In many families, the responsibility for raising children often falls on the mother, and the father puts more energy and time on his own pleasure or his own career, resulting in the phenomenon of "dad absence" in many families.
Therefore, in the family, the child is dissatisfied and does not receive the company and love of the father; Mothers also complain that their husbands do not care about the growth of their children and lack a sense of family responsibility. And what about men? Also a stomach of grievances.
Do fathers also have bitterness in their hearts?
When we delve into the details of "Daddy's Absence", we find one thing that is surprising - men also desire to have a connection with their children, but they do not know how to love their children and how to get their children's love. What is even more amazing is that many children are not close to their fathers, which comes from the subconscious "exclusion" of mothers.
This may come as a shock to many mothers who complain that their husbands are cold and selfish and do not care about their children. So, let's take a look at how moms make dads gradually become a "missing person" in parenting?
Doubt the ability of men to bring up children, do not encourage and do not let go
After the birth of a child, mothers have a lot to deal with and worry about, and they especially want someone to help them share it. And the "child father" who loves with himself and has a blood relationship with his child naturally bears the expectations of his mothers.
However, in our traditional culture, men are not good at taking care of children. This view is not only absorbed by men in their upbringing, but also inadvertently internalized by women. As a result, the man became a father, still deeply worried that he would not be able to bring up children; While women want men to help with children, they are worried that men will not be able to bring children.
Indeed, for every man, becoming a father is an adventure, a journey, an enlightenment. When they first bring children, men will be a little "clumsy", often "helping", but "practice makes perfect", after women's bold letting go, positive encouragement and appropriate assistance, men after some learning and practice, bring up children more endurance than mothers, more able to make children laugh, more emotionally stable.
Overly anxious mom
Many mothers, especially new mothers, are too anxious, have all kinds of worries and worries, panic, take their children as if they were fighting, they are tired half to death, and their children are not taken care of. A mother who is upset in her heart, and when she sees a father who does nothing or "helps", it is inevitable that he will constantly complain and preach.
In fact, sometimes Dad sees Mom working so hard and tired, and he sincerely hopes to help. But the father was slightly wrong, and the mother immediately counted down and took over the child.
Over time, the father felt that "taking children is really troublesome, women can't handle it, how can I do it with this old man!", so, simply be a handshaker, play their own way, the child crying or making trouble, really can't stand the mother's nagging and blame, so hide out and go home less.
In fact, if the mother can control her emotions, do things in an orderly manner, and be good at comforting the baby.
Such interaction can not only help the baby establish a secure attachment relationship, with a sufficient sense of inner security and trust, but also make the father realize that although the baby will cry, it is still easier to bring, and the interaction with the baby is very happy, and the father is more willing to try.
If the mother can calmly guide the father to master some skills with the child, occasionally help the father solve the emergency in time, and tacitly cooperate with the father to comfort the baby, the father will not feel flustered and helpless, and is willing to practice more and get closer to the baby.
The connection between mother and child is too tight
In healthy family relationships, the relationship between husband and wife comes first, followed by parent-child relationships (with children and parents).
However, in some families, the mother is too closely connected to the child, and the relationship with the child is ranked above the conjugal relationship. Mom puts everything on the child, ignores the emotional and physical needs of dad, and even sleeps in a separate room with dad. In some families, the child is 3 years old, or even older, and still sleeps with his mother.
This is not normal.
We generally recommend a separate bed at three years old and a room at five years old, mainly because:
First, separating at the right time can help children and mothers smoothly overcome "separation anxiety", which plays an important role in the long-term development of children;
Second, the mother and the child are too close, which will lead to the child being in the "two-person relationship" with the mother for a long time, which is difficult to differentiate, and is more prone to problems in emotions and behaviors;
Third, the delay in separating from children often conceals the signal of disordered family relationships. After a long time, there will be problems in the relationship between husband and wife;
Fourth, the connection between the mother and the child is too tight, which will lead to the father's lack of due status and power at home, so it is naturally difficult for him to show the strength and function of the father.
In this way, mothers in the family urgently need to find other roles other than the "mother role", consciously distance themselves from their children, and try to love themselves and do their other roles well, such as: being a woman and a wife.
I heard about child counseling reminders
For children aged 0-2, the importance of the mother is higher than that of the father, because the child does not have the ability to be independent in the first two years of birth and needs the careful care of the mother. These two years are also a time for children to develop a secure attachment relationship with their mother.
But at the age of 2~3, children begin to be able to walk on their own, self-awareness begins to form, and they begin to explore the world, and then the relationship between father and child becomes important.
First, the role of "intermediate continuation station"
In the process of socialization of children, dads play the role of "relay station". Because the father can expand the child's cognition, so that the baby can discover that there is another person besides the mother, that person is called "Dad", which promotes the child to explore the wider external space outside the mother. If in the process of the child's growth, the child lacks the "relay role" of the father, when the child leaves the mother and directly deals with others in society, the child will feel insecure and the difficulty is higher.
Second, teach social laws
No matter how the child cries, the mother always "empathizes", "accepts", "pays unconditional positive attention", and "responds" to the child in time.
Mothers are always "baby-centered", which is conducive to the formation of psychological qualities such as "omnipotence", "happiness", "basic trust in others", "self-confidence", "self-esteem" and so on. And the father's love for the child is often "conditional", representing the rest of society, and when the child's behavior meets the requirements of others in society, the father gives encouragement and rewards.
Therefore, the father represents the social rules that allow the baby to learn and adapt to "social other-centeredness". This will promote children to learn to empathize with others, learn to respect others, adapt to society, "respect others while respecting themselves", and finally form "everyone is equal" behavior values on the basis of maternal love, while self-centered.
3. Gender awareness
The existence of the father is conducive to cutting the "closed two-person relationship" formed between the mother and the child, making it move towards an "open three-person relationship", promoting the development of "separation-individualization", and promoting the baby to enter the Oedipal stage of development.
To promote the self-identification of the baby's sexual identity and the identification of sexual roles, the boy identifies with the father and can look at the mother from the father's "man's perspective", at which time, the mother is no longer a young mother, but becomes a "woman". The interaction between the girl and the father forms and develops the "attraction of the opposite sex", begins to have initial contact with the opposite sex, and forms the first impression of the opposite sex.
Fourth, show differences
When children see that there are differences between father and mother, and can complement each other, cooperate, negotiate, and coexist peacefully, children gradually understand that there can be differences between people, and this difference between people can be respected and appreciated. This will motivate the child to reach the state of mind of "gentleman and difference".
Moreover, the difference between father and mother can provide more space for the baby's individual development, so that the baby has the courage to express his own third voice that is different from his father and mother, and promote the baby's development and self-identity.
Therefore, for the healthy growth of children and the happiness of marriage, please give a man a place in the family so that he can show the strength and function of fatherhood.