For children in adolescence, often the most troublesome thing is that the child is suddenly tired of school and unwilling to go to school.
Ms. A:
"In the second year of junior high school, the learning tasks are very heavy, often not enough sleep, sleep poorly, homework can not be completed, she is often named, she is not attentive and unable to listen carefully in class, it is simply a vicious circle.
She used to say that she didn't want to study, yesterday she said that she wanted to work when she was 18 years old, and she felt that her whole person couldn't take this matter of studying, she was too tired, she didn't have time to play, and we didn't dare to disturb her, came home and urged her to write homework quickly so that she could go to bed early, really exhausted, seeing the state of the child, and worried that her body could not eat, study could not progress, tired of study, depressed, did not know what to do.
Since childhood, we have paid great attention to the teaching of children, afraid that we will become a controlling parent, but also afraid that we will become a doting parent, spending so much energy on the upbringing of our children, but the child still has problems, and really feels very tired.
Dad bought her a mobile phone, and she spent the rest of her time playing games, drawing, submitting articles, reading comics, and how much she felt that she was too cruel to deprive her children of her only entertainment, no matter what she sometimes felt like she dragged her feet, what should she do? ”
Guangzhou heard about the interpretation of psychological counseling:
In the face of adolescent children, many parents feel that they are facing a "fragile handicraft" and must be careful not to make mistakes; But often many times, the more careful you are, the more problems your child will have.
At this time, the contradictions and conflicts in the hearts of parents have intensified, and if the child has a problem, do they want to manage it or not? Guan feels as if he is wrong, regardless of whether he feels that he can't get by.
01
The child's performance is related to the stage of psychological development that the child is in
In psychology, individuals of different ages are at different stages of psychological development, and at each stage individuals have conflicts to resolve and tasks to complete.
Become an independent person - responsible for yourself, have a stable self, have your own emotions, emotions, needs and desires, know who you are, what you want to be, and what you can become.
These tasks are required to be completed during the stage of self-identity development in adolescence.
In adolescence, self-awareness and individuality are slowly increasing, children themselves have a very contradictory problem exists, ta to find the meaning of what they do, explore their own life narrative. This is a problem that they have never dealt with before.
In the past, what they came into contact with was listening to their parents and elders, following the rules of the teacher's school, and doing a good job in society's expectations of the role of students.
Among these things, there are very few things that are spontaneous and self-determined to be meaningful, so he will feel meaningless about the things in the moment.
"Everyone says you want to study and read, but is there any use in reading so many books? Will I use it in the future? Isn't it a waste of time if you don't need it? What's the point of reading? "Many teenagers who are tired of school have a lot of questions about learning to read.
At the same time, exploring his life narrative is not an easy and quick thing to get feedback, but more full of unpredictable decisions, so he will feel lost and afraid of the future.
They will ask in their hearts, "Who am I?" What kind of person am I going to be? What is my place in society? Where will I be? ”。
The answers to all kinds of questions need them to explore and find their own answers. In this process, you will repeatedly experience a sense of meaninglessness, hesitation, and anxiety; And these are necessary for life and for individual growth.
Therefore, most adolescent children will actually have this experience to a greater or lesser extent in their hearts.
02
The "amplification" effect of the growth environment
In addition to the influence of children's own psychological development stage, their growth environment will also have an impact.
Hope for the son into a dragon, hope for the daughter into a phoenix. Every pair of parents nurtures and takes care of their children's growth with good expectations for their children.
And children who are looking forward to growing up can experience their own importance, which tells them that "I am needed and valued", which brings them a sense of pleasure.
However, if it is excessive attention and excessive expectations, it will bring them stress. Expectations beyond their ability can make them doubt their ability to meet; whether excessive expectations will lead to more disappointment and attack when they are disappointed; Especially when parents expect their children to take a path that is not consistent with what they want in their hearts, they will also bear more psychological burdens and guilt in their hearts, and parents will also produce more loss and anger.
Therefore, children are easy to lose confidence in their abilities and academics, and behind the boredom of school are more fear, anxiety, fear that they will fail, and do not want to see the disappointed eyes of their parents, feel that they are not good enough, and feel inferiority and anxiety.
At the same time, looking deeper, parents who have excessive expectations for their children are themselves under certain pressure, and there is anxiety, dissatisfaction, disappointment, and uneasiness in their hearts. Behind many vulnerable children is a parent who is anxious, restless, and powerless.
In this parent-child relationship, parents will overprotect their children due to their own insecurity and have more restrictions on their children.
In the process of children's growth, parents project that part of their fragile self onto their children, and behind the fear of children's problems is more afraid that they can't cope.
In addition, the role of students in the social environment also bears a lot of expectations and pressures. Intensive courses and examinations, a brutal college promotion system, and competition between peers are all huge stones that weigh on them, and they need a certain amount of strength and perseverance to support.
At this time, they were like being in a deep bridge, unable to resist the sense of hopelessness generated by their environment, so they had to flee.
03
How to deal with it?
Perhaps this is the part where parents and children have to face growth together.
Parents feel powerless, angry, disappointed, struggling and struggling; The child feels meaningless, angry, self-blame, doubtful ... These are the real experiences and feelings of each other in the relationship, and they are also the problems they face with each other.
During this period, children need to confirm their "willingness", willing to forget about food and sleep now, and get good grades, not because of parents' expectations, social regulations, or abandon the voice of the outside world in their heads: you have to do this, do that, and try to explore your own path.
When he exercises his personal freedom to fulfill his will, the happiness and creativity he experiences will be completely different, and the courage and confidence in his heart in the face of difficulties will be completely different.
To face and spend such a period, children need not only mature guidance, but also someone who can listen and understand their anxiety, help them stabilize their emotions, know themselves, understand the world, and fill in their own answers to the gaps in their lives.
Many times, due to some limitations, children's questions cannot be answered from family members and teachers in time, and often because of some improper communication methods of parents, the opposite effect is produced. At this time, you may also choose to have psychological counseling to help children better through adolescence.
▎This article is the original article of the center, please indicate the source when reprinting, and the company reserves the right to pursue users without permission.