01
In the psychological counseling of children and adolescents, we often receive some children who come to adjust due to behavioral problems, such as procrastination, grinding, passive resistance and other behaviors.
In the face of such behaviors of their children, many parents have tried various educational methods - bitter mouth, Duntun teaching, ear to ear, blame, reprimand, and scolding.
However, all efforts were thwarted by the child, and the parents fell into helplessness, anxiety, and helplessness for the child.
▓ Interpretation of teacher Xu Wenjiao, child and adolescent counselor of Guangzhou Psychological Counseling Center:
Xiaoyu, first grade of junior high school.
Parents feel that their son is smarter, has middle and upper grades, but his personality is not good enough, he is more introverted in front of outsiders, he is not good at expressing himself, he does things hard, he is relaxed about himself, he is strict with others (classmates, teachers, parents, etc.), and he loses his temper and makes trouble with his parents at home.
Parents hope that through psychological counseling, their sons can grow up, improve their personality, and behave more self-discipline and self-control, afraid that their sons will become rebellious or worse in adolescence, and it is difficult to obey discipline.
For Xiaoyu's situation, her mother is more anxious and worried, because her mother is responsible for taking care of Xiaoyu's daily life and study, and her relationship with Xiaoyu is relatively close; Dad is responsible for earning money to support the family, taking charge of major family matters, not managing small things, and less time for father-son communication.
For parents to bring themselves over for psychological counseling, Xiaoyu was more defensive at first, resisted the form of interviews, and wanted to try a sandbox consultation, but kept saying that he didn't know how to do a sandbox game, didn't know what he was going to pose, was very hesitant, repeatedly changed multiple themes, and felt that after the passage of time, he became more and more anxious.
The counselor gave feedback on his behavior, encouraged him to present the current idea in his mind, and if he encountered difficulties in the process, he could raise it in time to see if there was a way to solve it. Xiaoyu said that he could try it.
02
In the process, Xiaoyu slowly plunged in, the sand painting gradually plumped up, and the story slowly became clear.
However, because the time came, he could only stop here today, Xiaoyu felt very frustrated and regretful, constantly blamed himself, and felt that he should have done better and faster.
In the next sand table consultation, Xiao Yu entered the consultation room and began to hesitate repeatedly in choosing sand equipment, this also wants, that also wants, this is not good enough, that one also has flaws, it is difficult to satisfy him. According to the observed phenomena, the counselor interacted with Xiaoyu in time and guided Xiaoyu to express his inner feelings and thoughts in words.
In the first ten consultations, Xiaoyu expressed more dissatisfaction with the outside world, such as sand equipment, sand games, school teachers, classmates, etc.
But he is very conflicted in his heart, after realizing his excessive negative expression, he will fall into self-blame and "self-reflection", feel that he should not say and think so, feel that he also has many shortcomings, is not qualified to talk about others, and feels that he should be better and better.
He is very confused, obviously he wants to be excellent and want to be better, but he always can't do it, he always doesn't do enough, and even sometimes he wants to work hard and can't lift up, he feels very tired and tired, and he has done his best. The parents felt that Xiaoyu couldn't suffer at all, and cried tired without doing anything, and the two sides often argued about it.
For example, when he came back from school, his mother asked Xiaoyu to review his homework, he reviewed for 10 minutes and played for 30 minutes, his mother thought that Xiaoyu should hurry up and review more, Xiaoyu felt that he had worked hard to review, it was already very hard and tired.
Mom was confused and angry:
"You didn't do anything, tired of anything. I take care of you all day long, eat and drink well to serve you, and have to be in a good mood to coax you to study, I didn't say tired, what are you tired of! ”
For her mother, Xiaoyu feels guilty and angry, the guilty thing is that her mother is telling the truth, she is indeed harder, in contrast, she is not hard; Angry is that he really feels that he is very hard, that is, very tired, and his mother not only does not understand, but always nags.
After losing his temper with his mother, the guilt made him want to apologize to his mother very much, hoping to get his mother's forgiveness; But after apologizing, I was angry with myself, I felt that I was just very tired, my mother said this about me, I was very aggrieved, she should apologize to me instead of me apologizing to her.
This made him very conflicted, feeling that it was his mother's fault for a while, and feeling that he was wrong the next. This feeling is very uncomfortable, over and over again, and keeps popping up. In order to make himself feel better, he will play mobile phones, play games, brush TikTok, so that he does not think about this matter and calms his mood.
But this behavior is incomprehensible to parents, they feel that the final exam will be taken soon, and you are not only not good at reviewing, but also playing with your mobile phone! Xiaoyu felt very angry in his heart, and knew that he shouldn't play with his mobile phone, but recently he couldn't help but play, and he felt very annoying, stuffy, and uncomfortable if he didn't play.
03
During the consultation, Xiaoyu realized that he had recently played with his mobile phone, originally wanted to separate himself from the emotional entanglement with his mother in his heart, did not experience and bear the guilt and anger of his mother, and did not want to let this emotional fermentation lead to him being unable to help but hate his mother and lose his temper with his mother.
Two weeks later, parents reported that Xiaoyu played with his mobile phone less often, but would read some extracurricular books instead of reviewing them seriously, and he was disappointed and anxious.
During the consultation, Xiaoyu felt that he had improved, felt that he did not have to be obsessed with playing with his mobile phone to adjust his emotions, and would read some meaningful books, which not only eased his heart, but also increased his knowledge; I feel that the emotions that were unbearable before seem to be not so strong and unbearable.
Xiaoyu feels that his parents have not changed, but he is indeed changing, he is doing things positively, he has his own motivation and ideas, and he has lost his temper with his parents less, and he is quite satisfied with his changes, and he feels that he will get better and better.
For the sand table he created, Xiaoyu also appreciated it more and more. In the process of placing the sand table, from time to time self-affirmation, learn to appreciate themselves, "Well, I think this position is great to put this", "Look, put them up like this, isn't it particularly XX feeling".
The counselor feels that Xiaoyu's self is constantly strongening, and at the beginning of counseling, he often has a lot of dissatisfaction with himself, others, and the outside world, and does not know how to present himself to make others (including parents, counselors, classmates, etc.) satisfied, afraid that others will pick on him and derive his behavior of constantly picking on others.
Now he can naturally show himself, he likes himself, and feels that others will like him; Be satisfied with your own efforts and abilities, and feel that others may also be satisfied and comfortable; You can create a sandbox at your own pace, self-control becomes stronger, feel that you want to be faster and slower, no longer as out of control and anxious as before... These inner experiences also made him more motivated to achieve himself.
04
With the progress of counseling, Xiaoyu's mother realized that she had too much anxiety and anxiety about the development of her child in her heart, and always felt "not enough":
You are not good enough
You don't try hard enough
You are not likable enough
You are not good enough
You could have been better
You should be better (i.e. "you're not good enough now, you should be better")
I have accepted that you are inadequate in this regard, why can't you be better in that regard
……
These "not enough" in the mother's heart also make the child feel damaged and stressed,
"I don't know what I really satisfies you"
"I seem to try hard, you can't see it, you don't feel enough"
The inner cry kept shouting: "Haven't I worked hard enough, I have done a lot of ABCDEF, you see." ”
When the mother still can't see the child's emotions and needs, or feels that it is not enough and constantly urges the child, the child has nothing to do, so she uses behavior to express rejection: "I'll do it slowly, anyway, you either stare at what I have done, or put forward more tasks".....
The mother reflected that she not only had such a psychology for her son, but also in other aspects, she would feel that her husband did not pay enough to the family, her husband did not participate enough in her son's education, and she would often complain about her husband; feel that her mother's role is not good enough, worry that she has not given enough to her son, and often give a lot for her son; Sometimes I feel that my wife's role is not enough, and I feel that I am not tolerant and supportive of my husband....
The mother has made some self-adjustment in this regard, when she has a similar psychology, she is aware of herself in time, and the satisfaction with her son and husband increases, and she also begins to learn to affirm herself, and her complaints and anxiety are reduced.
Conclusion of Guangzhou Psychological Counseling
Xiaoyu is still growing, and the current psychological counseling is only part of him. I believe that in a trusting and safe consulting environment, in a stable consulting relationship, Xiaoyu will touch himself more deeply and better handle his relationship with himself, with others, and with the world.
In the process of counseling, parents are also gradually changing their expectations of Xiaoyu, learning how to love their children better, and also cultivating and changing their hearts that they are not aware of. I believe that these efforts will eventually pay off!
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation