
So, even if we can't say the "best words," it doesn't matter, as long as we take the first step bravely, even if it's just a "Are you okay?" "It is enough to also express our concern and use our kindness to make frustrated people feel supported."
"Anyone who has the courage to find people who are in a difficult situation and talk to them will make them feel better." ——(Spoilers for life)
02
Listening is significant
"The best way to talk to someone in a difficult situation is not to speak, but to listen."
When our friends are in pain, we always think "How can I make him feel better?" This is a natural reaction.
But before we can play the role of a "savior" - to make various suggestions, analyze problems, and give perfect solutions, we must try to achieve the so-called "emotional resonance" state, that is, adjust to the state of how the person feels their situation through listening.
Talking back to the movie mentioned at the beginning, what Mr. Xiao said is an established fact, indeed, the past has passed, don't think about it, it seems to be a good way, so why didn't it cheer up Sister-in-law Wen, but in the conversation behind Chinese Sister-in-law also showed the intention of suicide?
Because when a person is experiencing significant loss, their whole life is actually changed. "Sad, people will never go back to 'normal'."
Even if she doesn't think about it, Sister-in-law's life has been changed. In this high-impact and unresolved situation, many of the instinctive reactions that we thought would help were not appropriate.
At this time, quietly listening to the pain in the other person's heart may be the best way.
Listening is not what he says about him, we think of us.
Although we are silent for most of the time during listening, our attention is completely on the other person and we are not simultaneously thinking about how to respond.
It's also the best listening we can give.
If Teacher Xiao can sit down and quietly listen to Sister-in-law Wen's desperate cry, even if she can't say anything, she will be silent all the time, and she is accompanying Sister-in-law Wen to feel the pain of loss.
It is also a sincere communication and an emotional connection with the other party.
When we listen, we need to give each other some feedback to let the other person know that we see each other's feelings, we pay attention to each other's emotions, and give each other empathy, that is, just the right comfort.
In supportive communication, don't worry that what you say won't help the other person solve the problem, because that's not what we're doing, what we're doing is paying attention to how the other person feels at the time and affirming what they feel, rather than focusing on the facts.
03
Small actions, big differences
"You don't necessarily have to be good at everything, but you must be good at something, and you can use that little bit to provide support." You'll find the bit you like to give, know you can do well, and then give that to others. ”
What we can do in these scenarios:
1) A friend calls you and says, "Hey, it's really annoying, the interview is hanging up again",
You can respond like this: "Ah, then you feel bad now, right? Is there something I need to do? Do you need me to help you with a mock interview next time? ”
2) A friend sent a WeChat, "It's so uncomfortable to get sick and have a high fever"
You can respond like this: "I used to take this medicine with a fever and it was quite effective, I don't know if it is suitable for you, do you need me to send some?" ”
3) When a friend falls out of love and is in grief and pain,
It's so to say that "although I'm not very good at comforting people, I can listen to you." Do you want to talk? ”
Comfort is not only words, but also actions. Do what we can, try to be specific, we take the initiative to participate in it, not general, need the other party to take the initiative to do.
Although we can't solve the difficulties for the other person, we can make the other person feel supported.
Just the right amount of comfort, supporting another person with sincerity and vulnerability, and staying together in life's difficult moments is the bond that binds one another together most deeply.
The sadness and fear we experience together can be the greatest nourishing moment of our lives.
END
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